


Almost Doesn't Count

by 11_Gadget_27



Series: Confessions [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Actual plot, Canon-Typical Violence, Crime mystery, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Murder, Near Death Experiences, Non-Reaper AU, Romance, Slash, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-10
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:48:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 46,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1293601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/11_Gadget_27/pseuds/11_Gadget_27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The issue isn't that he loves Nihlus. The issue is that Saren doesn't know how to tell him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Doesn't Count

**Author's Note:**

> Oooops, seems I messed up the posting in someway I'm not sure of, but it's fixed now, sorry for any confusion. And please, don't be shy about making me aware of mistakes like that.

Compared to most apartments on Omega, the one he was currently attempting to leave was fairly nice and spacious. Say what you will about Aria, but the Queen took care of her own. She was also one of the very few people Saren Arterius didn't care to cross. The matriarch was a formidable enemy to have and even more dangerous to lose: take down Aria and the power vacuum would swallow the whole station as endless criminals tried to fill her shoes. The Terminus may have been outside the Citadel's jurisdiction but all the same, a void like that was the last thing the Council wanted. Sometimes Saren wanted to say _fuck the consequences_ and be done with it. But Council Spectres couldn’t behave like that.  
  
“Leaving already?” Gavorn asked breathlessly from the bed as he rolled onto his back and stretched. “You don’t want to go another round?”  
  
“I have somewhere to be.” Saren muttered and jerked his belt closed. He turned back to the bed and leaned down, holding himself up on a palm planted next to Gavorn’s head and pushed their mouths together. The other man returned the kiss hesitantly and Saren had to coax his mouth open in order to slip his tongue in. A moment later, Gavorn pushed him away, staring at him strangely.  
  
“What?” Saren asked.  
  
“You’ve never kissed me before.” Was it his imagination, or did Gavorn sound embarrassed?  
  
“I haven’t?”  
  
“No, never.”  
  
Saren straightened.  
  
“It’s not that I mind it,” Gavorn told him quickly, wary of a dangerous change in mood. “It’s just that you’ve never done that and I only ever kiss the men I’m _dating_ and not the ones I let fuck me. If you wanted to date me then yeah, I’d kiss you, but I’m sort of seeing someone so-“  
  
“I don’t date.” Saren said absently, his mind whirring on implications. “We’ll talk some other time Gavorn, I need to go.”  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
It wasn’t the first time something like what had occurred with Gavorn had happened. Ever since he’d started sleeping with Nihlus months ago, Saren had begun to slip up in his other affairs. He’d taken Cicero gently in a bed rather than roughly on the floor or against a wall like was their usual. Then, a week later he’d allowed Kuril to shove him onto his knees before… Kissing Gavorn was just his latest slip up. Ever since Nihlus he’d begun to lose track of the differences between his lovers. Saren couldn’t keep straight who liked what, who wanted him gentle and who wanted to be dominated by him. All he could think about when he was with one of his lovers was what _Nihlus_ liked and wanted from him. And what he wanted in return. All the things Nihlus gave him without asking for anything.  
  
Saren couldn’t care less about material items, those things meant so little when compared to what Nihlus gave him every day. He had the younger man’s admiration, his loyalty, his body, but most importantly, Saren had his trust. Spirits his _trust_ , the only thing that made him harder was the feeling of Nihlus’ body pressed along his own. Or having his head between his legs, but that usually happened once Saren was already hard.  
  
He’d stopped meeting his other lovers at his ship too. Instead, when Saren felt the urge to fuck someone else (and that urge had diminished) he would rendezvous with them at their apartment, a cheap hotel or in a back room of a club designed for that exact purpose. He wasn’t trying to hide the others from Nihlus, there was no point in that when Saren had been clear about his appetites from the beginning.  
  
 _“Sooner or later, you’ll get jealous.”_ He’d warned the younger man.  
  
 _“I haven’t yet. I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend and I don’t care who else you fuck or how many there are, I just want to be one of them.”_

It had been an unexpected reply.

Ieryan, who had loved him years ago and perhaps still did, had expected exclusivity; a thing Saren had no concept of at the time or now. His... infidelity was one of the factors that had ended their relationship. But Nihlus understood. Saren certainly didn’t care that the younger man had a taste for asari. They'd had a conversation recently while they’d basked in the afterglow where he had informed Saren that he was the only male lover Nihlus ever wanted. Saren took just as much pleasure in that as he did the sex itself.

Although he’d just finished putting Gavorn through his paces, all he could think about was getting Nihlus naked and under him. Saren had always had a demanding sex drive but being with Nihlus often made him ravenous, like he could never get enough. And lately it was only his fellow Spectre who left him feeling fulfilled. Just thinking about him had Saren’s groin plates widening and pure need spreading over his plates and seeping under his skin.

Sex had always just been a means to an end, a way to get the tension out of his spine and flood his brain with feel-good chemicals that got him through another day. The need was a biological one understood throughout his species. Most turians had numerous partners before settling down with a spouse. He hadn't realized Ieryan had considered them mates until the man had confronted him about it. Ieryan had given him a dual ultimatum to stop sleeping around and to take the markings he would have worn were he not a biotic. The Councilor’s requests, both unreasonable and impossible, were only the front to his real reason. Saren wasn’t good enough to be his mate, not as a barefaced biotic and not as the Spectre he became later. And while he’d loved Ieryan, there were just some things he wasn’t willing to do.

After he’d walked away from the first real relationship of his life, sex still remained a means to an end like any other biological act that had to be completed. But just because it had to be done didn’t mean it wasn’t _fun._ Saren had had many exciting lovers, skilled in any number of pleasures but he’d never cared for anyone like he had Ieryan.

And then, Saren had recruited Nihlus for training, had watched him grow from an intelligent but awkward young man into a confident and dangerous Spectre. Then he’d slept with him and only a couple of times later Saren began feeling the things he hadn’t felt since Ieryan. He had always been fond of the younger man but this was different. A salarian could have looked at him for a split second and known he loved his protégé, and was probably _in_ love with him too.

Nihlus however…he hadn’t seemed to notice.

Granted, Saren had no idea how to show him. If Nihlus were a female he intended to truly court to be his mate, he’d find reflective stones or a sweet smelling plate balm or something decorative for her crest to give as gifts. But the other Spectre wasn’t and Saren honestly couldn’t see him accepting a traditional mating present. Maybe…maybe he could buy Nihlus a better gun or polish his armor the next time he did his own. It would have to be enough, at least until he came up with something more appropriate.

It would just be easier to tell him and Saren had even tried a few times. Once while staring into those verdant eyes as they’d had sex and once he’d tried to slip the confession into a casual conversation. His tongue got stuck to the roof of his mouth every time and he’d been unable to speak. Nihlus never noticed, not once, and it just made it harder to get the words out the following times he’d tried.

Saren _had_ managed to express his feelings in one way though, when that first night together he’d addressed Nihlus by one of the few pet-names he knew. Calling him Castanea had been an offhand choice; he’d never been one for terms of endearment, that had always been Ieryan’s thing. Of course, now Saren knew that he’d been subconsciously trying to tell Nihlus that he did actually care for him as more than just another one of his lovers from the very beginning. It was something he strived to prove every time he pushed Nihlus down or pinned him to the wall. Saren might never find a way to express just how special the younger man was to him but he’d certainly keep trying in the ways he knew how.

Finally out of the stinking cesspool that was Omega proper, Saren headed down the docking corridor to his ship, knowing that this late in the night-cycle Nihlus would be sleeping. The other man was still under the influence of Citadel Standard Time and as such kept regular hours, something Saren had never done. He slept when he was tired or after he’d had a good fuck, either worked for him.

Stepping through the airlock though, Saren knew what he preferred. He had recently convinced Nihlus to sleep nude to save him the time of removing his clothes whenever he felt like sharing the other man’s bed. Being with Gavorn had left him mostly unsatisfied and currently climbing into Nihlus’ bed, an event that was happening more and more frequently, was exactly what he wanted.  
  
The younger turian was a heavy sleeper, a trait military life had never managed to divest him of. Saren didn’t even have to sneak into his room. The sound of the door sliding open (the holo-lock was always green now) went unheard by Nihlus who was stretched out on his stomach with his arms wrapped around the pillow that supported his head. Saren would only need to pull away the blanket to get at the russet skin and plates he loved so much. It was so different from his own. He had never met another pale turian besides his brother, and while Saren sometimes longed to be pressed against a body where he was unsure where his ended and his lover’s began because they were the same shade of bone-white, he’d never trade the excitement that came with watching his lighter form blend with and cover Nihlus’ much darker flesh.  
  
Standing at the foot of the bed, halfway out of his shirt and with one hand tugging at his belt, Saren stopped as something dawned on him. _I still smell like Gavorn._ He realized and let his shirt fall off his shoulders to dangle from his elbows. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d crawled into a man’s bed while stinking of another. He’d never cared about it, before anyway, but the thought of doing that to Nihlus bothered him and made his stomach feel weird. He knew why and he knew what that weirdness was too, it was the same compulsion that had made him hide his affairs from Ieryan. Although he wasn’t hiding that aspect of his life from Nihlus, it didn’t mean he would rub the other man’s face in that fact, it was disrespectful considering all that he’d been trying to tell Nihlus. _I need to shower before I touch him._

Saren bathed quickly, using an excess amount of soap to dispel Gavorn’s scent from his skin. He barely took the time to dry off before returning to Nihlus’ room to find that the younger man hadn’t stirred in the slightest. Saren made a low sound of satisfaction and knelt on the bed by his feet. Supporting his weight on his hands, he leaned forward until he could touch his mouth to the back of Nihlus’ neck and the thinner plates that descended from underneath his fringe. Still the younger man gave no reaction.

The lack of reaction was thrilling but Saren much preferred participation. He scraped his teeth along those thin plates, steadily adding pressure as he got closer to the skin. Beneath him, Nihlus started to wake up, his back arching as he stretched and his arms unwinding from the pillow. Saren slowly lowered the rest of his body until he had effectively immobilized his lover to the mattress and slid his hands under the sheet, eagerly searching for the warmth of Nihlus’ smooth and youthful plating.

“Mmm,” Nihlus hummed and lifted his hips until Saren could rub against him through the sheet, an opportunity he didn’t waste. He’d been hard since the moment he’d stepped into the room that first time.

The younger man squirmed for a moment, making haphazard movements until Saren finally realized he was trying to wiggle out from under the sheet and helped him. He lifted up just enough to grab the offending fabric with one hand and jerk it off his former student, at last revealing the wonderfully naked body underneath. Saren felt his cock harden even further and he couldn’t wait to get inside the younger man.

“I don’t have it in me to be gentle tonight _Castanea_ ,” He warned in-between nips to that dark throat. “I want you too much.”

Nihlus moaned his name, tones clouded with both sleep and a slight bit of unease. He didn’t want to be hurt even though the following pleasure was always mind-blowing.

He gave in without being asked. _Only because I love him._ They hadn’t been together long enough and Nihlus still had so little experience when it came to the type of sex that Saren liked for him to carelessly fuck him without preparing his body first.

“What do you want me to do?”

Nihlus twisted his torso around, the show of flexibility sped up Saren’s heart and made his mouth salivate with the sudden urge to kiss him. He’d forgotten just how much he enjoyed the taste of another’s tongue, kissing his lovers wasn’t something he did a lot of, not since Ieryan and his talent for it had waned over the years. But with Nihlus, it was just another thing he couldn’t get enough of, another thing he enjoyed as much as the sex.

“I want…” The younger man trailed off, for some reason Saren didn’t understand, he was still reluctant about asking him directly for what he wanted. It contradicted with the man he’d watched easily seduce women with a smile and a few words.

“Tell me _Castanea_ ,” He said, able to hear his own need in the subtones of his voice. “You can ask anything of me.”

Nihlus shifted under him, arching his back in such a way as to cause Saren’s dick to settle in the divide of his ass. He hissed at the heat of his lover’s flesh and the pressure of the younger man pushing back into his hips.

“I want you to take me,” The other Spectre told him, pushing back hard and rolling his hips so that Saren slid in the slickness of his arousal. “I want you to cum in me and then I want to put you on your back and _touch_ you.”

His pulse had increased as Nihlus talked, blood racing through his veins to fill his cock and make him impossibly hard. The emphasis on that one word filled his mind with images of the times he had been on his back with the younger man stretched out between his legs, one hand on his thigh and the other….

Saren swallowed hard through a throat that was constricted and hot with lust. “Yes.” He said simply and ground himself against Nihlus. _Thank the spirits for self-lubrication, I won’t hurt him as long as I start slowly._

“Then don’t make me wait Saren.” The younger man’s voice was muffled as he laid his head back on the pillow, one mandible tight to his jaw and the other, the one closest to Saren, opened in a challenging smirk.

He ground his cock against Nihlus’ ass again and rocked his hips forward then back, slipping a little in his own fluid. The younger man rose to meet him, his breath coming a little faster the harder that Saren rubbed between the divot of his rear. He maneuvered a hand under Nihlus’ middle and just lightly skimmed his talons down his side to the hard flare of his hipbone. Saren still needed his other hand to support himself so his ability to caress was limited but he kept up the slow rotations of his hips, thrusting along the divide of warm and supple flesh.

“Saren, please,” He moaned, pushing back to meet him while at the same time trying to stay in contact with the hand that was moving downward.

Saren could already feel the heat coming off Nihlus’ rapidly spreading groin plates. He trailed his fingers lower over that opening and then down under where the youth’s cock would emerge once he was hard. Cautiously, he slid a fingertip into Nihlus’ sheath, just enough to coat his finger with the slippery oils of his sex. The younger man moaned again, louder, because he knew Saren wanted a taste of him but didn’t want to stop what they were already doing.

He pulled back as he felt the shifting of muscles that heralded Nihlus’ beginning erection and stuck that finger in his mouth to lick clean. Saren nearly told the youth that he loved his flavor but his mouth snapped closed at the last moment. It was too close to the confession he still hadn’t managed to talk himself into making. He settled for lowering his head and giving the back of Nihlus’ neck a playful nip which he then soothed with the tip of his tongue. Saren held back an affectionate hum. He had tried to be more vocal for Nihlus knowing how much the younger man enjoyed that but after years of muffling the more telling harmonics he found it difficult to learn how to express himself that way again.

“I thought,” Nihlus moaned as Saren shoved against his rear a little harder. “I thought you couldn’t be gentle.”

His mandibles fluttered in excitement. “Do you _want_ me to be gentle?” He asked.

“No, no I don’t. I want you to fuck me Saren, just fuck me.”

Lust flared hot as an inferno and spread through his nerves, searing his senses. He was always so careful with Nihlus, always mindful of the other man’s pleasure and comfort rather than his own. Partly because he enjoyed it and partly because he knew Nihlus had expected to be treated as roughly as Saren treated his other lovers. He couldn’t be as brusque with him as he was with Cicero or someone else, they meant nothing to him. Nihlus meant more to Saren than anyone ever had, more than Ieryan and recently, more than Desolas had. Sometimes he was ashamed of that, his brother meant everything to him before he died but Saren understood the love he held and nurtured for Nihlus was an entirely different incarnation.

But if he wanted to know what being truly fucked felt like…

“Lift your hips for me.”

Nihlus did as he was instructed immediately, eagerly. Saren grasped the base of his shaft and positioned himself while his free hand spread the younger man open. He took his time pushing past the tight ring of muscle, savoring the way Nihlus’ body resisted at first before giving in to the intrusion. He didn’t stop the forward motion of his hips until he felt his widened plates firmly meet the other man’s ass. Then Saren stilled and took a moment to enjoy being buried in his former student as deeply as he could possibly get. This was his favorite part, when he first entered Nihlus and internal muscles instinctually tried to push him back out, squeezing and rippling around his cock from the tip to the shaft to the base. He bit his tongue out of habit on the sound of pure ecstasy that was fighting its way out of his chest.

Saren didn’t stay that way long, he couldn’t with the way Nihlus was already panting and trembling beneath him. He liked _that_ feeling too.

“Be still.” He said under his breath but still loud enough for Nihlus to hear.

He gave the younger man the barest amount of time to adjust to his size before he pulled back and slid completely out. Nihlus made a noise that sounded deceptively like a whimper and subconsciously lifted his rear in search of Saren. He put a hand in the middle of his back and pinned him to the bed then he slammed his cock home hard.

Nihlus yelped. “Fuck! A little warning next time.”

“You said-“

“I know what I said Saren.”

He took a slow, steadying breath. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Hell no. Come on _Spectre_ , fuck me.”

Spirits he loved this man, wanted to tell him as much but again the words lodged in his throat and he couldn’t. He got to his knees between Nihlus’ legs and nudged them further apart until he had them spread as widely as they could go, feet all the way to the sides of the bed. Saren latched his mouth to the back of his lover’s neck. It was reminiscent of the way he’d scruff a turian female if he were taking her from behind and was often referred to as the ‘mating bite’ because it was usually done when she was trying to conceive. Saren just liked the power it gave him over Nihlus’ movements as he held him in place and began a brutal pace. He still managed not to be too rough but his thrusts were harder and faster than he’d ever used with Nihlus.

Saren threw himself toward orgasm, forcing that pressure to build and build with every stroke. He kept the younger man pinned and immobile, kept the hold of teeth at Nihlus’ nape, careful not to pierce the skin. He didn’t intend to last long, the need to fill his lover, to leave his mark inside the younger man as deeply as he could was too strong and nearly overwhelming.

“Saren,”

“Shhh.” He soothed through the mating bite and pet the long spines of Nihlus’ fringe gently even as he slammed his dick in and jerked it back out.

“Please,” Subharmonics all over the place with pleasure, the younger man strained against him, trying to pull his neck free of teeth and attempting to roll his hips.

Saren shoved down on his back and closed his teeth a little tighter before letting go completely, pausing in his fucking. “Be _still_ Nihlus.”

He felt the other man nod and then relax into the mattress. He gave that long fringe another caress and then began to piston into Nihlus with everything he had. In minutes the hot pressure that had been building along his spine and in his groin rushed over him like a wave. Saren grasped both of Nihlus’ hips and jerked the younger man closer, sending his cock deep as he came, filling him with spurt after spurt of hot cum. By the time he was empty, the dark plated turian was shaking in his palms and making small mewling sounds of need, still unsatisfied in that key way.

Rather than collapse across his lover’s back with his dick still inside, Saren withdrew and flipped Nihlus over so they were facing each other. The pupils of his eyes had overtaken the startling green of the irises, something Saren was sure his own eyes matched. He held that stare for a handful of heartbeats before he shoved their mouths together.

Nihlus wrapped around him with a lustful groan. Pressed front to front, Saren could actually feel the blood surging to Nihlus’ thick erection now that it wasn’t trapped against the bed. He broke their kiss for just a moment.

“Was that what you wanted _Castanea_?” He asked and licked one mandible with a long swipe of his tongue.

“Part of it.” Nihlus told him breathlessly.

He’d expected it, but suddenly finding himself on his back was still a rush. Nihlus loomed over him with his shoulders hunched like he was waiting for Saren to change his mind and make him stop. When he didn’t, the younger man flashed him a playful grin before ducking his head and going straight for his throat. Saren felt his heart begin to race again and it was only partly due to the way Nihlus’ mouth mapped the contours of his throat and upper chest. The other part was a feeling he’d never been able to shake off, not even when he was with Ieryan. The nervousness he knew tied into his need for complete and utter control of all the aspects of his life, but the fear…The fear confused him. It was not that he had been abused in that manner. The only man to ever top him was the Councilor and he had willingly accepted that: a man of his position simply wasn't fucked by a low-tiered biotic more than twenty years his junior, it just wasn't done. So when Ieryan had lifted his chin to kiss him, Saren gave the unprotected line of his throat without complaint. It was only later as he rested alongside the older man that he realized he’d enjoyed giving himself to another person like that.

But Saren considered Nihlus his equal, that he loved the younger man helped too, and he knew he shouldn’t be so panicky about being underneath him with every intention of letting himself be taken. Saren had taught him how and where to touch him inside shortly after they’d begun sleeping together. Nihlus was always cautious with him and while he took advantage from time to time he never rushed Saren. In fact, Nihlus was probably one of the most patient bedmates he’d ever had. He hadn’t let the younger man take him fully yet, he wanted to, really he did, but…

They’d gotten close once. Saren had been below him with a thigh hitched over Nihlus’ hip and breathless as the younger man’s cock had started to push into him. Then he’d panicked, his heart racing and his chest unbearably tight with nervous tension. Saren had stopped his lover at the last possible moment, a hand at the base of his dark throat holding him at bay.

 _“I can’t.”_ He had whispered and known that Nihlus could hear the severe anxiety in his harmonics. _“I can’t.”_

Nihlus had been surprisingly understanding and there hadn’t been any disappointment or irritation in his voice when he’d replied. _“It’s okay. We don’t need to.”_

Saren had never been more grateful to anyone in his life and he’d flipped them over and showed the younger man just how appreciative he was. But in his head, he was greatly confused and frustrated. He’d had no problem letting Ieryan fuck him like that, he’d often delighted in it. But the moment Nihlus rose over him, Saren became anxious and undone, even apprehensive and he panicked. Nihlus didn’t push the issue with him. He stopped whenever Saren needed him to and kept going when he asked.

He’d never had a lover quite like Nihlus before.

“Saren?”

He shook his head to clear it, a little embarrassed that he’d fallen so easy into memories and mental exposition while Nihlus had been making a trail down his chest with his mouth. “Yes?”

“I feel a bit underappreciated when I’ve got my tongue less than a foot away from your dick and you’re not even paying attention to me.” Mandibles flickered outward to show that he was joking. “I guess I could go find something else to do…”

Saren wrapped his arm around Nihlus’ back and pulled him in close. “What could possibly be more fun than being here with me?”

He shrugged. “There’s gotta be something out there.”

“I sincerely doubt it.”

The younger man huffed and kissed him, sliding his hand up the back of Saren’s head while carefully avoiding the port of his bio-amp. Nihlus had learned his lesson the first time he had hastily grasped at him and hit the little metal nodule a bit too hard. It had hurt significantly and Saren hadn’t been pleased, he had put an end to their activities, leaving them both emotionally strained and horny as hell. Though, the make-up sex had been amazing.

Speaking of amazing, that _almost_ summed up Nihlus’ ability to kiss him senseless. It wasn’t something Saren typically enjoyed, kissing was something mates and companions- people in actual relationships- did and not casual lovers. There were only a few people besides Nihlus and Ieryan that he had included kissing as a part of their seduction. He was clumsy at the act as a result, never bothering to refine his skills. The Councilor hadn’t cared, likely under the impression that Saren’s lack of finesse was because he was so worked up as to lose some of his personal control. The younger Spectre though had figured it out right away, that no one had taught him how to kiss, so Nihlus had. Saren was glad for the lessons, connecting his mouth to the other man’s was exciting and it added a surprising amount of intimacy to their encounters that he didn’t have with his other lovers. It was just another reason to love him.

Saren broke the kiss to moan as he felt Nihlus’ hands moving over his sides toward his hips. Those green eyes held his as one hand slid further down and gently caressed the oversensitive flesh of his still opened plates. Saren shivered despite how warm Nihlus’ palm was, the skin of his fingers was rough and callused.

“Ok?” The younger man asked quietly.

He nodded and, trying to calm the frantic beat of his heart, spread his knees wide enough for Nihlus to move up between them. The other Spectre took the hint, leaning back down to nip and bite along the side of his neck while the hand not cupping his already half hard cock tracked over his thigh. He couldn’t keep his muscles from quivering at the touch. Nihlus noticed and kissed the spot were mandible hinged to his jaw tenderly, humming into his ear. Saren forced himself to relax. The younger man kissed him again, pushed his tongue inside and he was abruptly lost to the press of Nihlus’ body, the weight and heat of him. Saren kissed him back hard and didn’t stop the hand that slid down his back to grope his ass, he even rocked back into it. He pushed that creeping bit of nervousness away, he wanted the other Spectre badly and was willing to let go of that particular control to have him.

Nihlus kept at his mouth, slid their tongues together and let his mandibles flutter freely in obvious delight. The hand on his rear shifted just a bit and Saren felt slender fingertips nudge between the cheeks and over flesh that had only been touched by one other person. He grabbed the back of Nihlus’ head and kissed him even harder, moaning into his mouth as he fought down another brief flare of dread. And the voice in his head that said he was in too vulnerable a position; he’d been able to ignore it for Ieryan, he could do the same for Nihlus.

The younger man pulled back to stare at him. He wouldn’t continue unless Saren told him to.

“Touch me.” He said simply, rolling his hips to emphasize what he meant. Saren wasn’t shy by any means but his self-control was already beginning to slip.

Another kiss and then Nihlus was easing that finger inside him, slowly and carefully like Saren had taught him to, he’d never been able to stop his muscles from tensing at first. The younger man pecked his mouth lightly with his own and pushed that finger in farther. Saren found that he couldn’t control his breathing or the tremor in his hands as he dug them into the sheets. Bit by bit he began to relax and enjoy Nihlus’ touch and in short order his hips rocked to match the in-out motion of the digit inside him. Then the younger man brushed his prostate and Saren melted into the bed with a soft moan.

Nihlus chuckled warmly, pecked his mouth again. “Feel good?” He asked although he knew exactly how good it felt.

Saren closed his eyes against the spike of pleasure that went straight to his cock when the younger man stroked that spot again and then again harder. He gave himself over to the sensations of heat pooling low while lightning zipped along his nerves and then the younger man distracted him with more kissing. He’d taught Nihlus well it seemed and soon Saren encouraged him to up the ante. The single finger inside him was suddenly two stretching him open. His heart slammed against his ribcage and the heat he’d felt beneath his skin began to cool but Nihlus didn’t give him time to feel uncomfortable. He wrapped his free hand around Saren’s dick and pumped him in time with the thrusts of his fingers, easily triggering that warmth to rebuild in a hurry.

He groaned into the younger man’s mouth and lifted his hips into the contact as Nihlus stroked the sensitive place inside him in tight circles. He abused that spot until Saren was burning with the need to have the other man inside him, not his fingers but his cock. His own pulsed in Nihlus’ grip with every tight caress and he rocked his hips to chase that friction. It seemed to go on forever. By the time Nihlus took his hands away, Saren was shaking with the effort to stay still and not pounce on him. He’d had his fun earlier and now…He liked feeling the other man’s erection resting heavily against his inner thigh and how he was slick with need. He wanted Nihlus above him.

Nihlus kissed along his mandibles and jaw as he made his way down to Saren’s neck, leaving little bites in his wake. When he reached the rapidly thumping pulse he traced patterns on the skin and then bit down. Saren sucked in a breath as he bucked against his former student, caused their cocks to brush and Nihlus to growl into his skin before increasing the pressure from his teeth. Strong hands and slender fingers gripped the back of his thighs and then his lover was pressed firmly to his ass. The head of Nihlus’ dick, thick and overheated, rubbed against Saren’s loosened entrance.

Something like panic bloomed in his chest and burst outward, dousing him in cold fear and he jerked back from Nihlus, putting some distance between their hips. The younger man looked at him in wide-eyed surprise before understanding changed his features and his mandibles pulled tight to his jaw. In moving away Saren had managed to overcome the worst of the panic but the little sliver of irrational fear remained. He took a steadying breath and lifted a hand to pet Nihlus’ fringe and to maybe pull him back down but the other man leaned his head away so that he couldn’t. He thought he saw a glimmer of hurt rejection in those eyes before they glanced away.

Saren let his hand fall. He’d be astonished if Nihlus wasn’t outright angry with him now. _How many times is that now?_ He wondered forlornly. _I can’t keep letting him get as far as I do and then making him stop time after time. I would have walked away from a lover that did this to me but Nihlus just keeps trying._

Nihlus didn’t meet his eyes again, staring at a spot on the floor with his mandibles hitched up against his jaw. He was still but for the rise and fall of his chest, the slow in-out of his breath clearly a forced expression of calm. Even in the obvious frustration of being denied release, Saren thought he was painfully beautiful.

He was suddenly aware of his heartbeat echoing in his head and a different kind of cold spreading from his chest outward. _I need to tell him I love him, that I can’t stop myself from panicking, that if we just keep trying eventually I’ll be able to. And I need to tell him now before I've fucked this up and he never wants me to touch him again, before it's too late._

“Nihlus I-“ His throat closed over the words. _Tell him damn it._ “I’m sorry I-“

The younger man leaned over him and touched their foreplates together with gentle pressure. “You don’t need to explain yourself,” He said, still leaning on him. “It means a lot that you’re willing to try and I’m glad you feel you can trust me enough to do so.”

Saren wrapped his hand around the back of Nihlus’ neck to hold that contact. _Tell him. Now._ “I…” _Damn it._ “I trust you more than most.”

“I’m glad.” The younger man said simply and slipped out of his hold to stand beside the bed. “I’m…going to shower and work this out myself.”

 _He’s shutting me out._ Saren thought, only recognizing the behavior because it was something he did too. “No.” He said perhaps a little too quickly and with too much force, grabbing Nihlus’ hand. He wasn’t about to let a wall of things left unspoken and unaddressed come up between them like it had with Ieryan. Saren was not going to lose Nihlus because of his stupid fear. “Let me help you.”

One mandible flicked outward and the young man looked at him warily before replying in flat tones. “You don’t have to Saren.”

“I want to.” And he did, he couldn’t let Nihlus remain unsatisfied, not with the way the younger man’s cock jutted eagerly outward and was so slick with desire that Saren was sure he was dripping. It made his mouth water and his body tightened in a pleasant way. _Next time I swear I won’t stop him._

Saren tugged his arm until Nihlus sat down and then he climbed off the bed to kneel between his feet. If he couldn’t tell the younger man how he felt without his mouth spontaneously sealing shut, he’d show him instead. The younger man looked down at him and his mouth parted as he breathed in short bursts. He knew exactly what Saren was going to do to him and he was anxious for it to begin. He didn’t have to wait more than a few heartbeats.

He gave Nihlus a slow lick from opened plating all the way to the tip of his cock, keeping eye contact the entire time. The younger man made a pleased noise and ran the back of one hand over Saren’s left mandible gently. He made his own pleased sound at the touch; Ieryan would have- _Stop comparing them. Just stop, focus on Nihlus, forget Ieryan._

Saren took his own advice and pushed his affair with the Councilor far from his mind. While he treated Nihlus to his tongue, he caressed the man’s legs with his fingertips, lingering on the super thin skin behind both his calf spurs and knees. Saren still held his former student’s stare, aware of the rapid increase in his breathing and the tremor that had begun moving through his muscles. He decided he’d teased Nihlus enough and took his cock fully into his mouth, eyes closing as he concentrated on keeping his teeth in check. Above Saren the younger man let out a ragged, dual-toned groan and cupped the back of his head under his fringe to guide his motions.

He took his time working Nihlus into a frenzy, backing off slowly when he thought the younger man was too close to release and then doubling his efforts to return him to that state. In all honesty, Saren was having fun turning his lover into a mess of incoherent words and curses. He was attentive to Nihlus’ every moan and shudder of pleasure and he reveled in being the only man to ever have the youth at his mercy like that. Saren brought him to his edge several times before finally letting him go over it, allowing the younger man to spill down his throat and staying there until the spasms stopped completely. When it was done and he’d licked Nihlus clean, he watched the younger man settle on his back with a satisfied little smirk.

Saren smiled back at him. “Mind if I sleep in here?” He chanced asking. Sharing a bed wasn’t something he’d done a lot of over the years but he’d already made more than a few exceptions for Nihlus….And he wasn’t ready to leave.

“If you want, sure.”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
A week later Nihlus returned to the Citadel to assist C-Sec with the sudden influx of deaths among the duct rats. The deaths themselves weren't unusual, the children that lived in the station's vents often suffered deadfalls in the ventilation shafts, fell into the fans bellow, or even wandered too close to the station’s parameters and suffocated in the vacuum. The unusual thing was the bodies were actually being found a stone’s throw C-Sec’s Presidium headquarters, intact with no outward clue to the cause of death. Nihlus had volunteered to help after the third murder made the news. It wasn’t often the Citadel became the stomping ground of a serial killer. That the killer or killers had the gall to leave the bodies on C-Sec’s doorstep was a political nightmare and a severe insult to the officers. Executor Pallin was understandably pissed about the whole thing. On the other side of the deaths, the more _privileged_ population of the Presidium was in an uproar of general panic and unease, there was even talk of a curfew being imposed.

Nihlus contacted him sparingly, once a week at most. After two months passed with no physical contact, Saren could admit to himself that he missed the younger Spectre’s company and that his heart ached at the distance. Of course, he wouldn’t verbalize that even under threat of execution. He spent those months on Palaven tracking a small group of multi-species mercenaries. Such a thing was a rarity on the turian homeworld and therefore easier to observe. During the day he gathered intel, trying to learn just who was supplying the mercs with the equipment and the funds to stay relatively hidden from authorities. His nights were passed working out his frustrations on Kuril. It was nothing like it was with Nihlus. Kuril only liked his sex rough, he enjoyed being bound, blindfolded and propelled into surrender by a more dominant partner. Once Saren had enjoyed being that partner but now… The space-born cop was simply a distraction when all he could think about was how much he wished he was on the Citadel too.

He resolved to find the moneyman within a month. He’d already wasted too much time just observing when he could be putting an end to the operation with a couple of well-placed shots. Saren had already identified the mercs’ leader, a dark skinned human called Vido. Due to Palaven’s natural radiation, he’d only seen the human a few times out of his enviro-suit and only from a distance through his rifle’s scope. It was obvious the human wasn’t in charge of anything more important than directing shipments and generally overseeing things. Saren would have to dig deeper to find the real person in charge.

_Tomorrow I’ll dispatch Vido and steal the credit chit, follow the money to the supplier. Easy._

It wasn’t a pressing matter but it was an inconvenience to Cipritine’s police force and a headache for the current governor. He certainly had the time, the threat of immediate violence from the mercs was low and likely wouldn’t occur on Palaven at all. In fact, based on what Saren had already observed, they seemed to only be gathering resources for something of a much larger scale. He wasn’t sure what that was yet and he didn’t like not knowing.

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Saren pulled at the thick cord binding both of Kuril’s wrists before flopping down next to him to catch his own breath. It took a few minutes until the other man’s shaking had subsided enough to push up onto his hands, though no more than a few inches were between him and the floor. Kuril ripped the blindfold off and tossed it away before he crumpled onto the carpet with a pained groan and a full-body shudder. Saren instantly realized he’d gotten Cicero’s penchant for pain crossed with Kuril’s desire to be dominated. The cop only enjoyed the illusion of being hurt and he certainly didn’t like to bleed. He had been more than receptive while it was going on but now that the endorphins had fled his system, that didn’t seem to be the case.

He laid a hand on Kuril’s waist in apology, not the least bit surprised when he flinched under his touch. Strictly speaking, Saren didn’t care about the other man’s feelings or wellbeing but he wasn’t so much of an asshole that he’d leave him hurting.

“Can you stand?”

“Don’t think so.” Kuril muttered and his voice was rough; Saren had gotten him to cum screaming.

He stood, pulling the light brown plated man up with him and walked him to the bed. Kuril fell into it with a grateful sigh and then a hiss when the cuts on his sides stretched and fresh blood beaded to the surface. Saren looked him over with a critical eye. The injuries to his middle were shallow, hardly more than scratches really, and wouldn’t need any medigel. It was the same for the friction burns on his wrists.

“You’ll be fine by morning.” He said with the same soft undertone he used when trying to soothe Nihlus. His hand was violently slapped away when he reached out to run it the length of Kuril’s fringe.

“What is up with you?” He demanded.

Saren was dumbstruck. “Me?”

“Yes _you,_ ” The cop spat. “Ever since you arrived you’ve been acting different, getting more familiar with me than you’ve ever been. First you tried to kiss me, which I still don’t understand why you think I’d _ever_ want to kiss _you_. Then tonight, you fucking hurt me.”

Saren stared at him unsure of how to explain that he’d gotten his preferences confused with those of another lover. Kuril knew he wasn’t the only one but it still wasn’t something they talked about. It wasn’t proper etiquette.

“You know what, I don’t want an explanation.” He growled. “We’re done Arterius. Now get out.”

He left the other man lying there without another word and stopped only long enough to pull on his boots. The door locked automatically behind him and Saren headed toward his own hotel room. The Trifolia Hotel wasn’t as nice as some of the places he’d stayed and Kuril could certainly afford better, considering his high-tier father probably paid for more than half all his expenses. Or he had the last Saren knew but Kuril had seemed far more run-down than usual, not only was their meeting at a hotel outside the norm but his clothing had looked cheap too.

In his own room a floor above Kuril’s, Saren threw himself onto the still made bed. He lifted his arm and activated his omni-tool, hoping that Nihlus was available to talk or had left him a message. He was in luck, there was an audio message waiting for him time stamped a few hours ago.

 _“Hey,”_ Nihlus’ face appeared, he looked and sounded exhausted, the skin of his throat far too pale. _“Guess you’re doing…whatever. I hope you’re having more luck in your investigation than I am.”_

He sighed and rubbed hard at his face, his mandibles drooping just a bit before he continued. _“I know you don’t have much of a soft spot for children but… There was another body found today…turian. She couldn’t have been older than ten but she was so small and I…”_ He took a long, wobbling breath. _“Just wrap your thing up soon. I need you here.”_

The message ended there on a view of Nihlus’ green eyes and their feverish glow. The younger Spectre was even more disturbed than he was willing to say. Saren checked the time, wondering if it was too late Citadel time to call Nihlus back. Unfortunately it was, but it wasn’t like he knew what to say to comfort him.

The following morning Saren cornered Vido in his hotel suite. The sun had barely risen and the human was still sleeping, though not alone; there was an asari lying loose-limbed across his chest. She was aware of him long before Vido was, snapping awake the very second Saren positioned himself at the foot of the bed. Good instincts for a maiden, he let her go.

Saren surveyed the room. The human’s weapons and armor were too far out of reach to be used against him. Lifting his foot, he slammed it into the bedframe, effectively starling Vido into wakefulness.

“Good morning.” Saren deadpanned.

To his credit, the human recovered from the shock quickly. “Well this is a new spin on room service.” He quipped.

He pulled the pistol from the slot on his thigh casually and silently.

Vido let out a noise of absolute frustration. “What do you want?” Even without the multiple tenors and harmonics of a turian’s voice, the human’s tone was perfectly clear. _You’re not worth my time._

Arrogant species. It never failed to raise Saren’s hackles. “Who’s paying for your operation?”

“Why?” He asked snidely. “Do you want a cut?”

His Armax Arsenal Brawler had a very sensitive trigger, Saren only needed to brush it for it to fire. And for Vido to scream. “For every incorrect answer I will shoot you.”

“You’re fucking insane!” The human yelled, both hands wrapped around the wound on his lower leg.

Saren had only barely resisted shooting anywhere fatal or guaranteed to bleed a lot. The bullet had skated across the fatty muscle of Vido’s calf; he wasn’t in any real danger from the laceration.

 _Doesn’t stop it from hurting though._ Saren thought with a bit of smug satisfaction. “I’ll ask again-“

“Go fuck yourself!”

He shot the other leg, aiming a little higher than the human’s knee. “Your supplier?”

The human glared at him hatefully and Saren returned the stare. The coppery smell of his blood was nauseating and if his interrogation continued in the same line, there would be more blood shortly.

“Who are you?” Vido demanded through gritted teeth.

In his experience, there was a sentence that assured cooperation every time. “Saren. I’m a Council Spectre.”

“ _You’re Saren?_ ” Vito laughed loudly though it was still edged with a fair amount of pain. “I don’t fucking believe it! Oh this is rich, he’s always fucking warning us about you and here you are.”

Saren was good at his job and as such his name got around, he was known all over the galaxy as the youngest turian to ever make the Spectres. And the only one to have been in operation for more than two decades. His safety depended on his appearance remaining more or less unknown. He didn’t do a lot of public speaking because he was probably the only living turian with uniformly pale plating.

“You really don’t know, do you?” At Saren’s silence Vido laughed again. “That’s just-“

He shot Vido in both shoulders this time. Saren didn’t like to be laughed at. “This is the last time I’ll ask nicely.” He sneered, his every tone furious. “Who is your supplier?”

“Kuril!” Vido screamed. “It’s Kuril!”

The barrel of his gun dipped half an inch, the only outward sign of his surprise but Saren’s mind was racing. That Kuril had managed to hide his involvement with the mercs from him was just this side of unbelievable. And frankly embarrassing from a professional standpoint. Saren pictured the previous months in his mind, night after night fucking Kuril and still not knowing what the other man was up to. He should have seen it! The clues were there: the shitty hotel, the cheap clothes, his short temper, he’d overlooked them all. Simply because Kuril didn’t matter to him.

The human panted, propped against the head board, his head drooping toward his chest. His eyes still shown with contempt. “You seriously didn’t know?” His next laugh was breathless, barely a chuckle. “Rumor is he’s been your fuck-buddy for years. Fuck, you must be stupid as shit. Kuril’s been playing you like a bitch and-"

Saren squeezed the trigger one final time and Vido’s skull ceased to be connected to his torso.

 

It only took a few minutes on the extranet for the rest of the pieces to fall into place. Kuril’s father had been murdered in the last year, apparently by his business partner. She’d been arrested but was later released on a technicality and the help of a very competent lawyer. Kuril resigned from his position as lead detective in Cipritine’s police force, sold off his father’s estate and then dropped off the grid. Saren used his Spectre credentials to get a look at the man’s bank records and wasn’t all at surprised to see just how much had been allocated all over Palaven. Even a bit had made its way to Omega, probably the exact credits that had brought Vido and his men to the homeworld. It was obvious now that Saren had been presented with all the facts, so obvious it was insulting. He’d let Kuril get too close, close enough that he hadn’t been able to see the scheme unfolding under his nose. He felt like an idiot.

Saren caught the former cop just stepping out of the hotel room they’d used last night. He didn’t appear to be in any kind of rush, obviously unaware of the approaching situation. Kuril moved slowly, tired strain visible in his every motion. When the duffle bag on his shoulder banged into his side he sucked in a tight breath and resettled the strap gingerly on his shoulder. The cuts to Kuril’s waist must have been more serious than he’d thought. Saren also noticed that the man was wearing the same clothes he’d pulled off the night before, though now that he knew what to look for he could see that they were rumpled and in need of a serious washing.

“Kuril,” Saren called amicably, striding down the hall to stand next to him at the door.

“Arterius, I really don’t want to talk to you.” The man growled without looking at him.

He got a secure grip on the man’s arm and jerked him close enough to speak directly into his ear. “I’m not giving you a choice.” He hissed full of threat.

Kuril looked at him then, mandibles held tight to the bottom half of his jaw in an expression of guilt. Good, he wouldn’t have to explain why he was here in abundant detail. Saren slapped his other hand on the door’s holo-lock and pulled Kuril into the room. The other man met his gaze head on but without defiance.

Kuril took a breath and glanced away from him. “It was Vido that told you wasn’t it?”

Saren didn’t reply, didn’t do anything but that was an answer in itself.

“Figures. That’s what I get for trusting a spineless species utterly devoid of honor.” He grumbled. “Well, how much do you know?”

“I know your father was murdered-” He ignored the way Kuril flinched at the words. “-by his business partner. I know the evidence was dismissed due to misconduct on the part of your officers.”

“There was no _misconduct_.” Kuril snarled heatedly. “My people followed procedure to the letter. The fault was not in my department.”

Saren gave a half shrug, it was semantics and he didn’t care. “You resigned-”

“What was I supposed to do? It isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. A criminal going free because of misfiled _paperwork_! After my dad was… I’d had enough, more than enough. I’ve seen it unfold the same way time and time again and it’s always getting worse. I couldn’t stay there knowing I wasn’t making a damn bit of difference.”

“Just where did Vido come into this?”

“He owed me a favor.” Kuril said simply. “I found a derelict ship out in the ‘Verge while I was…trying to find myself again I guess. I paid Vido to have it repaired and redesigned to be an ark for prisoners. Criminals from all over the galaxy could be housed, the more dangerous ones put into stasis, but they’d be out in the middle of space where the only escape is death in the vacuum. It’s something the actual law won’t and can’t afford to do, but I can cut the corners that the collective governments can’t. Your job would certainly be easier.” Kuril peered up at him, his eyes earnest and full of conviction. “I can see it in your eyes Arterius, you think it’s a good idea.”

Saren remained silent, mulling the man’s words over in his head. Kuril was correct in thinking he did appreciate a space-centered prison because it did make sense. Maybe it was even possible with the assistance of the Hierarchy or the Council. But on his own with only the help of mercenaries and whatever was left in his inheritance, it was bound to fail and fail horribly. Saren couldn’t allow the plans for this ‘space prison’ to continue and that in turn meant he couldn’t permit the former cop to continue either. With Vido dead he’d just find someone else to gather the resources and the manpower. Saren wasn’t a man that routinely took prisoners back to the Citadel for trial or execution and Kuril was spot on in his assessment of traditional law enforcement. It was too much of a hassle and the simple fact was that his ship didn’t contain a brig or even an area that could be used as such. He certainly wouldn’t put the man in Nihlus’ room.

While he considered his options, Kuril moved to stand directly in front of him and stared at him with pleading amber eyes. He seemed to sense that Saren had made a decision and he stepped even closer, dropping gracefully to his knees.

“I can forget last night happened,” Kuril said with subharmonics laced with a misleading charm as he leaned forward and rubbed his face along Saren’s thigh like a well-trained pet hoping for approval.

“Just take a moment to imagine it.” He purred persuasively. “We could be partners and –no, you can be in control of the whole project. I know how much you like to hold the reins.” Kuril pressed his mouth against Saren’s armour in a kiss he couldn’t feel. “I know all the things you like.”

Saren sighed as the other man slowly slid his palms up his legs to the armour covering his groin but it wasn’t because of that. Once Kuril’s submission turned him on, once he’d enjoyed holding the man down, restraining him and making him scream or beg. But now…Now Saren liked the dark hands that seemed to wrap completely around his waist and the white-striped mandibles that brushed his throat when Nihlus nipped at the far too sensitive spot under his jaw. He didn’t want to bring pain to his lovers anymore and he didn’t want to be begged to stop even as the body beneath his urged him for more. He didn’t want Kuril anymore, didn’t even want to make the effort of arresting him and arranging for some kind of detainment, he just wanted to leave.

Kuril had gotten bold enough to slip his fingers under the armour covering Saren’s groin and was rubbing at him through his pants. He took that hand in his own and pushed it away without any violence. “I don’t have time for this.” He said decisively. “I have to return to the Citadel, Nihlus-”

“Spirits! What is it about that colony-trash little shit?!” Kuril snapped, glaring up at him. “Even before you were fucking him he followed you around like a fucking varren hoping for a treat. He’d have bent over any time you asked, the wretched little fool that he is. I should have torn his mandible off for even thinking he was worthy of you! You need an obedient sub, one that knows his place is at your feet. You shouldn’t waste your time with him when I’m what you need.”

The edges of Saren’s vision clouded over with blue. That was _his_ Nihlus. Who kissed him, whose smile made his heart skip and whose touch burned him hotter than any flame. The young man that had allowed himself to be taken in every way possible yet always stopped when Saren asked him to, who never gave in to anger or gave up from frustration. Who, Saren was sure, would continue to wait as long as he needed him to. _His_ Nihlus.

His arm snapped out lightning fast, jerked Kuril’s head back by the ends of his fringe and wrapped his other hand around the pale brown throat. The man hummed in content, his eyes closing and stretched his neck to give that hand more room.

Saren had to fight the urge to just snap his spine, instead he just squeezed. "You shouldn't have said that."

“Why?” He rasped.

"Because I love him." He said and replaced his hand with the barrel of his gun. Kuril didn’t even have the time to realize the mistake he’d made before Saren squeezed the trigger.

 

It wasn’t until he was knee deep in dead bodies that Saren realized what he’d said. The epiphany startled him enough that a sniper was able to take out his shields. He dropped behind his cover instantly, partly to let his shield regen and partly because his knees had gone loose and refused to hold his weight. _Spirits._ He waited for the overheat gauge to go back to zero and then popped back up to take out that sniper, immediately falling back once that was done. _Not the time for this._ But he still couldn’t shake off the shock.

Kuril’s final words, when he had abandoned seduction in favor of belligerence, looped in his head. Saren felt no guilt for killing a man that had been one of his bed partners off and on for the past five years, in fact he felt next to nothing over putting a gun under Kuril’s chin. He wondered if he should but the only emotion he could pull forth was a simmering anger and the clear knowledge that he’d killed the former cop for that reason rather than for his duty as a Spectre.

 _I said I loved him._ Saren had never managed to verbalize his feelings for Nihlus before, not even when he was alone. He’d said the words with Ieryan, but even then he’d only repeated what the older man said because he knew it was expected of him. Saren never spoke them first. Even later as their relationship had morphed into something a lot less casual, the Councilor had always expressed his feelings first and Saren would say it back with as much conviction as he could muster.

 _If I called Nihlus would I be able to say it again?_ He wondered, peering out from around his cover. _Or will I just choke? Was I able to tell Kuril because I knew I was about to kill him?_

Another shot ricocheted off the half wall he was crouched behind and Saren stood again, throwing one hand out and releasing a rush of destructive biotic energy. A flanged scream was the answer to that and he stepped from behind his cover to advance forward.  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
He took a scalding shower aboard his ship after programming the autopilot to leave Palaven’s orbit. Human blood had splashed back onto his exposed skin and while Saren wasn’t lethally allergic to levo proteins it did cause his skin to itch and sometimes even burn. He scrubbed himself raw and then stood under the water until the heat of it had him fighting sleep. He’d overused his biotics during the assault, released a modicum amount of his control over the volatile energy inside him before it burst and took him under. Saren was near to exhaustion as a result and had probably taxed his bio-amp enough to warrant the purchase of a new one. Now he could barely hold up his weight, leaning heavily on the shower wall and watching the red swirl around the drain.

When his eyes started to droop he switched the shower off and got out, wiping his face dry with a towel before doing the same to the rest of his body. He hadn’t retrieved his clothes before his omnitool lit up with an incoming vid-call.

 _”Saren?”_ Nihlus’ voice was soft through the ‘tool.

“I’m here.” He answered.

_”I can’t see you…”_

“Give me a moment to transfer you to my terminal.” A few gestures over the holo orange glow and Nihlus’ face appeared above his desk. “There.”

His former student still looked drained but his mandibles twitched and spread into a wide grin. _“You, sir, are naked.”_

“I was in the shower.” He deadpanned but he was grinning too.

Nihlus’ image looked him up and down leisurely. _“Trust me, I’m not complaining.”_ His subharmonics were definitely pleased but then he turned a bit more serious. _“How far are you from the Citadel?”_

“I’ll be there some time tomorrow afternoon.” Saren answered. “Has something changed in your investigation?”

 _”No, nothing’s changed,”_ The younger man assured him. _”That’s not why I’m calling.”_

“Oh?”

Nihlus’ image glanced away. _“This is embarrassing,”_ He murmured and his tones echoed the statement.

Saren found himself genuinely confused. “What is Nihlus?”

 _”I called because…”_ The younger man’s voice trailed off into an anxious trill. _“Because I’m horny.”_

In his mind’s eye he saw Nihlus with his back against a wall, pants pushed down to his thighs while he’d thrust urgently into his hand. Those green eyes closed, head tossed back and his breath coming in sharp gasps before he’d groaned Saren’s name and began working himself frantically. He hadn’t been able to walk away, instead he strode forward, his eyes glued to Nihlus’ thick erection and the glistening fluid that covered his hand. All he could think about was wrapping his own hand around it and stroking until Nihlus broke for him.

“There are any number of asari that would be happy to help you.” Saren said with feigned indifference.

Nihlus shot him a mean look. _“I don’t want a women, I want you.”_

His breath caught as his heart accelerated and warmth spread from his chest outward. Nihlus wanted him, wanted to be pushed on his back or his stomach and be taken. By him.

“I want you too.” Saren said finally, and then quieter: “So much.”

The younger man stared at him with a slight smile that he eventually returned. _Now’s the perfect moment to tell him. He’s been thinking of me, he wants me._ Saren leaned forward, his arms spread across the surface of the desk and to either side of Nihlus’ image almost as if he were hugging the other man. He opened his mouth, the words on the tip of his tongue, but before he could say anything his protégé purred at him suggestively.

_“Your being naked is really distracting.”_

Saren flashed him a grin. _Next time._ He told himself, leaning back in his chair and arching his back to accentuate the curve of his waist as it dipped toward his hips. “Is it?” He teased.

Nihlus gave a soft, multi-tonal growl in answer. A delicious idea made itself at home in his head.

“Would you do me a favor _Castanea_?” He asked, purposefully keeping his harmonics ambiguous.

 _“Sure,”_ Nihlus said eagerly.

The younger man’s immediate and full trust, even before he knew what Saren was going to ask of him, was exciting. Other men he'd been with would have tried to get something from him. But Nihlus, wonderful and trusting Nihlus just wanted to please him and that made Saren want him even more. He felt his plates begin to shift the slightest bit.

“I want to watch you touch yourself.” He nearly laughed at the way Nihlus’ mandibles simply fell away from his jaw.

_“Are you serious?”_

“I am. Who knows when I’ll be able to touch you myself,” Saren reasoned aloud. “Watching you will have to tide me over. Will you do that for me Nihlus?”

_“I-I don’t know Saren. I’ve never done anything like that before.”_

“How many times did you watch me fuck another man?” Saren challenged without malice causing Nihlus to duck his head and trill in apology. “You know I’m not mad about that, I liked knowing you were watching me…And now I want to watch you.”

 _“I want to,”_ Nihlus said though he still sounded very unsure.

“Are you alone?” Saren asked and the younger man nodded. “Good. I’ll make it worth your while.”

_“Yeah?”_

Saren leaned even closer to Nihlus’ image and lowered his primary voice until the seduction in his secondary vocal cords was absolutely clear. “You can watch me...”

He saw his protégé’s eyes go wide before he spread his mandibles in a shit-eating grin. _“Ok. I am officially sold on the idea.”_

“…As long as you go first.”

Nihlus didn’t take the time to undress all the way, apparently too eager to do more than unzip and let his cock out. Judging by how fully erect he was, Saren reasoned that he’d been hard the entire time they were talking.

 _”Oh finally,”_ He moaned, wrapping a hand around his shaft. _”I’ve been rubbing against the inside of my pants for ages Saren, this is blessed freedom.”_

His gaze was drawn to the thick erection grasped in that dark hard, the blue of his swollen flesh a stark and exciting contrast. Nihlus made the sweetest little sounds- a soft moan, a sigh of delight- as he stroked up and down. A handful of seconds passed and the younger man murmured Saren’s name.

_”But…oh, your hand feels so much better than mine.”_

“Take your time.” Saren directed with a self-satisfied tone. “Slower than that _Castanea_ , I want to watch you stroke every inch.”

The younger Spectre’s head fell back, exposing the pale russet color of his throat. He slowed the movement of his hand to a crawl.

“Good boy Nihlus, keep going, just like that.”

He rumbled, pleased with the praise and kept the rhythm Saren had requested. He wished he was pressed against his lover, that it was his hand caressing Nihlus’ dick and squeezing at the appropriate times. Saren wanted to watch as he tried to hold out as long as he could and then hold him, support him as he unraveled. He let his hand wander between his legs and ran his fingertips over the spreading seam, fighting back a shiver as he opened even farther.

The image of Nihlus on his terminal shifted, sinking down in his chair but still far enough away from the camera that Saren could see all of him. The younger man spread his legs widely and bucked his hips into every stroke but he still managed to keep that wonderfully measured pace. At a low-pitched moan, Saren’s cock slid from his sheath and into his waiting palm. He let out his own sound of pleasure and Nihlus’ attention was instantly on him.

 _“I thought you were going to wait until I’d finished,”_ The younger man teased lightly.

Saren gave his cock a half-hearted stroke. “I am.”

_“Doesn’t look like it to me.”_

“Go faster Nihlus,” He said, his subharmonics commanding but still gentle. “I want you to cum for me.”

His lover visibly trembled and then the hand around his cock steadily began moving faster. Saren wanted more than anything to be there physically, to be the one pulling the sounds of ecstasy he could hear through his terminal. He whispered a few more encouraging phrases, listening to all the nuances in Nihlus’ harmonics. Then finally, the younger man came with a sharp gasp, cock shoved into his hand, hips rocking hard as he struggled to catch his breath again.

Saren bit down on his tongue to keep from following him over that edge or telling him just how beautiful he’d been at the peak of his delight. After a moment, Nihlus sat up and tucked his dick away, closing his pants with shaking hands. His image looked up at Saren with an anxious slant to his mandibles that gradually turned into a smile.

_”I can’t believe you talked me into that.”_

The skin of his hand was rough but it didn’t stop him from stroking his own shaft, taking his time purely for Nihlus’ benefit. “You enjoyed it.”

Nihlus laughed and nodded, looking at him with some warm expression. _”Saren I-”_ A sharp beep from his omnitool interrupted him; he looked down, that expression falling away like it had never been there. _“Damn it, it’s the Council. Sorry but I’ve got to go. Meet me at C-Sec when you get here.”_ The younger man smiled deviously. _”We’re not done with this Saren. I’m going to watch you masturbate for me.”_

His image vanished as Saren’s mouth went unbelievably dry and his cock pulsed in his hand. He stared at the empty space until his body’s needs refused to be ignored. He was still so tired from the overuse of his biotics and the hot shower, added to that how turned on Nihlus had left him… Finding physical release was easy if a little too quick for his liking. Saren climbed into his bed, lowering himself inch by inch onto his stomach until he was totally flat. He had nearly slipped into the void of sleep when he realized Nihlus had been trying to tell him something before he’d been interrupted by his omnitool. Exhaustion dragged him under before he could give it more than a passing thought.

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Saren woke a few hours before he reached the Relay that would take him to the Citadel. He used the free time to repair the areas of his armour that had been damaged during his assault of the mercenaries’ small but surprisingly well equipped base. Several spots of the ceramic plating were thinner and more worn that he preferred and he made a mental note to get the set refurbished by a professional. Saren’s bio-amp, when he took it out to examine it, hadn’t fared much better. To be fair it was the same amp he’d had installed shortly before he’d begun his own Spectre training more than thirty years ago. The thing was so far past its prime that Saren was surprised he hadn’t suffered any ill effects. He placed the small cranial insert into its fabric-lined protective case and pulled his hood tight over the exposed slot at the base of his skull. His first priority after meeting Nihlus would be to begin the process of getting it replaced.

He had only been docked for five minutes when his omnitool pinged with an urgent message. **Council Chambers Arterius. Now.** Considering that there was only one person ballsy enough to order him around, he knew exactly who the message was from. Sparatus probably wanted to give him a rundown of the child murders before letting him begin an investigation alongside his student.  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Sparatus didn’t seem pleased to see him. He stood from behind his desk, mandibles tight against his lower jaw and his eyes narrowed to show his displeasure. In the past such a response to Saren’s presence wouldn’t have been a deviation from their normal day-to-day interactions. Recently though, he and the Councilor had reconciled and had even made steps toward building back the friendship that had been destroyed when their intimate relationship had ended. It was slow-going but any progress was better than the years of animosity between them.

He kept his own expression passive as he looked the Councilor over. He was similar in look and build to Nihlus, something Saren had noticed a few times. In fact, his two loves were spitting images of each other but for the minor differences in their colonial tattoos. They also tended toward the same colors in their casual clothing. He’d often wondered if it was their similarities that drew him to Nihlus.

“Do you even know the scale of the mess you’ve made?” He demanded with harmonics that were just this side of absolutely furious but over the top annoyed.

Saren blinked but remained silent, waiting. He didn’t think Sparatus’ annoyance had anything to do with the recent murders.

“For Spirits’ sake Saren,” The man exclaimed stalking toward him with his hands on his hips and his mandibles flicking in agitation. “You would save me so much strife if you’d just inform the Hierarchy before carving out a swath of destruction on one of our planets!”

He straightened his shoulders and lifted his head as Sparatus came within his reach, though he kept out of his personal space. Saren kept his eyes forward, hardly acknowledging the man’s antagonistic behavior. He’d let Sparatus rant for now, it was better in the long run. Once he’d gotten the vitriol out of his system he’d be easier to talk to. It had always been that way.

Sparatus’ mandibles worked a slow rotation and flattened against his jaw. “I received a report from Cipritine Command that you left a string of bodies in your wake. A highly decorated detective among them; Arrius Kuril. Wasn’t he a friend of yours?” Sparatus waved his hand dismissively. “Never mind that, I don’t want to know.”

Saren experienced a brief memory of Kuril on his knees, hands pulling at his armour while those amber eyes gazed up at him reverently. It was followed immediately by the memory of shoving his gun under the man’s chin and the hollow sound that had echoed throughout the room when he squeezed the trigger.

“And the property damage!” He continued, his voice getting louder. “Was it really necessary to level an entire shipping yard? Do you have any idea how much that sort of thing _costs?_!” Sparatus growled in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose before continuing in a calmer tone. “I really thought you’d mellowed in the last year Saren, Nihlus appeared to be a good influence on you.”  
  
Saren stared at him, unsure of just what to say. The Councilor’s observation wasn’t far from the truth. Taking Nihlus as his protégé had been a test of patience but one he had indeed learned from.

“He’s been a factor, yes.” Saren hedged, tones purposely oblique.

“You know that usually I don’t care how you handle your operations. I can and do trust your judgment in that case. However, you do need to consider the impression you give as a representative of the Council _and_ the turian people. Spectres have a duty to uphold galactic law and as such you simply can’t go about tossing grenades down hallways and into public domains whenever you feel like it…. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

Saren offered up a shrug with one shoulder, partially amused at being spoken to as though he were a rebellious child. “I was under the impression that as a Spectre, I was able to pursue my assignments using my own methods.”

“As long as you operate with discretion, yes.” Sparatus countered.

“My job is-“

“I know what your damn job is Saren. I simply want you to be mindful of the feathers you’re ruffling with your careless gallivanting.”

“Gallivanting?” He repeated and failed to keep the humor out of his harmonics.

The Councilor sighed. “Poor word choice.” He said. “Regardless, you will write an account for Hierarchy Command detailing just why you thought it pertinent to execute one of their officers before causing the devastation you left on the edge of the capital city. I want you to sit down and write it now before Primarch Fedorian tries to climb up my ass again.”

Saren ground his teeth together, he was already wasting time here when all he wanted was to locate Nihlus. It didn’t need to be said that he wanted to put a stop to the murders; he may not have a soft spot for children in general but that didn’t mean he was in any way ok with it. The sooner he did what the Councilor wanted, the sooner the killer could found and brought to justice…Or simply done away with. “Fine. Pass me a data pad.”  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Sparatus insisted on proofreading every paragraph of his formal “report”, though by the time Saren was done it read more like an apology. He of course voiced the observation only to have the Councilor glare at him.

“Shut up and keep writing Saren.” The man snapped at him, reading over his shoulder as he typed. “Change that word, it makes you sound like a psychopath.”

“I thought that was a prerequisite for Spectres.” He countered dryly.

 _”Saren,_ for spirits’ sake I need you to take this seriously.”

Saren pointedly ignored him and concentrated on the data pad in his hand. Not long after that he was done and Sparatus was satisfied with the report enough to quit asking him to change words and rearrange sentences. The Councilor laid the data pad on his desk and then sat behind it with a tired sigh. His shoulders slumped and the air of professionalism fell away.

“Between you and me,” Sparatus said quietly as if he were sharing a large secret. “I hate the hand-holding as much as you do.”

He twitched his mandibles into the smallest of smiles though it only lasted a second before disappearing. The other man seemed more at ease now although there was a stiffness to his features that Saren couldn’t overlook. Sparatus still wasn’t a hundred percent comfortable alone with him when it wasn’t about work despite that night they’d begun to talk to each other candidly about their past. There was still a lot between them that they might never work through but…Time with Nihlus had convinced Saren to at least try.

“I need to meet with Nihlus, Ieryan, it’s hours past the time we had arranged.” He barely managed to keep the annoyance out of his tone, he’d never liked being late.

Sparatus nodded absently and stood to grip his shoulder once in a friendly goodbye. Again, any progress as still progress. “See to your protégé,” He said with gentle harmonics that informed Saren the other man knew of his involvement with his student. “These murders aren’t settling well with him. Don’t let the boy burn himself out too soon.”

Saren recalled the apparent exhaustion of his student’s face when they’d spoken the night before. “…I didn’t realize he was taking the assignment so personally.”

“He hides it well,” The Councilor commented. “But I believe he is taking the continued murders as a personal insult. Talk to him about it, he needs a new lesson on remaining objective.”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
It was only thanks to Sparatus’ warning that Saren wasn’t shocked by Nihlus’ appearance when he arrived. The younger Spectre was leaning on his palms at the Executor’s desk with his back towards him, and as Pallin was out at the moment it gave him time to just observe. He looked awful. The standard blue and black C-sec armor he wore was severely ill-fitting: the shoulders loose, the cowl far too large, the waist a tad too thin to be comfortable. Those shoulders were slouched as well, and his head hung low between them but he appeared to be reading something. There was an air of defeat about him and his spine was visibly stiff even through the armour.

It sat badly with Saren. While he trusted Nihlus to be up to whatever task he faced there had grown an urge in him to protect the man as much as he could. Nihlus was one of the few people he cared about deeply. And as his teacher Saren had put too much work, seen too much talent there to stand by and watch as he was bowed under the weight of his burdens so young.

“Nihlus.”

The younger man whipped around, one hand dropping to his hip and the gun holstered there. Looking at him head on was worse; his normally dark tan hide was several shades too pale, almost sallow and his plates had lost some of their luster.

“Saren,” He said with a wan smile and pleased harmonics. “You’re late.”

“I was held up by our favorite Councilor.”

Nihlus nodded. “He commed me last night to ask if I knew when you’d be docking…. In fact it was that call that interrupted us. Should I not have told him?”

“He would have known the second I docked anyway.”

“True.” The younger man took a step toward him and then hesitated. “So, um…how was Kuril?”

“He’s dead.”

“Shit.” Nihlus muttered with a shake of his head. “I know you and he-“

Saren held up a hand to stop him knowing that Nihlus was under the impression Kuril had been an actual friend. “I killed him. Kuril was the moneyman behind the mercenaries on Palaven.”

“Well…damn, sorry you had to do that.”  
  
 _“Spirits! What is it about that colony-trash little shit?!Even before you were fucking him he followed you around like a fucking varren hoping for a treat. He’d have bent over any time you asked, the wretched little fool that he is. I should have torn his mandible off for even thinking he was worthy of you!”_

He had to suppress the too telling harmonics that said he wasn’t sorry in the least. “It was necessary.”

Nihlus nodded, taking him at his word and thankfully not noticing his tone.

Saren rapped his knuckles on the blue and black chestplate. “Why are you wearing C-Sec armour?”

“Ah,” The younger man chuckled. “Executor Pallin thought it best that I blend in.”

“Then he should have provided you with a set that fit better.”

He hummed in agreement. “Most of the set is too big and the medium grade is heavier than I’m used to.”

“That waist is snug too, but,” Saren said, wrapping a hand around Nihlus’ middle. “These colors suit you.”

The younger Spectre snorted a laugh and slipped out of his hold, turning back to the desk and the multitude of data pads spread across its surface. Saren stepped up against his back and slid his arms loosely around him. Nihlus leaned into him for just a moment.

He rubbed his face against the back of the younger man’s neck, humming with content. “I’ve been wondering…” Saren began, holding back on the subharmonic of hope in his voice in case he was completely off the mark. “Just what were you going to ask me last night?”

“Ask you?” Nihlus tilted his head and then laughed. “Oh that, I was going to say that I thought you were sexy as fuck sitting there with your cock in your hand.”

He felt his neck heat under the collar of his armour.

“You _are_ going to make good on that promise, aren’t you?”

Knowing they certainly weren’t in the best location but not caring, Saren rocked his hips forward and pressed against Nihlus’ ass firmly. Never mind that neither of them could actually feel it decked out in armour. “I have every intention of fulfilling my promise in a timely fashion.”

Nihlus let loose a small purr and pushed back with his own hips for just a second. After a couple of months of not touching him, Saren couldn’t stop himself from spinning the other man around and shoving their mouths together. That time with Kuril had left him vastly unsatisfied but seconds into kissing his protégé, his plates shifted and then opened completely. He growled into the younger man’s mouth as his hands slid down to grab his ass.

“This really isn’t the best pla-“

Saren lifted him onto the desk’s edge and pushed his knees apart, worked his hips between them before trying to push him prone onto its surface. The younger man was correct in thinking the Executor’s office wasn’t the most sensible place for what they were doing and if they were anything other than Spectres, he may have even cared. But as it was, Nihlus tasted and felt too good and Saren didn’t want to stop. He couldn’t feel the younger man through his armour, not his warmth or the density of his muscles but that didn’t take away from the physical presence of him or how affected he was.

 _I love you Nihlus._ He thought, purring softly with that emotion. _I’m done trying to hide it from you._

Saren cupped the back of Nihlus’ neck and pulled their foreheads together as he ended their kiss. He kept the gentle pressure, his eyes locking with the younger man’s and again he opened his mouth, got as far as Nihlus’ name before the sound of someone clearing their throat caught his attention. Saren looked over his shoulder to find Pallin standing in the doorway with a disapproving look and his mandibles positioned in a scowl. There was no way the Executor could mistake what they were doing, not with the way Nihlus’ legs were spread open by his hips.

“I’ll be with you in a moment Executor.” Nihlus said with surprisingly calm undertones.

“Take your time.” The man snarled and left.

Saren growled under his breath. It wasn’t that Pallin had found them in a compromising position or even that it was on his desk, it was that the man had a serious dislike for Spectres in general. Something he made no effort to hide, willing to tell anyone who would listen that Spectres had far too much operational freedom without the rules to hold them accountable and few to no consequences when certain lines had to be crossed.

Nihlus cupped his jaw and turned his head back to him. “What were you gonna tell me?”

He sighed, the mood was ruined and the words were stuck in his throat again anyway. “It’s nothing. Come, best not to keep the Executor waiting.”

His former protégé snorted a laugh and hopped down from the desk’s edge. “What do you think he’s more mad about?” Nihlus asked, his harmonics playfully intrigued. “That there are two Spectres in his office? Or that you were about to have me on his desk?”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
They met back with Executor Pallin in a room further down used for debriefings. The aging turian stood with narrowed eyes, his arms crossed over the chest of his formfitting blue, black and white suit with its red captain’s stripes on both shoulders. Next to him was an asari in armour that matched Nihlus’. She was tall, willowy, her face lightly dusted with violet markings that flowed back over the top of her head. Saren was by far the wrong person to judge her beauty but his protégé’s gaze sure seemed appreciative. Her eyes were narrowed too; the Executor had obviously been candid about his discovery. Usually turians didn’t care about what went on personally, but then, he and Nihlus hadn’t exactly been off the clock.

“Spectre Arterius,” Nihlus began as he shifted into his professional persona. “You’ve met the Executor. This is the detective heading the investigation, Amala Basaef.”

“Spectre,” She said with a nod, her expression changing to something more pleasant, though only slightly. “What do you know about the case?”

“Only what Spectre Kryik has told me.” He answered. “Five victims as of a few nights ago. Varying species and genders, the ages range between five and twelve.”

“The first victim,” The Executor chimed in. “Was a turian male aged six years, he was found outside the turian embassy. Alcetas Agrippa ran away from his parents in the upper wards nine months ago.”

Saren was handed a data pad with a picture of a sandy plated boy with the Citadel’s distinct marks in silver lines that ran from his foreplate and disappeared under his chin.

Next to him Nihlus shifted his stance until their shoulders brushed, a nonverbal request for support. It lasted half a second and then the younger man moved away.

“The second body found belonged to a batarian boy, ten, that we’ve only been able to identify as Harkhuf.” The detective said and handed him another four data pads, each with the necessary information on the victims and the locations of their bodies. All found on the doorsteps of their respective species’ embassies. “I’ve got a pretty good relationship with a few former duct rats. One in particular, Naxos, still keeps his eyes on the younger kids.”

“I presume he’s told you previously unknown details about the victims.” Saren stated.

“These kids may outgrow the vents but they never lose contact with each other.” Pallin interjected.

Basaef nodded enthusiastically. “Naxos and a few others have told me that the five of them lived together in a larger group.”

“How many in this group altogether?”

“Three are still missing.” Nihlus said and his tones echoed a quiet despair that was there one moment and gone the next. “But now we know who we’re looking for.”

Again Saren was handed a data pad with the relevant details. He took a few minutes to read the information and submit it to his memory: Turian girl, seven. Human girl, seven. Batarian boy, twelve. Saren wouldn’t forget and after he left C-Sec he’d put out his own inquires to see what else he could gather.

“Any hints to their location?” He asked.

It was Pallin who answered, his subtones annoyed as if he thought Saren was implying he wasn’t doing his job effectively. “None.”

“Not even a whisper.” Basaef added. “We’ve looked in known areas but well, the Citadel is a big place and that’s just the areas that are mapped, never mind the parts of the station that nobody knows about. There’s a salarian in the lower wards who keeps detailed notes on popular crash pads these kids use. If they were in any of the normal places, Trixan would know about it. Again Spectre, these kids have each other’s’ backs for life, they’re more close-knit than any family or military unit I’ve ever seen.”

Saren scanned through a report, a surprised hum leaving his throat when he came across something astonishing. “Is this right?” He asked with blatant doubt in his vocals. “The Keepers are leaving the bodies where they can be found?”

“Extraordinary, isn’t it?” The Executor intoned.

“It’s unheard off.” Nihlus clarified. “Everyone knows that if you so much as _breathe_ on a Keeper they dissolve into a pile of noxious goo. And once the child has been left, it appears they still do.”

“Obviously we’re keeping that detail close to the vest.” Pallin stated with a particular type of finality to his subharmonics.

“There’s something you need to see Spectre.” Detective Basaef said and the terminal on the table at the center of the room lit up with a video. “This was pulled from the security cam half a block from where the last victim was left.”

While most of the Citadel was permanently lit the Presidium enjoyed a six hour night cycle. The security footage of a deserted hallway was time stamped to the middle of it. But the Presidium never reached the full dark of a planetside night, rarely getting darker than dusk, and the figure that moved in the video was covered by an unusual amount of shadows.

“An electrical malfunction had been recorded prior to each discovery, now we know why.” Pallin said by way of explanation. “We’ve yet to find the exact cause.”

The only thing Saren could discern about the figure was that its stature was too small to be turian or krogan and too slender to be a volus. It narrowed the pool of suspects but not by much. He was left with five species: Drell were rarely seen outside of Kahje due to their close working relationship to the hanar. The batarian ambassador had uprooted shortly after the disputes in the Skyllian Verge and that mess of an assault on Torfan in the ‘70s had left the Citadel mostly vacant of that species and those that remained were frankly too poor to have a residence near the Presidium. But the view was not good enough to eliminate them, and the remaining three were incredibly common, so again Saren was left with five species to choose from.

 _Salarian?_ He wondered and then dismissed it; the figure didn’t move right to be salarian.

The figure had a body shaped bundle over one shoulder and seemed to be carrying it effortlessly. It stopped as a Keeper meandered into its path and then knelt in front of the insect like creature. Saren couldn’t see what the figure was doing, only that the Keeper extended its arms and took the bundled body.

“That’s all we were able to recover from that camera.” Basaef told him as the recording ended.

“Is there any footage of the Keeper leaving the body where it was later found?”

“No,” Nihlus answered. “And since they um, melt, we aren’t able to discover how they’re coaxed, for lack of a better term, into leaving the kids where they do.”

Saren noticed just how closely Nihlus was letting the murders affect him then. He was referring to the victims as kids or by name rather than using neutral impersonal terms. The Councilor was right in thinking his student needed to learn to distance himself. But now wasn’t the time, he wouldn’t undermine Nihlus in front of the detective and the Executor.

“Is there anything else?”

“That,” Pallin said, pointing to the shadowed figure. “Is not our killer.”

Saren gave the man a look and waited for further clarification.

“This person obviously knew how to disable the cameras completely and yet they chose not to. That’s not the killer, but the errand boy, and they want the killer caught as soon as possible.”

The detective was nodding and she picked up where the Executor left off. “This person is remorseful. That’s why they’re leaving the bodies on our doorstep.”

“You think they will intentionally mess up.” It wasn’t a question; anyone that wanted to be caught at a crime always left an obvious trail and even those that didn’t rarely managed to cover all their tracks.

“Hopefully soon.” Nihlus said. “But the Executor has pulled some officers off normal duties to be stationed at regular intervals around the Presidium. Mostly out of sight. And…I rigged a few…” He glanced over at Pallin. “…not-so-legal motion detectors.”

“When did you do that?” The Executor demanded.

“After Pyrrosia was found.” He answered, meaning the latest victim. “I waited until your officers had gathered and cataloged all the evidence at the scene. I did _not_ compromise this case Executor. There won’t be any false-positives either, I’ve set the sensors so that they turn on an hour into the night cycle. Just late enough to not be triggered by normal foot-traffic but not too late to catch this errand boy.”

Pallin’s mandibles jerked in tight to his jaw at the same time he gave a barely audible snarl. “If you were one of my officers I’d have you suspended and put up on charges.”

“It’s a necessary action to catch the persons responsible.”

“I’ve been with C-Sec thirty years and I’ve never had to break the law to do any aspect of my job. That’s the problem with Spectres. The lot of you consider yourselves above reproach and I can’t abide by that.”

“No one’s asking you to.” Saren interjected with a snarl in his own tones. “Whether you like it or not Executor, the galaxy needs Spectres. We are the Councils’ sword and shield and we will do what needs to be done in even if it means breaking a few laws along the way. If it has to be done, it will be done. Should the Council decide we’ve overstepped the bounds of civility then it will be the Council that meets out the justice.” He looked toward his student with an encouraging nod. “Good job Kryik.”

The praise wasn’t as much for his student’s forward thinking as it was for the fact that Saren knew Nihlus would reward him later. His groin plates hadn’t closed completely, the smallest of gaps between the protective cartilage, but they spread just a bit at that thought. The younger Spectre was apparently of the same mind if the grin he sent Saren’s way was any indication.

“Thank you sir.” Nihlus was intelligent enough to keep his subtones clear of that though, especially with the Executor in the room.

“The cause of death?” Saren began, shifting through the data pads to find the one with the information he needed.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Actually, I haven’t even heard of it outside of fiction.” Basaef changed the display on the table to that of several diagrams showing full color images of each victims’ brains.

While he was a practiced field medic, Saren didn’t have even any informal medical training. He could tell the differences between species but that was the limit of his knowledge. “What am I looking for?” He asked.

“Do you see the pattern?” The detective asked, zooming in on and highlighting certain areas of each brain. “The brightness in the same place?”

“Yes.”

“That’s hemorrhagic stroke,” Basaef told him. “Our medical examiner says it’s the result of an aneurysm.”

Saren took another, longer look at each image. It was nearly exactly the same but for the different structures between species. On the right side of the brain was a large oval-like area of bright color. It was a pattern repeated in each victim with a uniform shape despite the impossibility of it. The likelihood of all five children suffering an aneurysm in the brain in the span of three months and all found on the Presidium was one in several trillion. And that was a generous statistic.

“How is that possible?”

“We don’t know Spectre.” The Executor said, his subvocals sounding mostly frustrated but Saren thought he heard a quiet undercurrent of discontent. Whether it was because the victims were children or because his investigation had been thwarted by an unusual gathering of circumstances, he wasn’t sure.

Detective Basaef fidgeted, shifting from foot to foot as her hands tangled together. “There is something but…it’s just a story now. There haven’t been any in generations of asari.”

Nihlus turned toward her. “You’ve had a theory and you’ve held it back for how long now?”

“It’s not really a theory,” She defended. “At least, it wasn’t at first, but the more I think about it, the more it seems to fit.”

It seemed Pallin was as much at a loss as Saren was, tapping the fingers of one hand on the table’s edge. A bit of body-language that said _get to the point_ , because theory or not, C-Sec had been shamed by a killer with the audacity to leave corpses within walking distance of the largest civil police force this side of Palaven.

“I’d like to hear your theory Detective.” The Executor said.

“It’s not a – fine.” She rubbed at her brow. “Turians have your vengeful spirits and the humans have devils, but asari have the Demon of the Night Winds. The Ardat-Yakshi.”

Saren clicked his mandibles in disbelief, a gesture that was echoed by both Nihlus and Pallin. He wasn’t sure how to reply to her or even what to ask as a follow-up. Neither did the Executor it seemed, other than the motion of his mandibles, the aging turian didn’t move.

“So…” His student said, stretching the word out. “Your theory is what? An asari ghost story?”

“It’s not a ‘ghost story’ Spectre Kryik.” The detective said. “The Ardat-Yakshi did in fact exist and have been documented throughout asari civilization. The last known was executed more than two thousand years ago.”

“Is it remotely possible another could be alive?” Pallin questioned.

“Sure it’s possible. Would I know about it? No.”

“Would your Councilor know?” His student asked before he could.

“I suppose so.”

“Then that’s who we’ll talk to next.” Without waiting to hear anything further, Nihlus strode out of the room. Saren nodded to both the detective and the Executor before following him.

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
As it turned out, Councilor Tevos didn’t have the time to speak with them, stuck in some meeting with the other Councilors. It left his student fuming, his movements jerky as he led Saren to the apartment he’d been given while he assisted C-Sec. The younger man was in desperate need of a stress reliever and though turians usually turned to fighting or sex in that situation, Saren had something else in mind. Of course, if Nihlus needed that type of release, then he’d certainly help.  
  
Barely through the door to the apartment, he grabbed the younger man and began to flick open the unfamiliar pressure seals of the C-Sec armour. At the same time pulling Nihlus to the master bedroom and the bathroom that he knew would be connected to it. There wasn’t a turian alive that didn’t appreciate a scalding shower after a shitty day.

“What are you doing?” He asked as piece after piece of armour fell away.

“Take your undersuit off while I adjust the water.” Saren directed back over his shoulder, fiddling with the digital temperature gauge until he had it just shy of too hot. “There, get in Nihlus.”

“Saren…” His subharmonics were full of curiosity but he did as he was told, groaning with pleasure as the water hit him.

Saren made quick work of his own armour and undersuit, paying no mind to where it fell, he’d take care of it and his student’s later. He squeezed into the shower behind Nihlus and immediately started kneading the too tense muscles of his waist and lower back. The younger man gave another pleased moan and his shoulders visibly relaxed.

“Fuck that feels good.” He said and angled his back to give Saren more access. “And it’s not like I don’t love what you’re doing, really it feels amazing…but why exactly are you doing it?”

His heart had stuttered at the word ‘love’ coming out of Nihlus’ mouth and it took him a moment to translate the rest of his sentence past the rushing noise in his ears. Saren swallowed, his throat tight with everything that word had made him feel while he envied how easily the man had said it.

“I’m taking care of you.” He dug his knuckles in along Nihlus’ spine and forced a stubborn muscle to loosen.

 _“Fuck,”_ The younger man moaned. “Why?”

 _Because I love you._ Saren thought _. Because you mean more to me than anyone in my life ever has. Because I killed a man when he called you trash. Because I can’t imagine my life without you in it. And because I can’t stand watching you beat yourself up over a few dead children and a problem you can’t solve._

His voice was thick with the things unsaid when he answered. “Have you looked at yourself Nihlus?”

He turned his face up into the spray of water, shaking his head before lowering it. “Not recently, no.”

Saren fluttered his mandibles. “Then you probably shouldn’t.” There was a slight note of teasing in his tone, to lessen the blow of telling his lover that he looked like shit. “Just let me do this for you.”

Nihlus rolled his shoulders as Saren’s hands moved over them. “…Not sure why you want to,” He said. “And I’m not going to stop you from doing what you want to do. Honestly, I’d rather have your hands somewhere else but what you’re doing now is good.”

He let what felt like an eon pass in silence while he worked on easing the tension out of Nihlus’ every muscle, eventually moving to stand in front of him. When Saren was sure that type of tension was gone from the younger man, he started to actually bathe him. He really couldn’t remember the last time, if ever, that he’d washed a lover for the simple purpose of cleaning them. Nihlus was utterly relaxed, his eyes half closed and his striped mandibles hanging lower than the line of his jaw. Long before Saren was done his self-appointed task, the shower had filled with so much steam it was difficult to take deep breaths. He had just begun to work the soap over Nihlus’ sensitive waist, working his fingers into the skin firmly, not quite scrubbing.

“Mmmm,” He hummed. “That feels nice.”

It felt better than just nice if the spreading seam of Nihlus’ groin plates was any indication. The younger man shivered as he lightly grazed his talons along the lines of muscle that divided his abdomen and trailed low to his belly. Spirits Saren loved how responsive Nihlus’ body was to touch, he never tired of finding all the spots that made him moan and sigh.

“Why don’t you do that a bit lower?” His tone was a teasing request but the way he arched his hips was not.

Saren skimmed his fingertips over the very top of those plates in a barely felt touch.

“I _know_ you can do better than that,” Nihlus joked. “Please touch me Saren.”

So he did, sliding that hand fully between Nihlus’ thighs and pressing on the now rapidly widening plates. Saren rubbed his palm back and forth until the younger man’s cock slid from its sheath, the hard flesh overheated and slick with natural fluids. He steadily squeezed the thick shaft, adding more and more pressure to make his lover groan with something like pain but he knew it didn’t hurt in the least. Nihlus grabbed the back of his head, pulling back on the spines of his fringe until Saren’s skull was tilted far enough back for him to be kissed easily.

He didn’t let it go on for more than a few seconds, tearing his mouth away to latch it to the side of Nihlus’ dark throat instead. Saren nipped lightly at first until one of those hands left his fringe and grasped the base of his skull tightly, encouraging him to actually bite. Instinct demanded he leave his mark on that sacred spot where jaw and throat became one, and the pheromones of his younger lover were so strong that they drowned out everything else. It took all Saren’s willpower to resist, channeling that need to the movement of his hand as he leisurely pumped Nihlus’ erection.

“Spirits Saren,” He moaned. “Don’t tease me.”

He left a few more bites to the younger man’s throat and then pulled away to look up at him. Saren increased the speed and grip of his hand while Nihlus stared down into his eyes, mouth open as he breathed harshly and his hips rocked in an easy rhythm, thick shaft sliding in and out of his hand. It was reminiscent of the first time he’d handled the younger man’s dick in a storage closet on some mercenary-run asteroid. Just like then, he could feel his student rapidly approaching his peak.

“Do you want to cum?” He whispered with a heat in his subharmonics that clearly stated he knew exactly what the other Spectre wanted.

Nihlus nodded breathlessly, hips picking up in cadence.

“Then cum.” He ordered and the younger man moaned loudly, his cock swelling and jerking in Saren’s palm before he shuddered from head to foot, his release shooting out of him in the middle of that shudder. He kept pumping Nihlus’ dick until the younger man took hold of his hand and pushed it away with a whimper, leaning against him.

Faster than he could prepare for, the younger man overpowered him, surging forward and slamming his back to the shower’s wall. Nihlus bit frantically at his throat as he shoved Saren’s thighs apart and grasped at the eager erection he hadn’t realized he’d had until there was a hand wrapped around it.

“Fuck I missed this,” Nihlus said into his skin and then began to bite him harder, as if he were trying to leave a mark. “There’s something about touching you that drives me _wild_ , I can’t get enough.”

Saren could certainly relate to that; his need for the younger man was already edging on insanity. It seemed he’d lost every ounce of control, thrusting his cock into his lover’s tight grip without restraint. Nihlus met his every move, hand growing tighter with every pass and each stroke faster than the one before. Saren knew he wasn’t going to last long, not with how badly he wanted Nihlus and certainly not with how determined the younger man was to get him off.

A tongue slid along the bottom of his mandible, tracing its length before licking over his mouth, nipping him there too. Then the younger man kissed him hard, the hand not enveloping his dick gripped his waist and talons dug painfully into the skin. It was the spark that ignited him and ecstasy burned through his nerves like an inferno, scorching him inside and out. He clung to Nihlus as he came, the hand around him working out every drop of cum until he really had nothing left and he was so sensitive to the touch it hurt but it was delicious agony that he didn’t want to end. Eventually it did but in its wake Saren couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by his love for the younger man.

Nihlus chuckled, kissed him once briefly. “I think you needed that as much as I did.” He said. “Let’s finish up and take this to the bed.”

The younger man finished a few moments before he did and held out a towel for him. Nihlus’ mandibles tipped in a smirk as he wrapped his own towel around his narrow waist and headed into the bedroom. Saren took the least amount of time needed to dry off and hurried after him. His former student was already stretched out on the bed, his arms positioned above his head with the wrists crossed in preparation. He’d never restrained Nihlus like that before, sure there had been any number of times he had pinned the younger man’s hands and prevented the _exchange_ of caresses while he had his way. Having the younger Spectre at his mercy, even in the minor games they played from time to time was so much damn fun.

In spite of his blatant submissive flirtation, Saren could see that his student was still exhausted and in an obvious state of emotional drain. To initiate anything further than what they’d done in the shower would be the equivalent of taking advantage. Something he’d never do to the man that unwittingly held his heart. Of course now that his blood wasn’t racing to key areas, Saren realized he was just as exhausted. He crawled onto the bed next to Nihlus, letting their bodies brush as he lay down on his side.

“You’ve reached your limit _Castanea_ ,” He said gently, reaching up to grab his hands and move them to a more comfortable spot on the dark skin of his stomach.

“I don’t know,” Nihlus chuckled, his mandibles twitching into a sultry grin. “I think I’ve got a few more in me.”

Saren found himself chuckling too, his lover’s eagerness was endearing. “You need sleep.” He clarified sternly. “You’re highly overstressed, a night of uninterrupted sleep would do you more good than sex.”

The younger man blinked. “Ok, seriously. Who the fuck are you and what have you done with my Saren?” It was meant as a joke but there is a bit of seriousness to Nihlus’ tones.

 _He said ‘my Saren’._ The words made him lightheaded. _I’m his._ But the feeling was short lived as an epiphany struck him; he could not tell Nihlus how he felt now. To confess something so monumental while they were in the middle of searching for what was by all accounts a serial killer in at the heart of the Citadel? It would only distract him, and for a Spectre lack of focus was a very dangerous thing. It could be a disaster. The smart thing to do would be to wait until the killer was caught and he was sure Nihlus could give the possibility of _them_ some real thought. Saren didn’t want him to feel obligated to answer in the positive, he wanted to know the other man’s true feelings, whether they matched his or not. Difficult as it was, waiting just a little longer was the wisest choice he could make.

“Would you believe that I’m genuinely concerned with your wellbeing?” He asked. It was true, if only half of what he really felt. “These deaths are weighing on you.”

Nihlus seemed to sink into himself, his shoulders and head dropping to the bed, his mandibles hanging loose. “Of course it’s getting to me.” He confided. “Somebody is out there pretty much _liquefying_ the brains of orphaned and runaway kids. Some sick and twisted fucker is leaving them in broken heaps on the Presidium like bits of fucking garbage!”

He took a deep breath after his outburst and turned on his side to face Saren. “I’m glad you’re here,” He said. “I feel like I’m in over my head with this one.”

Sparatus’ warning about Nihlus pushing himself toward combustion tumbled around his head. Saren knew the time to reiterate that lesson about objectivity had been perfectly presented. “You’re doing fine but for how personally you’re taking these murders. You need to learn to distance yourself.”

“I’m trying, Saren, really I am.” He sighed and rubbed at his eyes. “Y’know my dad was a merc, arguably a killer, but he had one iron cast rule. Never hurt the kids. He’d walk away from a score if he even thought he’d put a child’s life in danger. I think it’s what got him killed in the end, that his men viewed him as too weak.”

“Not being able to make those hard decisions is a weakness.”

“It’s a _good_ weakness.” Nihlus snapped at him, suddenly furious. “It’s one I will never be ashamed to have!”

Saren hadn’t realized just how vehemently the younger man would defend his view. A moment’s reflection reminded him that it was not just his view but that it came from Nihlus' father; the man had been his role model, he had built his morals and sense of sentient decency after an ideal that was impossible even for the most honorable turians to uphold. It was obvious that Nihlus was trying to _be_ the man he’d perceived his father to be. It was the same type of reaction Saren would have had if someone had even dared to infer that Desolas had been a willing traitor…though maybe a little more violent.

“Sorry.” He murmured and meant it even if he was vastly unused to saying the word.

Nihlus huffed and threw himself onto his opposite side, presenting Saren with his back. “That doesn’t change the fact that I’m pissed at you right now.”

“I know.”

The younger man shifted, using his foot to hook the blanket at the end of the bed and then pulling it up over himself, burrowing beneath it. “Obviously there’s not going to be any fucking, so why are you even still here?”

Saren gaped at him, both shocked and hurt by the words. _How can Nihlus possibly think that this is still just a casual arrangement?_ “I don’t want to fuck you,” He began. _I want to make love to you but right this moment telling you that would be stupid._

“Well, trust me, the feeling is mutual.”

He had never heard Nihlus sounding so angry. _I can’t allow this._ Saren slid across the bed and cautiously, wary of being physically rejected, wrapped his arms around his lover’s middle and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, flinching when the younger man tensed.

“What the hell are you doing?” Nihlus growled, a clear warning in his subvocals.

“I’m not leaving,” He whispered into the skin, tightening his arms. “You’re…you’re my weakness Nihlus.”

The younger man’s reply with so quiet he almost missed it. “Wh-what?”

It had been too close to the confession he wanted to make but couldn’t “I’m not going to repeat myself.”

Nihlus didn’t let it drop through, half turning but still unable to get a look at him with the way Saren had ducked his head against his cowl. “Did you just say-“

“Go to sleep.”

“But-“

“Yes.” He said simply in answer. “Now sleep.”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
He awoke alone with a message from Nihlus on his omnitool. The younger man had decided to station himself outside Councilor Tevos’ office until he could get an audience with her and Saren was welcomed to join if he wanted. Nihlus imagined he'd be in the Tower most of the day and he was probably correct in that assessment. He sent Nihlus a message back saying that he had things he needed to take care of, and while that was true, Saren wasn’t sure what kind of situation he’d be walking into when they did meet back up. He had successfully and unintentionally insulted the man last night while at the same time nearly confessed an emotion that was currently more likely to cause issues between them. It would be best to give Nihlus just a bit of time to cool off before confronting him about…anything really.

Saren had dressed and collected his armour from the bathroom and stowed it in its portable locker. He planned to drop it off at the requisitions office on his way to get his bio amp upgraded. Everywhere he needed to be was on the Presidium so he’d be close by if Nihlus needed him or if there were any developments.  
  
  
“Hey Saren,” A cheery voice greeted him as he walked into the Spectre requisitions area of C-Sec academy. It was just his luck that Mavic was the one handling repairs.

Only a few years younger than him, the merchant looked closer to Nihlus’ age. His dark grey hide and gunmetal plates had a shine to them that gave him a look like he’d recently been dipped in a vat of gloss. The orange of the colony tattoo gracing his nose and spanning the length of his slender mandibles matched the color of his eyes. Mavic’s features were just effeminate enough to make him sort of cute, something that had been a refreshing change from the type of appearances Saren usually preferred in his lovers. They had slept together a few times more than a year ago and while it had been fun, Saren had put an end to it when it became apparent the merchant was just too optimistic for the type of affairs Saren was used to.

 _Had been used to._ He corrected mentally.

“Officer.” Saren answered curtly and placed his locker on the counter.

Mavic leaned forward over his counter and smiled warmly at him. “It’s not that I don’t love hearing that,” The man purred. “But I know you didn’t forget my name.”

He pushed the heavy locker closer pointedly. “I need-“

“Oh I think I can guess what you need.” Mavic told him with suggestive vocals as his Palaven-sun eyes took him in top to bottom.

“I _need_ the torso pieces reinforced. The shield generator requires an upgrade as well.”

The other man laughed. “I wasn’t talking about your armour.” He said and his tone reminded Saren why he’d stopped meeting with him. Mavic, at the time, hadn’t been looking for a casual partner and he’d set his sights on the Spectre.

He flared his mandibles in warning. The flirtatious man either ignored that or didn’t care because he reached out and laid his hand lightly over Saren’s.

“I go on my lunch break in a few minutes,” He stage-whispered.

“No.”

“C’mon, they give me an hour, that’s plenty of time for a quickie in that place we-“

“I can’t do that Mavic.” Saren said and pulled his hand free.

“See, I knew you remembered my name.” His subharmonics were annoyingly smug. “Not like we haven’t done it before…”

 _For Spirits’ sake._ He thought with no small amount of exacerbation. “I’m with someone.”

The merchant shrugged, still smiling. “I don’t care Saren, you were with someone then too.”

“No, I mean I have-” _Is he really this clueless? Do I need to paint ‘in a relationship’ across my face?_ “I have some _one_.” He hoped that was clear enough.

Mavic made a sound that could only be a snort of disbelief. “You have a mate?”

“…Y-yes.” Saren did believe Nihlus was his mate even if he hadn’t managed to inform the other man of that fact.

“Wow…” He blinked and laughed nervously. “I’m sorry for uh, that was really…yeah, sorry for accosting you.” Mavic then pulled the armour locker close to his terminal and flicked open its lock. He gave Saren a studied look. “You haven’t told him yet, have you?”

“How did you-“

“The only reason I’m not a cop is I don’t like getting shot.” He said dryly. “Look, telling somebody you care is always hard, especially when you _really_ care about them. Just run at it full-tilt, it’s worth it.”

Saren opened his mouth but nothing came out, not like he knew what to say to something like unsolicited advice.

“Again, sorry for… um, yeah. I’ll be done with this in two hours, free of charge Spectre.”

“…Thanks.” Saren said after a moment, strangely relieved when Mavic still smiled at him.  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Getting his amp replaced with a newer model was a much simpler affair, one that took less than twenty minutes before he was on his way to see Nihlus. Though his impatience to leave had resulted in the amp not settling right in its slot but Saren told himself it was the just the discomfort of new hardware. Maybe it was even true, but it didn’t matter because he’d spotted his lover half reclining on a bench overlooking the Presidiums’ small garden.

Nihlus’ nose was buried deep in a data pad, a cup of something clasped loosely in his other hand. Saren took a moment to just watch him, noting that he’d opted not to wear his armour as well, instead he wore one of his only sets of casuals in the muted tones of grey and blue. It may have been his imagination but the clothes seemed to fit him as poorly as the C-Sec regulation attire had.

 _Spirits has he stopped eating too?_ Saren wondered with a flare of anger. This type of behavior had to stop, it was beneath a Spectre and it was so far beneath Nihlus that it might as well be a planet’s molten core. His feet carried him forward and he was suddenly there at the younger man’s side, hand wrapping tight around his upper arm.

“Come with me.” He almost growled, taking that cup away and tossing it in a nearby trashcan.

“What the fuck Saren? I’m waiting for-“

“You’ve been here for hours.” He tried not to snap, he really did, but the words came out harsh. “I take back what I said last night, you _need_ a good long look at yourself Nihlus.”

The younger man resisted at first but he seemed to see something in Saren’s face that made him give in and he rose easily to his feet. He didn’t let Nihlus’ arm go but he did loosen his grip as he tugged him toward a bathroom to shove his face in front of a mirror. As soon as he was confronted with it Nihlus' resistance came back in full: digging his feet in and trying to twist his arm free of Saren's hold, turning his head from side to side to avoid seeing himself. He stepped up against his student's back, anchoring an arm around him and grabbing Nihlus' jaw with his other hand to force him to meet his eyes.

“Nihlus.” He warned as the other Spectre snarled at him and tightened his fingers until he was sure there would be bruises. He tried for a gentle tone but wasn’t sure he achieved it. “Look _Castanea_ , just look. Can you see what you’ve done to yourself?”

Still the younger man struggled until Saren had no choice but to pin him against the sink and crowd him with his own body. He earned another snarl for that.

“I understand wanting justice,” Saren whispered into his ear and honestly laced his harmonics. “I understand that temptation to let it tip toward vengeance and I understand how difficult it is not to give in to that voice in the back of your head that says _’what’s one more pull of the trigger? What’s one more body on the pyre as long as somebody pays?’_ And the other voice that insists you’ve failed your duty, that you’ve let your team down… I’ve heard it myself more times than I care to admit… But what I don’t understand Nihlus is why you’re letting those voices control you and sway your focus.”

The younger Spectre finally met the stare of his reflection and the tense resistance left his frame.

“It’s an infectious and insidious thing: doubt.” Saren loosened the hold on Nihlus’ chin by degrees but he squeezed that waist tighter. “Just a sliver of it can worm its way into your spirit, remain unnoticed as it festers and eats away at you…”

He spoke from experience, most of which hadn’t come from his time as a soldier or a Spectre. Years ago, before and after Desolas’ death, that constant uncertainty had nearly ruined him. Had it not been for Ieryan’s intervention, for his affection, Saren wasn’t sure what type of person he’d be today. Self-doubt was not a path he was willing to let Nihlus walk, even for a moment but he still wasn’t sure he’d made his point.

“You simply can’t save everyone.” He said softly but with no lack of firmness. “It’s admirable that you try, that you put so much of yourself into the effort, but Nihlus…you have to stop throwing _all_ of yourself at a problem. If you continue at this pace you will crash and burn.”

The younger man blinked a few times and Saren thought he saw a hint of wetness ringing those verdant eyes but then Nihlus hung his head. The same air of defeat he’d witnessed in the Executor’s office fell onto the other Spectre’s shoulders heavily but was quickly shaken off. Nihlus’ head lifted and his reflection’s mandibles hitched up high in determination. He caught Saren’s eyes and held them, a heat to them he hadn’t seen since the first days of his training.

“That won’t happen.” Nihlus vowed and his harmonics were fairly convinced of that.

The younger man’s conviction was heady and Saren couldn’t help but imagine that confidence used in a different setting. His baser urges had the worst timing, plates abruptly shifting open when the implications of their position made itself known in his head. He effectively held Nihlus hostage between his body and the unforgiving metal of the sink’s basin while the determination radiated throughout the man’s slender frame with a steady thrum that left him more aroused than he’d thought possible. Saren sincerely couldn’t stop himself from pushing forward and grinding his growing erection against Nihlus’ ass.

Without the usual barrier of armour between them Saren could feel him breathing. And Spirits save him, all he could think about was bending the younger Spectre forward and staring into those green eyes _through_ the mirror as he took him. The mental image was so clear that Saren found he didn’t care they were in a semi-public place. The realization that he wanted to make that mental picture true burned his nerves.

“Do you know why I chose to mentor you?” He asked instead, public bathroom notwithstanding, he knew that surrendering to his desire was not what Nihlus needed right now.

“No,” The younger man answered softly, his subvocals both curious and frightened. Saren pet his side reassuringly; he didn’t want him to be frightened.

“I chose you because I saw past the uncouth attitude, reckless bravado and blatant insubordination to the reason for that behavior.”

Nihlus fidgeted, shifted his weight and broke the eye contact but he didn’t try to move away. Saren recognized that the man wasn’t submitting, only waiting and calculating. He felt the younger Spectre breathe deep in preparation through the rise and fall of his shoulders, felt the beat of his heart through Nihlus’ back pressed to his chest.

“So…” He tried for a nonchalant tone but didn’t quite make it. “Just what did you see under all my bravado?”

There was a suggestive cadence to his voice that made Saren’s cock pulse and he rolled his hips once for a little bit of friction. Unsure if he loved or hated that Nihlus could so easily turn him into a lustful teenager again.

“I saw that you hid your depthless empathy, buried it under that agnostic temperament to keep from being drowned by it. I saw…” He paused, he’d never told anyone what he was about to share. “I saw myself, or rather the man I was before Desolas died. I wanted to preserve that quality in you, I wanted to help you turn that empathy into something useful before you buried it so deep it could never be excavated like I had done. I wanted to mold you into the man I failed to be when I lost that part of myself. I saw your potential Nihlus and you burned brighter than a nova.”

Nihlus held his stare through the mirror and was silent for a long time, long enough that Saren began to worry. “…That…is the most eloquent thing I’ve ever heard you say.” He flashed a coy grin. “Especially with your dick shoved up against my ass.”

Saren twitched his mandibles into an approximation of Nihlus’ expression and hummed a tone of warmth. “You’re a good man Nihlus Kryik,” He punctuated the statement with a press of his mouth to the side of that dark neck. “Don’t let these murders convince you otherwise.”

“I hadn’t meant to let it get to me as badly as it did.” Nihlus murmured. “And I didn’t realize my inattention to my wellbeing reflected so poorly in my conduct.”

“I know.”

“It will not happen again.”

“I know _Castanea_.” He said and finally released the younger man, immediately pressing their foreplates together when he turned around. He kept the distance between their hips in hope of letting his arousal fade.

“Thanks,” The younger man said and pulled away, easily sidestepping him and heading toward the door. “I needed that.”

It felt like a dismissal, a brush-off and it probably was. The younger man had no idea the moment they’d just shared had been another step toward Saren confessing his love. _How can Nihlus possibly not know how I feel about him?_

Nihlus hadn’t gotten more than a few steps away before that previous desire surged so fiercely that Saren couldn’t ignore it. He seized the man’s arm again and jerked him toward one of the larger stalls at the back of the room, hoping they wouldn’t be interrupted. The younger man didn’t defy him this time, obviously knowing what Saren had in mind and wanting it too. He shoved Nihlus in, held him to the wall with one hand while locking the stall door with the other. There was barely enough room for the both of them, but Saren wouldn’t need too much space to get them off.

“You’ll need to be quiet.” He said and opened Nihlus’ pants, reaching in and grasping him with practiced ease. He wasn’t at all surprised to find the younger man was as hard as he was.

White-striped mandibles fluttered outward on a soft moan. “I really can’t do quiet with you.”

He freed his own erection as he pressed into Nihlus’ space, pushed their hips together and grasped both their cocks in one hand. The younger Spectre groaned, his head dropping toward Saren’s neck.

“Fucking Spirits,” He spread his legs, grabbing onto Saren’s shoulders to stay upright. “Do we even have time for this?”

“Not having the time is the purpose of a quickie Nihlus,” He muttered dryly and started stroking them both with a rough and fast pace. The younger man thrust against him and his moan gained some volume, Saren pulled his head down with a hand at the base of his skull. “If you can’t be quiet on you own, muffle it. Bite down.”

Nihlus bit onto his shoulder and teeth pierced the fabric of his shirt but didn’t reach his flesh. He could feel the vibration of each moan as he sent them hurtling toward orgasm with a strong and tight grip in spite of a combined slickness that made it easier to keep that hurried pace. Saren came seconds before Nihlus did, holding his skull and shifting his other hand to catch their seed and keep it from getting on their clothes. The younger man’s hands trembled as he unclenched them from Saren’s waist where they’d gripped him at the peak of release. Nihlus’ teeth were still locked on his shoulder, having cut through to his skin as the other man had crested and he could feel the moisture of saliva seeping through the fabric. Saren ran his hand gently over his fringe, tugging the end of the longest spine until the younger man let go. Nihlus fell away from him to rest heavily against the wall and while his lover recovered Saren licked his hand clean and then righted their clothing.

“I don’t know exactly what’s gotten into you lately,” The other Spectre said. “But it’s certainly a lot of fun. And what we just did? We’ve got to do it more often.”

Saren nodded and gave him a quick kiss. “I’ll give it some thought,” He hummed, already giving it some serious consideration. “Let’s head back.”

“Yeah. Saren?”

“What?”

“I really like this playful side you’ve been showing.”

Before he could reply, Nihlus’ omnitool buzzed.

He looked at Saren and grinned. “We’ve got our audience in an hour. Time enough to get something to eat?”

He nodded and wrapped his arm around his student’s waist as they left the bathroom, a thrill zipping through him when Nihlus let their mandibles brush. He was vaguely surprised they hadn’t been interrupted by someone while they’d fooled around but he took the blessing for what it was.  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Asari matriarchs always gave the impression of regality. The trait was only increased with a position of power and few came higher than Councilor, but there was something about Tevos that superseded that. While she possessed the characteristic gentle patience the asari were known for she also didn’t pull her punches or dance around the issues. She had the practicality of a turian and he valued that. He saw the sentiment reflected in Nihlus as his lover greeted her warmly.

“I’ve had time to read over your investigation in thorough detail Spectre Kryik.” She said as she directed them to sit on one of the low couches.

Saren had only spent time in Ieryan’s office when called upon by the Council. It had reflected his turian sensibilities: everything there was functional and had a specific purpose. Tevos’ office was much different with its many comfortable seating spots and the scattered flowers direct from Thessia, if he wasn’t mistaken. There was even an ornate tea set on the petite wooden table at the center of a large patterned rug, complete with a few multi-species-friendly snack plates. It felt more like someone’s living room rather than the workspace of a dignitary. It was an intelligent ploy to lure visitors into a false compliancy, to feel welcome and let down their guard. Saren respected her all the more for the trick, he didn’t have the patience for it but it was a good technique for winning trust.

“What can you tell us?” Nihlus asked and Saren heard the eagerness in his tones.

“I’ve been authorized to tell you everything of relevance to your inquiry about Ardat-Yakshi on the condition that it is not repeated.” She directed that last sentence at Saren despite knowing his reputation of ‘no prisoners.’

“Of course Councilor.” The younger Spectre said and he just nodded.

Tevos sighed and settled her hands in her lap. “The asari do not enjoy having to admit to gaffes, but the simple truth is there are Ardat-Yakshi in existence and more than you might think.”

Nihlus stared at her blankly for a moment and then glanced over at Saren. “How many are we talking?”

“That is something I can’t answer Spectre.”

His student’s mandibles twitched with the beginning of agitation. “Because it’s not relevant.”

The Councilor inclined her head. “I can tell you that not every encounter with an Ardat-Yakshi is fatal and casualties are in fact very rare.”

Nihlus’ hands squeezed into fists on his knees and his mandibles flattened to his face. Saren didn’t have the time to stop him before the younger man replied with an indignant and derisive tone. “There are five children in the morgue that can refute that statistic.”

Tevos’ lips thinned into a line, an expression he knew meant severe displeasure and Nihlus seemed to recognize his mistake the same instant Saren did. The younger man ducked his head once in deference.

“My apologies Councilor,” He said. “That was disrespectful of me and uncalled for. It won’t happen again.”

“I understand your feelings on this matter, but see that it doesn’t.” Her tone left no room for misinterpretation. “Our scientists have examined a multitude of… _remains_ and while the cause of death is similar to these victims, it is not the same. Bluntly put, I don’t believe your killer is an Ardat-Yakshi Spectres.”

“I’m afraid that isn’t yet clear.” Saren said before Nihlus could lose control of his tongue again.

Tevos turned to him. “Indeed it isn’t.” She agreed. “I will send you the scientists’ findings so that you may compare them to your satisfaction.” Their omnitools buzzed simultaneously as she activated her own.

“Thank you Councilor.”

“Do what you feel you must to put an end to these tragedies.” The Councilor gave Saren a tight smile and stood as a nonverbal cue that their visit was over. “I trust you can see yourselves out.”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Nihlus made a frustrated sound under his breath as they headed toward the elevator. “I know it’s precious progress,” He grumbled, stabbing at the call button. “But why do I still feel like we were stonewalled?”

“She has an obligation to her own people.” Saren reasoned.

His lover sighed. “I know that. It’s the same with us.”

“If it makes you feel better,” He said, unable to stop the smile that lifted his mandibles. “She did give us the kill order.”

Nihlus chuckled. “Actually, yeah, that does make me feel better.”

Saren squeezed his shoulder once and then let go while he waited for the elevator to arrive. Next to him Nihlus scrolled through the information Councilor Tevos had sent them and he read over the younger man’s shoulder, noting the differences in what he’d be shown the night before and what he was seeing now. He agreed that the pattern of ruptured vessels in the brain were similar to those of the children’s but there were more than enough discrepancies for him to share the Councilor’s view.

“Well, since I can’t show this to the Executor or Detective Basaef I’d like to go talk to a few of the duct rats again. See if maybe they’ll share something with a Spectre that they may not with a cop.”

“Do you think any of them will?” Saren asked, Nihlus was charismatic when he wanted to be but he’d gotten the impression from Basaef that the wayward children of the Citadel didn’t take well to authority figures. Not that it was unsurprising behavior.

The younger Spectre lifted on shoulder in a shrug. “You said to put my compassion to good use so I’ll show them I care, maybe appeal to their grief.”

Manipulation wasn’t a skill he used as often as Saren did but he wouldn’t insult his protégé by asking him if he could. Instead he nodded a silent understanding.

“Naxos will be the easiest to approach,” Nihlus continued. “He works at a restaurant in the commons cleaning tables. He’ll be the most likely to talk to me.”

Finally the elevator doors opened to admit them. “Why’s that?”

“He’s from a colony world too.”  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Naxos was the very picture of physical teenaged awkwardness, far too skinny for his impressive height and a fringe that was just beginning to grain its length. Judging by looks alone Saren supposed he’d recently turned old enough to receive his mandatory military training on Palaven. Yet here he was on the Citadel even though, orphaned or not, he’d be welcome among his own kind.

“I know what you’re thinking.” The younger Spectre commented beside him. “He won’t go. Naxos may be too big for the vents but he won’t leave these kids, they’re family.”

Saren said nothing, knowing that in a way the youth was doing his civic duty, just unconventionally by remaining where he was. Naxos saw them approaching and wiped his hands on his apron as he moved to cut them off before they actually entered the restaurant. He glared at Saren suspiciously and then looked at Nihlus with something like betrayal.

“I fucking knew you weren’t C-Sec.” The boy managed to snarl with indifference.

“I’m sorry for misleading you but it was necessary.”

“Uhuh.” Naxos responded with clear disbelief.

Nihlus let it slide and gestured toward him. “This is my associate Saren. We’re Council Spectres.”

The tan plated youth barked a harsh laugh, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back on one foot in an openly hostile gesture. “Right,” He sneered. “Because Spectres give a shit about us duct rats.”

“Of course I care.” Nihlus insisted. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a duct rat or the child of a Primarch to me.”

“Don’t bullshit me.” The boy growled, stepping toward him aggressively and raising his hand to point at the Spectre. “No one cares about us but _us_. C-Sec is only paying attention because Alcetas, Harkhuf, Jeremiah, Nate, Evie and- and Pyrrosia were found were everyone could see them. If they’d died in the vents or dropped from hunger nobody would give a fuck! Who cares if there’s another dead rat in the street? We’re just more garbage to be swept up and thrown away. So don’t fucking lie to my face and tell you care, you prick.”

With that Naxos turned and stormed away, still cursing colorfully under his breath. Nihlus stood in a state of silent shock next to Saren.

“I don’t understand.” He murmured when the boy was completely gone. “When Basaef spoke to him he was…not like that.”

“That was before they found Pyrrie.”

A soft feminine voice said to the side of them and Saren turned to find a human girl with a dark uneven fringe standing less than five feet from them. She was small in the way that Naxos had been, too tall and too skinny, and it was probably her slightness that had allowed her to sneak up on them unnoticed.

“She was sweet on him,” The girl went on. “Always teasing him that they’d get married when they were old enough. Kid stuff, y’know? He’s not angry at you Spectre, he does know you’re trying to help us, he’s just hurting. He’s acted like that with everyone that’s talked to him since then. Mostly we just leave him alone.”

Saren didn’t care for humans in the least, not since the atrocities committed on imprisoned turians at Shanxi had been revealed. The humans claimed they were trying to _learn_ but he didn’t believe that for a second. His people had been experimented on in the name of science, already dead before they were cut into... or so the humans said. His student, born years after the mess of Relay 314, didn’t share the same distrust. He was willing to offer them the benefit of the doubt rather than the instant hate Saren refused to shake himself loose from. He’d let Nihlus handle the girl and hopefully they’d have better results with her than with the surly turian teenager.

“I’m Skyler,” The girl told them. “I want to help you catch whoever’s killing us.”  
  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Skyler turned out to be very helpful, apparently observant by nature she knew were the victims had spent most of their time while alive and she showed them each location. The girl even drew them a map with the help from Nihlus’ omnitool of the tunnels that particular group had used to get around without being seen. Then Skyler took them to a place she called “the nest”, revealing that it was the place their victims had claimed for territory. Without being asked, she also showed them how to access that nest but he and Nihlus were too large to fit through the entrance.

They waited together for Detective Basaef, the younger Spectre chatting with Skyler about each of the children while Saren kept a wordless watch. When the detective finally showed, the two of them climbed in through the access hatch and vanished. It was almost an hour before they returned covered in grime and something unidentifiable. Skyler melted back into the bustle of the Wards with a kind wave to Nihlus and a nod to Saren.

“Anything of use?” He asked when Basaef neared them.

“Not too much unfortunately Spectre.” She replied. “The tunnels widen a hundred yards in, big enough for an adult to stumble through but still pretty snug. Skyler did show me something pretty interesting though.”

“What?” Nihlus asked eagerly. Despite his easy conversation with the human girl, he hadn’t enjoyed any aspect of the waiting.

“Once you get into that open space there’s Keeper gunk and biotic scorch marks everywhere. Seems however our perp is coaxing the Keepers into disposing of the bodies needed a lot of tests first. And going off the sheer amount of biotic damage, I’m certain we’re looking for an asari that’s probably near the later end of her matron stage.”

The younger Spectre’s mandible flared into a pleased grin which he directed at the both of them. “Finally something we can work off of.” He said delightedly. “How soon until we can go into the larger tunnels?”

Basaef fired up her omnitool. “I’ll need time to find an entrance with easier access and to get an infiltration team together. We’ll have a lot of ground to cover once we get in there. Let me talk to Pallin and I’ll get back to you. Later Spectres.”

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Nihlus mellowed drastically on the way back to their temporary accommodations, hanging back near the door when Saren stopped to retrieve his armour. Mavic had looked over his shoulder at the younger Spectre and given him a knowing smiling and a whispered compliment _(Spirits-damn it Saren, he’s sexy as hell)_ before handing over the locker. He’d smiled back at the merchant feeling smug.

When they got to the apartment, Saren set his locker aside and tried to embrace his lover warmly. But Nihlus slipped out of his hold, murmuring some excuse about wanting to be alone for a while to go over their findings and process what they’d learned. He thought nothing of it, simply pet the other man’s fringe affectionately and retreated to the other bedroom. Saren spent some time checking over the revisions to his armour, pleased with Mavic’s work before he figured he may as well get some rest. Basaef could contact them at any time to go ‘underground’ as it were and Saren knew he’d need all the focus he could spare.

He expected sleep to elude him, for his mind to wander and whir on and on about meaningless things or to show him image after image of Nihlus. But a few minutes after he closed his eyes, he found himself in that in between space of sleep and a distant awareness. Saren stayed in that state of half-sleep for a while before a shuffling noise and a sudden dip of the mattress propelled him into full wakefulness.

“My room is freezing,” Nihlus muttered as he pulled the blanket back and crawled under it, pressing himself against Saren’s side. He was shivering. “I was taking the stuff from this bed to stay warm when it was just me.”

The younger man didn’t sound entirely truthful- after all he could have just cranked the heat up if he was that cold- but he wasn’t going to refuse the chance to share a bed with him, even if it was just for warmth. Saren debated telling Nihlus that he didn’t need an excuse to wrap around him but decided to just stay silent and enjoy it. While Nihlus would initiate the start of sex from time to time, it was mostly Saren that signaled he wanted to fuck. That the younger man felt he needed an excuse to approach intimacy meant he was nervous and calling him out on it wouldn’t end in anything fun.

“I put everything back the other night once I knew you were on your way.” He said, sliding an arm over Saren’s stomach. “I knew you’d want to have sex when you showed up…”

Saren hummed in agreement and twitched his mandibles with amusement. “And we’d probably overheat with so many blankets.” He shifted around until he was able to wind an arm around the younger man too, sighing at the contact despite the chill he could feel through Nihlus’ shirt.

The younger Spectre snorted a laugh as he pushed closer to Saren’s side, he let his head rest on his shoulder and trailed a hand to the top of his pants. “Considering how hot you make me, yeah, absolutely.”

He covered that hand with his own, slipping his fingers between Nihlus’. “It’s the same for me.” He said quietly. “I always want to have sex with you. Sometimes I can’t keep my hands to myself.”

Saren didn’t know what made him say that. It was true but he wasn’t usually so impulsively honest, at least not verbally.

Nihlus laughed. “Yeah, you certainly proved that today. Is that the first time you’ve done something like that? Semi-public sex? I mean, I know you’re a bit of an exhibitionist but that could have ended badly if someone had caught us.”

He shrugged. “There wouldn’t have been any sort of punishment.” He said dismissively. “At worst we’d have been reported for indecent exposure and as C-Sec has no authority over Spectres it would have been passed to our Councilor. Trust me when I say Ieryan doesn’t care.”

“So you and he got pretty kinky?” He asked. “Wait, I’m not sure I want to know.”

He’d had sex with Ieryan in his office more than once, usually once the Council Tower was deserted and most everyone had gone home, but there had been a few times it had happened during the day. There weren’t many people brave (or stupid) enough to barge in to what he later learned was a Councilor’s office uninvited or without paging ahead first. He remembered one time in particular when he’d been sprawled on his back over the desk while Ieryan took him at a leisurely pace. Saren had almost reached orgasm when the intercom next to his head came alive with the secretary’s voice. The Councilor had covered his mouth with a hand, grinned and kept fucking him while calmly answering the call. Saren had been young enough at the time to be embarrassed to the point of being angry.

“We had some fun.” He told Nihlus finally.

Spirits, he could see the other man pulling something like that and he really liked the mental image it imposed over his memory. The younger Spectre in the Councilor’s place, thrusting into him, covering his mouth to muffle his sounds as he casually answered a summons…

Saren’s pelvic plating opened and in a span of heartbeats, his cock filled. “Although it doesn’t compare to the fun you and I have.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not.” He shifted until he was on his side facing Nihlus, both their hands now trapped between their bodies. “I’m hard just thinking about the fun we have. Feel?”

He nudged Nihlus’ hand until it covered the front of his pants, rocking his hips forward for the friction. To his delight, the younger man began massaging him through the fabric without being asked. He couldn’t wrap his hand around Saren, not completely but, the effort to do so was appreciated. Especially when he ground the heel of his palm down hard, drawing out a groan and making him buck into the contact.

“Thanks for reminding me,” Nihlus whispered and removed his hand to low a moan of protest. “You, Saren, owe me a show.”

“I hadn’t forgotten.”

“Good,” The younger man put a hand on his hip to hold him still while he opened the button and zipper of Saren’s trousers. “Give me a hand here?”

He raised his hips to give Nihlus the room to slide his hand underneath him and grip the waistband. He pulled Saren’s pants down with a sharp tug before carefully removing them from his calf spurs and throwing them aside. The room was cool enough to make him shiver when the air touched the slick surface of his dick. Nihlus straddled him just below his knees, too far to reach from his supine position and too far down his legs for Saren to try and sit up, then leaned forward to work open the toggles of his shirt.

“You’re awfully eager to get me naked,” He teased even as he arched up enough to allow his shirt to be removed too.

“Can you blame me?” Nihlus asked as he ran his hands along his bared chest and waist. “I’ve watched you fuck and I’ve been fucked by you but I’ve never gotten to see you handle yourself. Do you know how many times I hacked the security feed hoping I’d get to see you? So many fucking times. If we hadn’t been interrupted the other night I would’ve made you do it over and over again until you passed out.”

The thought of his former student making him, no, commanding him to do anything was a surprising thrill. A peculiar thrill considering his trepidation about letting someone have any type of power over him but still very exciting. Saren found to his further surprise that he wanted Nihlus to give him direction and knew, that to save face, he could treat it like a game with his lover none the wiser that it was really what he craved.

He fluttered his mandibles suggestively, put one arm behind his head and slowly slid his hand down his abdomen. He stopped just short of his spread plating. “Tell me what you want to see _Castanea._ How should I touch myself; fast or slow?”

The younger man made a sound low in his throat that Saren could only describe as pure lust while crawling up his body on hands and knees. His breath came in quick pants as Nihlus stared down at him, his eyes full of fire and a constant purr coming from his chest. He put off an air of dominance Saren had never felt from him before and it had his heart accelerating to a thunderous pace.

Faces even, Nihlus lowered just his head until there was less than an inch between their noses. Saren breathed out and he breathed in. “Start slow,” He whispered, hesitated for a second and then continued. “Wrap just your fingers around the tip.”

Slowly, Saren slid his hand that last little bit down his groin and, skirting gripping the base like he’d usually did, curled his fingers fully around the head of his cock. Perched over him, Nihlus’ gaze followed his hand attentively.

“Only a touch,” He murmured. “Don’t squeeze just yet.”

He loosened his hold until it was a light meeting of callused flesh against slick.

“Good,” Nihlus said. “Now go all the way down. Keep it slow Saren.”

The appreciation in the younger man’s voice was compelling, the pleased tone itself inspiring him to comply. Saren watched his lover’s face as he slid his hand down, those white-striped mandibles quivered with his breath and even from his lower angle he saw black pupils overtake green irises. It was odd. With anyone else he’d feel caged by the hands beside his head, the knees pressing into the mattress next to his own and the body that hovered a foot above his. But Saren did not feel caged, in fact he wasn’t sure exactly what he felt. Certainly aroused, the skin beneath his plates was hot, his dick hard as steel and his heart was racing. He sort of felt…free as strange as that was but it was the closest thing he could think of.

“That’s good,” Nihlus said and his voice was a husky whisper. “Now go back up, yes, like that…”

Saren followed every breathed direction, from a request that he use only his fingertips and then the one a moment later that he grip his entire length hard enough to hurt. Nihlus never told him to go faster and he never moved from his position above him, he never moved at all. Saren didn’t know how much time had gone by before the need to cum had him thrusting into his own hand, his eyes half closed so he could just barely see Nihlus’ face.

“Shit Saren,” the younger Spectre groaned. “Spirits you’re beautiful like this. Are you close? Tell me you’re close.”

He was, but not enough, he just needed one last thing to push him over the precipice.

“Kiss me.” He mumbled, pulling the other man down with the arm that had been behind his head; he didn’t dare to let go of his cock. Nihlus kissed him hard, at the same time running the flat edge of one talon along his length. It was exactly what he needed and Saren was defeated, muffling his scream of pleasure on his lover’s tongue as his body writhed in the aftermath.

Nihlus ended the kiss slowly but then sprang back on his heels. “Fuck,” He growled though not aggressively. “Give me a sec to undress.”

Saren nodded silently as he tried to catch his breath. Seconds later the younger man was back above him and sealing their mouths together in a passionate kiss. Nihlus didn’t put any room between them this time, lying flat on his chest and wrapping his arms around him. He slid his hands under Saren’s ass to bring their hips together and there was nothing gentle about the move, it was a search for rough but wonderful friction that had him groaning into the younger man’s mouth and digging his talons into his lower back.

The hands under him shifted, one to the back of his knee to pull his leg open and the other found his opening, fingers probed and pressed him then moved away. Pressure on Saren’s waist drew his attention the wetness of his release splattered there and Nihlus’ hand gathering it before going back to his entrance and gently pushing against it.

He gasped but not from the usual rush of panic and irrational fear, but because it felt _good_. He rolled his hips just a bit to encourage the younger man to push against him and gave a pleased moan when a fingertip penetrated him. Nihlus separated from his mouth to nip down the edge of one mandible to his throat, repeating the action in reverse to the other side. The inner caresses progressed like the last time he’d been under Nihlus. One finger became two as the younger man worked him open, paying special attention to that bundle of sweetly sensitive nerves inside.

They had reached the point where Saren always made him stop but that wasn’t what he wanted this time. The fear that had always prevented them from going further was completely gone, replaced with a deep want to be filled and for Nihlus to finally have him like he’d allowed Ieryan to do so many years ago. Saren shifted under the younger man, using his knee to push at him until those fingers slipped out of him and moved back. Nihlus grabbed his hips and pulled at him like he was trying to switch their positions. Saren stiffened his spine to prevent that.

The younger man looked at him in question. “What?” He asked quietly.

“I want you.”

Nihlus’ mandibles twitched into a smile. “You have me, Saren.”

“I want _you_.” He repeated with more emphasis and a pointed look at the thick erection that rested against his inner thigh.

He sucked in a surprised breath. “You…you don’t want me to stop?”

Saren shook his head and reached up to cup one of the man’s mandibles. “Not this time.”

Nihlus kissed him and his harmonics thrummed with gratitude. “Thank the Spirits.”

He held up a hand. “Just one thing first.” Saren took one Nihlus’ hands and guided it behind his head to the amp housed there. “Take this out.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want any biotic accidents with you. Grasp the edges between thumb and forefinger and give it a little tug, it should slip right out.”

There was a mild electric shock as Nihlus gingerly took the nodule as he’d been instructed and pulled. Saren shuddered and moaned as it came loose with a pulling sensation just under his skull and pulses of biotic power travelled the length of his spine in its wake.

“Well done,” He praised. “Just set it on the nightstand.”

“Okay,” The younger man murmured, leaning over him, and his cock slipped against Saren tantalizingly.

He grasped Nihlus’ hips in his palms and pulled the man firmly between his legs, arching his own to encourage the other Spectre. Saren didn’t want to wait, he wanted to jerk Nihlus down and into him, he was eager to finally surrender to his lover. But he paused for a moment when he remembered how many years it had been since he’d last had another man’s cock inside him. Nihlus had readied him with learned expertise but rushing wouldn’t be wise. He wasn’t the same young man that Ieryan had fucked at every opportunity and he knew his body couldn’t take the same sort of treatment it had at nineteen years old.

“Can you-?” Saren was unsure of what to say, he didn’t want Nihlus to think he was being stopped _again_.

The youth again kissed him gently and then rested their foreplates together. “Sh-show me how so I don’t hurt you…”

His nervous tones were endearing, sweet even, and Saren reached between their bodies to grasp him. “You won’t.” He said and his own vocals reflected that belief as he guided Nihlus’ dick into place. “Just…push in in one motion, like…”

A breathy moan tore out of Saren when Nihlus filled him with an effortless roll of his hips. _I can’t believe I was going to let Pollux do this to me. Nihlus is slow and careful and spirits it still hurts._ The younger man wasn’t much longer than the average turian’s length but he was definitely thicker; the Councilor had never made him feel so stretched, so open. It was hard to breathe past the pleasure and stinging burn and Nihlus hadn’t even begun to move yet. _It’s been too long since Ieryan. I’d forgotten how good this feels._

Nihlus’ pleased purr gained sudden intensity as he hilted. “Oh, oh Saren.” The younger man nuzzled the side of his throat. “Spirits you’re so warm and tight… squeezing me…Mmmm, I didn’t know it would feel this good…”

Saren could only breathe, resting his chin on the top of Nihlus’ head as the man started to move within him, the motion of his hips like the ebb and flow of the ocean. Each thrust was slow, measured and the head of his cock hit Saren’s prostate with a repeated but gentle insistence. Nihlus left bites along the arch of his throat, tongued the skin hard, bit and licked and bit again. He moved his hands up by Saren’s head and ran his fingers over his cheekspines then his fringe again and again, slid under it to stroke the thin plating that tracked down the back of his neck.

Eventually Nihlus’ leisurely pace became deliberate. He angled his hips down as he thrust causing Saren’s dick to rub against his unplated waist and then hands were suddenly gripping his ass, pulling him in even tighter. He wrapped around Nihlus; arms around his back and his thighs going over the shelf of the younger man’s hips with surprising comfort, like they were made to be there.

“Saren, oh, Saren,” The younger Spectre moaned into his throat and picked up his pace even more until it was a quick but steady rhythm.

He could feel just how close Nihlus was to completion through the quiver of the muscles in his lower back and the way each thrust went deeper than the last. It wasn’t quite enough to push Saren toward his release but currently his pleasure didn’t matter as much as Nihlus’ did. Again he hit that spot inside that made his nerves light up and spark with biotics despite his absent amp. Saren knew he could let that charge build along with his orgasm and then let it go in a potentially dangerous burst when he finally peaked or he could discharge it harmlessly.

He decided on the second option because Ieryan had always loved it when he released some of that control and he thought Nihlus might too. Saren gathered the energy into his palms; one at the base of his lover’s spine and the other at the top. It was like flipping a switch in his brain, in his nerves, and he let his biotic field flow out of him and into the younger man.

Above him Nihlus snarled a curse and surged into him hard, clutching Saren tightly to his chest as his teeth sank into the skin at the inner part of his cowl, next to his throat. “Spirits…” The younger man whimpered. “I can’t...”

Saren pushed the rest of his field through his palms, making a conscious effort to keep that energy gentle.

“I can’t last any longer,” The younger man lost his easy rhythm and something a little harder, faster built in its place. “Fuck Saren you feel so good, spirits Saren. Oh, _oh_ fuck I’m cumming, I can’t stop it.”

Nihlus slammed himself deep one last time with a sharp gasp of ecstasy. Hands growing impossibly tight on his hips, Saren was held in place as the younger man’s cock jolted and a rush of liquid fire filled him up. Nihlus thrust into him reflexively several times before he finally he grew still and his arms gave out. He ended up collapsed on Saren’s chest, face and teeth buried against the side of his neck.

“I tried to last for you,” He whispered, still breathing heavily as he rose up just enough to meet his eyes.

Saren remained still and quiet underneath him, hands still strategically placed to push that biotic pulse through him. His breath came shallowly while his head spun dizzyingly fast. He could still feel Nihlus inside him; his cock and the sticky fluid of his essence so deep it was all Saren was aware of. Trapped between the unprotected flesh of their waists, his own pulsed with urgent need seemingly unnoticed by his younger lover.

It didn’t stay that way for long as Nihlus lifted up a bit more and began to pull out, stopping when he discovered Saren’s erection. “You didn’t…?”

He shook his head no, still unable to form words. He hadn’t expected Nihlus to last long and wasn’t at all surprised that the use of biotics had hurtled him to orgasm so easily. But then a look came over Nihlus’ face that made him wish he had said something.

“Was it…did I not…satisfy you?”

Saren made a quiet sound of distress and reached out to Nihlus, wrapped his arms around the younger man and pulled him back to his chest. The younger man curled against his side and tucked his head under Saren’s jaw with a soft trill. He tried to think of something to say to reassure his lover, Nihlus was under too much stress already to be suffering from a false fear of inadequacy.

“It’s been a long time since I…” He tried but that seemed wrong. So he went for honesty. “You’ve conquered me Nihlus, it…it was remarkable for someone that’s never done that before and I know you’ll have plenty of opportunities to improve.”

“I don’t…”

He took Nihlus’ chin in his hand and pulled until the man had to meet his eyes. “This was never about my satisfaction.” Saren said firmly but his subtones were the gentlest he’d ever used. “Are _you_ satisfied?”

“Yes…I still want you and I’m still turned on, but yes.”

“Then so am I.”

 

Nihlus hadn’t let him remain unfulfilled. He’d flat-out refused to allow it despite Saren’s protests that his own release was unnecessary but the younger man insisted and eventually he gave in and let him. Afterwards, when he lay there panting, covered in their combined sweat and the smell of sex, he was glad he had. Nihlus got his wish too as shortly after Saren had cum the last time, he passed out with his head on his lover’s shoulder. He’d never had a better or more restful sleep.

The Presidium’s night cycle came to an end a little less than six hours later while Saren slept with his body curled around the younger man, chest to his back and his arms wrapped about his waist. Distantly through that sleep he became aware of loud repetitive beeping and then Nihlus’ tired voice answering with curt harmonics. He’d never liked being woken up at what was essentially dawn on the Citadel.

“Hello?”

_“Spectre Kryik.”_

“What can I do for you Basaef?” His student asked and Saren nuzzled the back of his neck sleepily, wrapping more firmly around him, half alert to the Detective’s holographic image floating up from Nihlus’ omnitool. It registered in the back of his mind that she could probably see him and most of his lover too.

_“You can get your bony turian asses to C-Sec.”_

The younger man sat up suddenly, dislodging Saren’s hold and causing him to wake fully. “Excuse me, Detective?” Nihlus asked lowly, his subvocals clear with reprimand.

 _“Your sensors netted us the errand boy, Spectre.”_ The Detective said. _“She’s willing to talk but we’re gonna keep her on ice ‘til you get here. Hurry it up.”_  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Saren wasn’t sure what he’d expected to see when he entered C-Sec with Nihlus at his side. The past twenty-plus years as a Spectre had shown him a lot and he was fully prepared to be greeted by the visage of a hardened asari criminal with an air of danger and a fathomless darkness in her eyes. The demure slip of a woman on the other side of the interrogation room’s one-way window wasn’t something he’d even given consideration to. Nihlus was just as surprised, the anxious, fidgety energy he’d had since waking dissipated the moment they laid eyes on her. Detective Basaef sat across the table from the woman, her back facing them and her shoulders visually stiff.

Executor Pallin appeared at Saren’s side with his arms crossed firmly over his chest and a low rumble of discontent echoing from his chest. “I should thank you for the use of your _illegal_ surveillance equipment.” He said addressing Nihlus. “C-Sec was alerted the moment she came within a hundred feet of the Embassies. The child she was transporting, a batarian boy, is still alive. He was taken to Huerta Memorial. I understand he’s still in surgery.”

The younger Spectre covertly gave Saren’s hand a tight squeeze, his relief palpable, that he returned. He turned to look through the mostly opaque glass. “Who is she?”

“Lysandri Caderyn,” Pallin told them after glancing down at a data pad. “She’s Co-manager of Lavevi Lila Blossoms in the commons along with her sister.”

Nihlus cursed viciously under his breath. “That’s where Naxos works.” He said. “Is she talking yet?”

“Detective Basaef wanted to wait for the two of you.”

He nodded. “What do we know about her?”

The Executor handed each of them a data pad. “Everything we’ve been able to track down so far is there,” He said. “The sister’s unaccounted for, supposedly vacationing on Thessia but I don’t buy that for a second.”

“Neither do I.” Nihlus agreed.

Saren tuned out the rest of whatever Pallin and the younger Spectre had to say as he turned his full attention to the data pad in his hand. Lysandri Caderyn was one of two children to asari parents that had died centuries before his grandfather had been born. Just as Detective Basaef had speculated, she was firmly in the later end of her matron stage which put her sister- Saren scanned the document for a name- Elisha at the beginning of the matriarch period of the asari lifespan.

The woman’s personal file painted her the average, bland person. There was no past military career or any related training, no mention of a significant other or any close associates that weren’t allied with the restaurant in some way. The restaurant itself was also mentioned in a number of news articles for any multiple of different charities, most of them for the support of the Citadel’s downtrodden. Namely children; the duct-rats. One article Saren read mentioned that the sisters often bartered goods or allowed the younger children to buss tables and sweep floors for a meal. More than a few employees, like Naxos, were former duct rats as well. Lysandri was, for all intents and purposes, a charitable woman, a dedicated businesswoman and sister.

Next to him, Nihlus tossed his data pad aside, a sound of disgust reverberating through his harmonics. “How does a woman like that become so cruel?”

Pallin shrugged. “I stopped being surprised at the depravity of sentient life a long time ago.” The man muttered and reached out to rap his knuckles on the window, signaling the Detective to meet them.

Saren touched his student’s arm to get his attention. The younger man didn’t do a lot of interrogations and he’d never done one in the presence of law enforcement. “Keep your temper and personal opinions to yourself.” He warned.

“You’re not coming in there with me?”

“No.” Nihlus was far more invested in the case than he was and the younger Spectre certainly deserved to see it through to the end.

The other man nodded to show he understood, clapping a hand on his shoulder before turning back to the Executor as Basaef exited the interrogation room. The detective wore an expression of frustrated exasperation, her mouth twisted into a frown and her brows pulled together above her glare.

“Spectres.” She greeted tersely with a nod to each of them, she then turned to Pallin. “Sir, has there been any further word on the boy?”

“Not yet Detective.”

“Goddess protect him.” She said with a sad shake of her head before turning to them. “You guys ready to speak to her?”

Saren nodded. “Spectre Kryik will assist you.”

Basaef gave him a look and he was reminded that she had witnessed them curled around each other when she’d called them earlier. He quickly decided it didn’t matter, she could think whatever she wanted as long as she did her job.

“Let’s get her talking then.”  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+

Lysandri picked at the edges of her nails nervously as she’d been doing every day for months. Meticulously manicured once upon a time, they were now chipped and cracked to the quick in some places. It was a habit she thought she’d rid herself of years and years ago but recently she’d fallen back on the old behavior. There was a reason, a poor one but still a reason; it kept her mind off the atrocities she’d taken part in all for the sake of her sister’s safety. It was an effort that Lysandri later allowed to fail.

Lysandri often wished she hadn’t been so busy with the accounting when the little turian boy with the tiny mandibles and Citadel silver painted across his face had come to Lavevi Lila Blossoms. If she hadn’t been up to her eyeballs in the mess that was allocating funds for the restaurant, she would have spoken to him herself rather than sending him to Elisha. It was something she’d regret for the rest of her life.

She hadn’t shown any resistance when she was suddenly surrounded by C-Sec officers and had multiple guns pointed at her as she carried the barely breathing boy in her arms. Lysandri had simply felt…relief. Finally the madness could end.

Still scraping at her fingernails, she again glanced at what was obviously a window disguised as a smoky mirror and she couldn’t help but wonder just who was standing on the other side.

The lock on the door flashed green and then opened to admit the detective that had put the cuffs on her. The woman reminded Lysandri of her sister as she’d been centuries ago. She mourned the loss of that woman and was constantly worried for the meek, broken one that replaced her. Basaef was confident and strong, poised and graceful.

Immediately on the officer’s heels was a tall turian male with dark russet plating wearing black and red armour. Lysandri could tell he wasn’t C-Sec because he didn’t move or hold himself the same…there was more self-assurance to him. The intricate white pattern on his face was both distinct and familiar and she realized she had seen him before. The previous day, in fact, talking to the kind young man she’d hired a few months ago with another very intimidating turian male.

 _Is he on the other side of the glass?_ Lysandri wondered with no small amount of dread.

Detective Basaef took the seat across from her again, the tall turian looming silently at her side, ignoring the other chair. “Meet Spectre Kryik,” The officer said coolly. “You’ll be answering his questions while I record you.”

The nail she’d been picking at ripped away. “S-Spectre?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and inclined his head. “If you answer my questions truthfully I won’t have you executed on five counts of murder.”

A chill crawled up her spine at his threat. Lysandri had been around long enough to recognize most of the audible tones of turians’ voices to know this one was very angry and only barely bothering to hide it. But even if she hadn’t known how to listen to them, she did know what to look for in their faces. Kryik's mandibles were positioned high and tightly to the line of his jaw, his head angled to keep eye contact and his bright green eyes were hard. Lysandri had met a few Spectres in her long life and she knew he _could_ have her executed if he so chose.

_But wait, he said five counts of murder, that means-_

“Kashtin’s alive?” She knew his name; she knew all their names.

“For now,” The Spectre replied with no lack of menace and the threat was so clear as to remain unspoken. _But when he’s not, you won’t be either._

Relief had Lysandri’s eyes filling with tears and her throat closing on a sob. She hadn’t been too late getting the child away from her sister this time. He was the first she’d been blessed enough to save. “Thank the Goddess,” she whispered. “I-I thought I was too late again.”

One of the turian’s mandibles jerked. “I’ll give you this, your play at remorse is pretty convincing.”

She gaped at him, sputtering as she tried to form words. The Spectre thought she was lying. “It’s not an act!” She cried. “By the time I got to the others they were already dead, Kashtin was barely holding on when I convinced her to let him go.”

“Her?” Detective Basaef asked but her tone gave the impression that she already knew.

Lysandri bit her lip until she tasted blood. _I have to._ She told herself. _I have to turn her in. She’s going to kill them tonight if I don’t stop this. One was too many. I should have stopped her sooner, I should never have helped her._ “…My sister.”

The Spectre uncrossed his arms and took the seat next to Basaef. “Tell me about your sister.” His voice had softened by a millimeter.

She nibbled her lip some more, looking back and forth between them wondering how to articulate that Elisha wasn’t the same kind, loving soul she’d grown up with. To be fair Elisha hadn’t been right for so many centuries, not since the heartbreak of clasping her bondmate to her chest in the middle of a battlefield on the war-torn Quarian homeworld. Her sister had more or less closed down after that and it was only the restaurant and Lysandri’s company that made her smile anymore. But that wasn’t an excuse for all that Elisha had done.

“She…” Lysandri was still unsure what to say. “She needs to be stopped.”

The Detective leaned forward over the table. “Then help us accomplish that Lysandri. I can see how much this whole thing saddens you. I know you brought those kids to the Presidium so they’d be found quickly. I know you didn’t want them to be overlooked.”

“…I didn’t know what else to do…”

“Of course you didn’t,” The other woman soothed.

“She wanted me to throw them away, in the garbage.”

“Why didn’t you?” The Spectre asked.

“Because they weren’t garbage!”

“If you had, we may not have caught you at all.” He told her and his tone had dropped back into that coldly indifferent register. “You could have tossed them out an airlock and C-Sec never would have known.”

“No, no I couldn’t have done that.” Lysandri said, the tears that had built earlier began to fall freely. “No matter what Elisha said I should do I could never have just thrown them away.” She turned to face the detective. “I knew if I brought them onto the Presidium that they’d be found and their b-bodies taken care of.

It had made so much sense at the time, leaving little Alcetas where she had. His good manners and meticulous striping at such a young age had alerted her that he wasn’t an orphan, but a runaway with a family that loved and would miss him. She hadn’t been able to leave him in some trash bin knowing that his parents would never know what happened to him, that they would always look for their son. Lysandri couldn’t image that kind of pain, couldn’t conceive of intentionally putting someone through that pain. She knew that taking him to the hospital would be close to pointless, he was already _gone_ and would only be lost to the chaos of a busy hospital, that it could be days until he was identified. So she had gently wrapped the tiny turian boy in a blanket and taken him to the Embassies knowing that he’d be found at the start of the day cycle. And hoping he’d be returned to his family.

When her sister had killed the second boy, Lysandri took him to the Embassies too. And she did the same with the next child and the next. It didn’t lift away the burden of grief from her soul but at least she hadn’t let them be brushed aside as her sister had wanted.

“Start at the beginning.” The Spectre said. “Leave nothing out.”

“T-there are some things I d-don’t know,” She stammered. “I don’t know _why_ and I’m not sure _how_.”

Spectre Kryik crossed his hands on the table’s surface but remained quiet, waiting for her to begin her story. Lysandri told him everything she knew, how it had all started with Alcetas bringing them what he thought were old credit chits but were actually something far, far more valuable. Elisha had told her bits and pieces, she’d yet to get the full picture other than the little boy had found a cache of Prothean artifacts deep in the bowels of the Citadel. And that whatever he’d found had somehow bonded to him, allowing him to read Prothean script.

Elisha had shared the ability with her once she’d pulled it from the boy’s head, of course if she’d known that was the process in which she’d kill him, Lysandri would have refused….But it was what had allowed her to speak to the Keepers, to order them to take those little bodies closer to the Embassies than she dared to go. It was what had allowed them to be found.

“She didn’t mean to kill him.” She said. “She…just wanted to pull that ability out so that she could understand the things he brought to her. I think he thought if he shared everything with her that he could take better care of the others and he’d found so much…”

 _Rooms_ full of priceless materials and things about the Citadel no one had ever known before, Elisha told her later. The turian boy had taken her sister through the few ducts that were big enough for an adult and led her to the seven other children that had made a home among the newly found treasures.

“One of the older boys, Jeremiah, had given pieces of a larger artifact to each of the kids and told them to hide it, for insurance, I think.” Lysandri explained. “I don’t know what it is, only that Elisha wanted it. She had to…”

She didn’t know how to describe her sister’s obsession with that particular antiquated treasure. Lysandri was nearly certain her search for the pieces- and her method of searching- had driven her sister to madness.

The Spectre gestured for her to keep going.

“She _looked_ into their heads but something she did…I don’t know how it happened…”

“What do you think happened then?” He asked and she recognized the coaxing in his vocals.

“I think she…dug too deep and broke things.” She looked at Detective Basaef, searching her face for some indication of comprehension, and then back to the Spectre. “When we meld with someone, when it’s not sexual, when it’s to help with-with mental illness for instance, we brush along the nervous system. We do not delve into it because it’s not the same thing as melding to procreate. It’s a…shallow connection, at least, when used that way it’s supposed to be.”

Spectre Kryik’s mandibles quivered and pulled back to his face; he spoke clipped words. “Does it hurt? Melding that way?”

Lysandri didn’t want to answer him, not when she clearly remembered Kashtin’s terrified and pained scream. _Elisha’s gone too far too many times._ She reasoned again. _I have to put a stop to this even if she never forgives me._ “Sometimes.” She said finally.

“This time?” Spectre Kryik pressed.

“Yes.”

He made a distressed noise in the back of his throat that was just barely in her hearing range and he scarcely managed to suppress it. She realized then that he genuinely cared, that it wasn’t just a case to him. “Tell me how to find her.”

_…I’m not sure I can forgive her._

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Saren watched and listened to the interrogation -if it could be called that- through the comm system Executor Pallin had activated the moment the two had entered the room. Frankly he wasn’t surprised at the lengths the woman had gone through to protect her sister, regardless of if the murders were through intention or accident. What did surprise him was that after all the efforts she'd gone through: the Keepers, the work with the cameras, she was confessing so readily now. His students’ threat of execution had been idle, at most she could be charged with accessory to murder along with aiding and abetting. At worst… unlawful disposure of a sapient being’s remains and tampering with the Citadel’s surveillance systems.

He allowed himself a glance at Pallin and amended that. The head of C-Sec wasn’t going to allow anything short of a life sentence, preferably extradited to Thessia. That was if Saren allowed him to have a say in her punishment.

Movement out the corner of his eye alerted him to the matron snagging one of Nihlus' hands in hers as he stood. Saren’s own protective instinct roared in his head. His hands tightened into fists without his notice.

 _“I know what she’s done is wrong and I know what I did to help her is just as wrong if not more so, but please_ please _don’t kill her if you don’t have to.”_

 _“…That depends on her actions when we find her.”_ Nihlus said noncommittally and it was the only answer he could give.

A moment later he and the detective joined them again and Saren received a guarded look from his student. The younger Spectre was disturbed by what he’d learned and wanted to talk about it but now really wasn’t an appropriate time. Were it not for Pallin, Saren would have soothed his protégé subvocally but it wasn’t wise to broadcast Nihlus’ unease. In lieu of a verbal or physical reply Saren simply returned the other man’s look.

“I’m sure you were listening in,” He began. “So let’s skip the recap and just get started on a plan of attack.”

“I’ll assign some officers to go into the tunnels with you.” Pallin directed at Basaef.

“No,” She and Saren said simultaneously.

“We’re dealing with a matriarch,” He let her continue, curious to see if she’d come to the same conclusion he had. “A smaller team consisting of myself, another officer and the Spectres would have a better chance of getting through undetected. I’m an adequate field medic but of course I’ll need paramedics and a back-up unit on standby.”

The Executor nodded and activated his omnitool. “Consider it done. What else?”

“A set of up-to-date schematics of the Keeper tunnels.” Nihlus added.

“I can fill in what Skylar showed me when she took me into the larger tunnels and Caderyn will highlight the path we’ll need to take to get to those kids.”  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
While Saren and Nihlus both tended toward the lighter grade stealth armour, even with that they were still too bulky to fit in the tunnels and have a decent range of movement. Losing the armor would remove a lot of mass but quite a bit in the way of protection as well. Luckily the other officer Basaef roped into helping them, a human male the same height as Nihlus but much slimmer, had a solution for that. He’d gathered together a dozen shield generators and cannibalized them until they each had a layer of kinetic defense despite the lack of actual armour.

The human had tossed the jerry-rigged shield at Saren with the warning of: “They’ll protect you in a pinch but go easy on ‘em, they ain’t Spectre grade.”

He’d huffed at that but nevertheless attached the monstrosity to his belt just above the slot for his pistol at his thigh but far enough back that his hand wouldn’t catch on it when he had to draw the Brawler. If Lysandri could be believed and Saren wasn’t sure about that, they wouldn’t face much if any opposition. But then, Elisha was a former elite commando in a class all her own so even if she was only armed with a pistol as well she was still going to give them one hell of a fight. Of course that was without taking into account her biotics and while he and Basaef were both proficient biotics, they weren’t much of a challenge for the matriarch.

Retrieving the last two children from the original group of eight was the priority as Nihlus had made perfectly clear before they’d even stepped into the tunnels. Killing Elisha was secondary but still very much part of the plan. Basaef and her human counterpart were unaware of that aspect. Saren didn’t want to deal with the inevitable moral conflict that would arise between himself, Nihlus and the C-Sec agents until after the matriarch was in a body bag. No matter how ambiguous the wording, Councilor Tevos had given him the kill order and the will of the Council would be done to the best of his ability.

Once they’d made it through the more claustrophobic passages and into the larger corridors, following the path Basaef had set for them was easy despite the winding and convoluted walkways. Saren could see why the area had never been found before or travelled to its completion. She led the way with her omnitool doubling as a flashlight and the human followed as his drone documented every nuance of the current tunnel. Nihlus stalked after them, his pistol held perhaps a little too tightly. Saren came last, his steps even and sure as he turned his head to take in every detail, his senses straining to catch every sound.

They weren’t even that far in, at least, he didn’t think they were but already he’d seen architecture like nowhere else on the Citadel. The walls were severely arched and the ceiling was surprisingly vaulted, its angles heavy with shadows. It made Saren think of the bones of some large extinct creature and filled his stomach with a sense of unease that bordered on genuine foreboding. There were long ominous shadows everywhere and the glow of Basaef’s omnitool just added an unnerving overtone of orange. From time to time a shadow shifted and moved. He followed each movement with his eyes and wondered if he should be reassured by the knowledge that it was just the Keepers scuttling about their work.

The floor was crisscrossed with large tubing, Saren couldn’t guess their purpose but he was mindful about stepping over them. The four of them were silent, resorting to the standard C-Sec hand signals when direction was needed. It wasn’t long before they’d reached the area where the children were supposed to be located. Basaef signaled that they wait and then, a few minutes later, that they fan out along the perimeter to cover all their bases. It was the human that found them and gave a sharply pitched whistle to get everyone’s attention as he attempted to move aside a downed sheet of metal that looked like it had simply dropped from the ceiling. Nihlus was at the man’s side in a single second, kneeling to assist him and Saren heard his undisguised chirrup of relief as the children were revealed.

Two girls; the human supremely pale and frail looking was crouched protectively in front of the smaller, sickly looking turian with plating a shade or two darker than Saren’s own. The human girl bared her teeth aggressively, making as much of a growling noise as her species could. But when Detective Basaef appeared behind her counterpart with her gun drawn, the girl shrank back and went deathly pale. The little turian behind her curled into a ball with a warbling whimper.

“Please! We’ll just show you! Don’t hurt us! Please!” The child screeched with an absolutely terrified voice that pulled at something unfamiliar in Saren’s chest.

“Shhh sweetheart,” The man said quietly in a voice much softer than what he’d used the few times he had spoken to them. “It’s ok now, you’re safe. We’re with C-Sec. I’m Ty and that’s my partner Amala. Those two are Spectres, Kryik and Arterius. What’re your names?”

To her credit the human girl seemed doubtful of him but Ty persisted, holding out one hand and patiently waiting for her to reach to him. It was something Saren wouldn’t have done to be honest, he would have just grabbed a child under each arm and taken them kicking and screaming to safety, if it were necessary. Nihlus had been correct in his claim that he held no lost love for children of any species on the whole but he could see how the human’s approach was working. A handful of seconds passed.

“I’m Marie.” The girl said quietly, took his hand and let the man lift her out of the hiding place. “That’s Osha. She’s really scared.”

“Ok, ok. You don’t need to be scared anymore, honey.” Ty stepped back from the opening, carrying Marie easily. “Come on out now.”

But Osha curled in on herself tighter, trying to appear as small as possible and continued with that mournful noise. Nihlus got down on his knees and scooped her easily into his arms, pulling her close and letting her feel the thrum of his harmonics. For turian children there was nothing more soothing. Saren watched him for a moment, studied the way he calmed the child. He’d always known Nihlus had a soft side, another facet to his personality that would be better suited outside the life of a soldier but he’d never witnessed it to that extent. He hummed a dozen different platitudes to the little girl, assuring her of her safety in several ways before he finally handed her to Basaef.

“Get them out of the tunnels.” Saren ordered, already turning to continue the search.

“And just leave the two of you?” The detective questioned as she settled Osha on her hip and directed the girl’s head to her shoulder.

“They need medical attention. And we’re Spectres.” Nihlus reminded her dryly. “We can handle this on our own.”

Ty shifted the smaller human in his arms and brandished his omnitool, typing with an economical efficiency. Both of their ‘tools activated in response. “There. Back up unit has your position. Good luck gentlemen.”

When Basaef and Ty were out of sight, Nihlus attacked him. He kissed Saren hard, assaulted the inside of his mouth with his tongue and then it was over just as quickly as it’d begun.

“We did it.” The younger Spectre whispered happily and let his foreplate rest against his heavily.

Saren hummed an affirmative. “We still have work to do…” He reminded.

Nihlus stepped back and nodded. “Enough fucking around,” He snarled with sudden intensity. “Let’s find her.”

 

Finding the two girls in a relatively unharmed state had rejuvenated Nihlus and put the spark of defiance back in his eyes. His student was a dangerous opponent to face when he was focused like that. When Saren had first begun training the younger man, he’d considered that single-minded brand of intensity a…problematic trait and potentially a character flaw. It didn’t allow for the adaptability that Spectres needed to acclimate to every type of situation. But he’d later learned that as long as Nihlus didn’t succumb to his anger, he could balance himself perfectly.

 _Bearing in mind how deeply this assignment has disturbed him, I can’t say I have much confidence in that._ Saren thought wryly as he followed the younger man deeper into the tunnels and past a number of oddly shaped archways.

The further they went, the more uncomfortable Saren found himself feeling. It wasn’t anything he could identify, just an air of… something not right. He looked a little longer at their surroundings while Nihlus checked their map.

 _What is it about this place?_ He wondered again as shadows shortened and lengthened with the movements of the Keepers. _Why does it feel so wrong? So…oppressing._

“We’re almost there,” Nihlus muttered and if he were feeling the same he didn’t show it. “Another three hundred yards and then a left.”

Saren didn’t respond, still watching the shadows and trying to pinpoint what it was that made him feel so apprehensive. He wasn’t one to be spooked by anything, and certainly not by _architecture_ but instinct had him on his guard. Out of habit he checked the readout on his pistol and reached behind his head to test the placement of his bio-amp. Both were fine. Maybe he was just being paranoid.

He snorted to himself; paranoia had kept him alive and he wouldn’t discount it now. Lysandri had informed them that her sister had not left the tunnels. The matriarch had no idea the other children had been found and she had no reason to think she’d be stopped. But still, Saren knew better than to think everything would progress smoothly.

The passage came to an abrupt end, opening on a cavernous room where both their attentions were instantaneously captured by the massive drive core at its center. Calling the thing enormous was a severe understatement; Saren had never seen one so huge or so unique. It vaguely resembled the eezo core of a Mass Relay but there were several key differences. The core itself was unprotected by the usual shell of metal and if it hadn’t been for the swirling blue of energy he would’ve been sure he was looking at a black hole. There were sprinklings of other colors- yellows, reds and violets, there one second and gone the next as the core shifted open and collapsed in on itself. It threw off its own light and like the shifting colors, that light rotated between dim and blinding.

Saren would never admit it, but the thing took his breath away. Next to him, Nihlus had raised his pistol completely unaffected by the sight as he finally spotted her, prompting him to do the same. Their quarry stood at the end of a balcony like extension, her face illuminated by the core’s glow. Elisha looked nothing like her sister. Her features were harsher and drawn, almost gaunt, her lips cracked and stretched into a thin line. She was pale and practically pasty with only a hint of the common blue of asari skin.

 _She looks dead._ Saren thought absently. There were dark circles underneath pitch-black eyes that looked like bruises. He sincerely hoped some of the kids had managed a few good hits.

The woman was dressed deceptively elegant in a black gown with gilded accents and a shawl that had the same floral pattern. The was a puddle of golden fabric at her feet that Saren knew would impede her movement, making it near to impossible to run from them. He smiled at that and gestured to Nihlus to take the shot.

But she spoke before he could pull the trigger. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

Nihlus sent Saren a look, eyes narrowed to slits. “It’s a drive core,” He said contemptuously.

“Oh it’s so much more than that.” The matriarch turned and started toward them slowly, waving one hand behind her. “It’s the control counsel for the Citadel.”

The younger Spectre cocked his head to the side and then burst out into raucous laughter. “You’re seriously telling me that all this- five dead kids and two that are completely traumatized- is for a _fucking steering wheel?!_ ”

The asari bristled. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand, turian.” She looked between the both of them, her lips thinning and showing the points of teeth in a facsimile of a smile. “Your kind wouldn’t know beauty if it shot you in the face. You’re species is nothing but glorified warmongers; every single one of you.”

Nihlus shrugged one shoulder. “You are what you are.”

His gun barked at the same time Elisha summoned a shockwave. Saren dove to one side to avoid it and fell back into the mouth of the tunnel, crouching low while he pulled his own shockwave into his palm. He could hear Nihlus shooting somewhere further in the room. Staying low and leaning around the frame of the archway, he spotted the matriarch with her back to him and readying a singularity to unleash on his student. He didn’t think that rigged shield could handle such a strike.

“You’re a child killer,” Nihlus snarled at her and rapidly fired shot after shot but her barrier had them bouncing off. “It doesn’t get much lower than you.”

Saren let go of the energy in his hand and she turned her focus to him, ignoring his protégé for the moment and threw the attack at him instead. He rocked back on his heels into cover and the singularity hit the wall just to the side of him with a deafening roar. He waited for the buzz in his skull to subside before he angled himself to take another shot; it zinged off that barrier uselessly. Saren hissed under his breath and pulled forward a warp in an attempt to put a dent in the thing if not make it fail completely.

Across the room on the other side of that void under the core, Nihlus had ducked out of sight but Saren could still clearly hear him.

“We were ordered to kill you!” The younger man yelled to the matriarch. “By your own Councilor!”

Another shockwave ripped across that gap followed by a volley of gunshots. In Saren’s opinion, Nihlus had more than earned the right to have the killing shot if only for the closure that would come with taking it. That barrier needed to come down first though and he didn’t think it would be easy. He’d need to distract her from using biotics against Nihlus. The other man could probably handle a few direct hits…if he were wearing his armour. And with that pathetic excuse of a shield as his only defense getting the matriarch to divide her attacks between the both of them would be paramount.

It was a tactic they’d used before and they fell into that pattern effortlessly. Saren let loose one biotic assault after another and when he took to cover again to catch his breath, the younger Spectre would leave his to shoot. Usually it was a flawless method but Nihlus had let that anger take hold of him and his shots were flying wide. He was usually a silent, focused fighter but that wasn’t the case now.

“Why?!” He yelled. “What could possibly be so valuable that you’d tear into five kids’ head and then tell your sister to throw them away?”

Elisha snarled about how a _turian_ could never understand again as Saren got in a shot while Nihlus was waiting for the overheat gauge on his gun to go down. “They left us a map in the stars to the Citadel. These gifts were for us! You don’t deserve to even look upon them!”

“They?”

Saren unleashed a warp at the same time the younger Spectre popped out of cover to shoot at her back. The barrier wavered but did not fall.

“The Protheans!” She screamed, nearly shaking with her rage. “All I need is the last two pieces of the control panel. I can return the Citadel to asari space where it can stand proudly alongside Thessia! Those _mongrels_ had no idea what they’d stumbled on, they wanted to sell it for food and I couldn’t allow that.”

Saren abruptly realized that the only way they’d be able to take that barrier down was to shoot at it from the same angle and to maybe hit the same spot over and over. Crouching low, he glanced at the map displayed on his omnitool and discovered that he could double back through the tunnel and come out next to his student. Jumping up, he tossed out a stasis field to keep Elisha occupied while he dashed down the passage at a dead run. He could hear Nihlus cursing and snarling.

“They were _children_! Children you killed for-for asari superiority?!”

The stasis field collapsed with a static pop. “Yes!” Elisha screamed back at him. “We were the _first!_ They _chose us!_ ”

The younger Spectre left his cover and took a few wild shots at the same time Saren skidded to a stop next to him. “Do you fucking hear yourself? You sound insane!”

“It’s not insanity! It’s asari destiny!”

Nihlus dropped down next to him, let his gun cool and grinned at Saren. “Utterly insane.” He muttered with harmonics that said despite everything, despite the reason for being here, his protégé was having fun.

They stood at the same time, the younger Spectre firing rapidly but accurately while Saren summoned more biotic energy into his hand and let it loose with a grunt of exertion. His new amp was beginning to grow hot, the back of his neck starting to tingle with built up static, he did the smart thing and went back into cover. Standing above him, Nihlus continued to shoot until his gun screamed and hissed; overheated yet again. His attention was diverted for just a second when he glanced down at the gauge but that second was all the matriarch needed.

Saren saw it out the corner of his eye as swirling blue slammed into Nihlus’ chest and sent him sprawling onto the ground. He experienced a blinding moment of pure fury with some potent tendrils of panic and then the younger man rolled to his knees.

“Took out my shield.” Nihlus said reassuringly as he leaned back against their half wall of cover. “I’m good, just got the wind knocked out of me.”

Saren calmed, compartmentalized the wash of emotion he felt for the other man and resumed his own attack, this time with his own pistol. The amp would need a few minutes to calm before he could use his biotics again. Precisely seven shots later, Elisha’s barrier failed and his eighth shot struck her shoulder and sent her spinning.

Nihlus was back on his feet by then, mandibles spread wide in a triumphant smile. “This’ll be satisfying,” He muttered out the side of his mouth and lifted his gun, taking a moment to aim. Nihlus always preferred a clean kill if he could manage it.

He didn’t see the way Elisha positioned her hands and even if he did, there was no way the younger Spectre would even know what it meant. Saren _knew_ that mnemonic, had used it himself, so he knew what it could do. He knew it would hit Nihlus before the man could squeeze his trigger. He knew, with the younger man’s depleted shields, it would rip him to shreds.

Saren knew one thing above all others; he wasn’t going to let that happen. He would die before he let that happen. He slammed his foot into Nihlus’ ankle and the younger man crashed to the ground with a surprised yelp. Saren was aware of how painful that had been but if it saved his life, then it was worth it. The destructive field soared over the other Spectre’s head. Saren did his best to doge and even managed to throw himself to the right and half shield Nihlus with his body, but it wasn’t enough.

It was the absence of pain that clued him in on how bad it was. Then again, shock explained the blue eyes that gazed sadly down into his own. They were the same shade of icy blue that was reflected back at him every time he looked into a mirror. They weren’t just the eyes of the Arterius clan, they were Desolas’ eyes.

“Brother mine,” His voice was the same low mellifluous rumble that had kept Saren calm as a child.

“Saren?” Nihlus’ voice called from far away, his brain registered, high-pitched and panicked. “Saren!”

He couldn’t speak, there was a crushing weight on the left side of his chest and it was steadily getting more difficult to breathe as well. He found he could move his head and he turned it to the side. There was his brother, exactly as he remembered him. The older man was almost an exact mirror image of Saren but for the dark blue of their family’s clan markings drawn over his eyes, cheeks and chin. He was dressed in the long blood-blue cloak of the Valluvian Priests that had cost him his life.

 _That’s right,_ Saren thought hazily. _Desolas died._

He realized he had to be witnessing a spirit, as impossible as that seemed. It sure explained how Nihlus was able to step through him even though he looked solid enough and how the other man didn’t seem to see him at all.

“It’s time to go.”

Fingers found the side of his neck, slipped on the skin, stayed. Nihlus was looking for his pulse. “Saren,” The younger man said, harmonics drowned by something he didn’t know. “Shit. Come on, look at me.”

Desolas knelt by his head, still looking down into his eyes. “I’ve been waiting brother; it’s time to go home.”

Saren swallowed thickly, the sound drawing Nihlus’ attention and he gently cupped his face. “…Don’t…” He swallowed again, the words getting stuck. It felt like he was gurgling glass but he wouldn’t stop. “…Want…to…leave…”

“Shhh, shhh. Just keep looking at me, don’t close your eyes, keep looking at me, please.”

His brother had moved, standing over Nihlus’ shoulder as his lover spoke to him in that tone he didn’t recognize. “It gets worse the longer you linger.” Desolas told him gently. “Please Saren, I don’t want you to suffer anymore.”

Nihlus was speaking frantically into his omnitool and while for some reason he couldn’t hear the exact words, he knew the other man was calling for help, maybe even trying to find out where the fuck their back-up was. Saren tried to reach to him, to touch him in some way to let his lover know he was still aware of him but he couldn’t make any of his limbs move.

“Brother.” Spoken firmly this time.

“…Don’t make me leave,” He whispered, there was one thing he’d never managed to accomplish, one very important thing. “I can’t leave.”

“Leave?” He knew that tone and it wasn’t something he’d heard from Nihlus often; fear. “No, no. No-one’s making you leave, _I’m_ not leaving either Saren.”

Desolas gave a long sigh and touched Saren’s shoulder. Pain exploded outward from beneath his brother’s hand and the only reason he didn’t scream was because he couldn’t find the air to do so. Above him, Nihlus made a high sound of misery and smoothed his hands over his fringe, murmuring more calming words regardless of the lack of composure in his voice.

“You’re dying brother,” Desolas said sadly. “Let me take you home.”

Saren blinked. _Dying? No, that hit just broke something, maybe my ribs or dislocated my shoulder….She didn’t hit me that hard, I’m fine…Spirits she’s still here!_

He tried to sit up, Nihlus was distracted and that gave Elisha a perfect opportunity to hurt him. The pain in his upper chest intensified, infected his skull and throttled his spine. He was suddenly so lightheaded and dizzy he thought he’d vomit or pass out. Nihlus’ arms wrapped around him and urged him back down with the utmost care.

“Elisha…?” It was all he managed, his throat now tight with all the pain and nausea.

“She’s gone,” The younger Spectre told him. “It doesn’t matter. Focus on me ok? Just keep looking at me.”

_She got away…Nihlus let her get away…_

The edges of his vision were growing dim and blurry but he could still see Desolas kneeling next to his protégé, mandibles tight to his jaw and the tips fluttering with emotion. There was less than an inch of space between his brother and Nihlus, their shoulders were touching but the younger man still didn’t seem to be aware of him.

“You don’t have very long Saren.” Desolas said and then he reached down and ran his hand over his brow the same way he’d done when they were young. When they’d learned he was biotic and he’d been so afraid and Desolas was his only anchor. “Please let go.”

“No.”

“You don’t want to know what will happen if you stay.”

Nihlus leaned over him and touched their foreplates together for just a moment before moving back, a thrum of unease coming from his throat. “Hold on Saren, please, back up is almost here, please hold on just a little longer.”

“I won’t leave,” Saren said but his voice was getting weaker.

“Brother,” Desolas said harshly and his famous temper was beginning to show.

“I won’t leave him.”

“Who, Saren? You won’t leave who?” Nihlus’ hands were trembling as he held him.

The… ghost of his brother gave the younger Spectre a long look, really studied him, and seemed to be taking his measure before he looked back at Saren. He smiled. “I see.”

He blinked and Desolas was gone, no trace of him remained. Some of the pain in his chest diminished, though not by a lot and he found he could breathe a little easier. Saren didn’t know if the retreating of some of the pain was a bad sign or not, though he reasoned it probably was. He had the nagging suspicion that his brother’s ghost hadn’t lied. Saren didn’t believe it and in moments he was able to convince himself that he’d hallucinated the apparition, that it was chemicals in his brain trying to mask the pain. But…

 _What if he wasn’t a hallucination?_ Saren wondered morosely and with a bit of fear. _I haven’t told Nihlus. I can’t leave things like this, I’m not going to die without him knowing. I have to be reasonable; this could be my last chance._

Somehow through sheer force of his will, Saren grasped one of the younger Spectre’s hands with his own. His sense of self tilted and he suddenly felt like the floor had dropped out from under him and he was falling. He squeezed the other man’s hand as tightly as he could.

“Nihlus…” It was barely more than a whisper but a rushing sound had started in his head and it was getting louder and louder. “I lo-”

This time when he couldn’t get the words out it wasn’t because they’d gotten stuck and congealed in his throat. Saren’s vision went utterly black and all sound disappeared.  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
Turians didn’t swim, _couldn’t_ swim. It was an impossibility for a species that came from a planet with high radiation that pretty much eliminated body-fat. A key thing needed for the buoyancy of swimming. As such, it took Saren a long time to figure out that he was floating, surrounded on all sides by warmth. It was comfortable, he’d never felt more content.

No, that wasn’t right. Sleeping next to Nihlus or watching over the younger man while he slept was much better than this. Saren stretched his arms out, searching for his lover but found only air. He shifted in…whatever it was that supported him and turned his head. It was then he realized he couldn’t see anything. Everything was so dark it was tangible; there was a density to the air that he didn’t like at all.

 _I don’t want to be here._ He thought, wondering just where ‘here’ was, it didn’t feel or smell like any place he knew. Saren began to grow afraid when he realized he was wrong. It felt like the tunnels he and his protégé had travelled in their search for those children and their killer. _I don’t want to be here._

Was Nihlus here too? Saren hoped not but again he shifted, tried to look around. Tried to move, to stand up, to get away. “Nihlus?” He called, fully aware of the desperation in his harmonics. “Nihlus? Nihlus!”

Saren thrashed around until he was free.

+_-_-_-_-_+  
  
“…hear me? I’m going to count down from five and you’re going to wake up. Five, four, three, two, one.”

Saren’s eyes fluttered open and then snapped closed again from the assault of bright lighting.

“There you are,” The voice was vaguely familiar and annoyingly cheerful. “Hi Saren, I know the lights are far too bright but I need you to try to open your eyes and look at me.”

He opened his eyes again but slowly. Everything was blurry and bright but he resisted closing them, trying instead to get a look at his surroundings. Saren couldn’t see much, what he did see were just vague shapes and the silhouette of a figure standing to the side of him. He felt his mandibles drop in a frown; the last thing he remembered was falling to the ground and Nihlus kneeling over him.

A hand gently rested atop his forehead and another appeared a few inches above his face. “You probably can’t see very well yet- a side effect of the sedative that should wear off very shortly- but I need you to try and follow my finger without moving your head. Can you do that for me?”

Slowly, by millimeters, Saren’s sight cleared and he did as the man, obviously his doctor, had asked.

“Excellent.” The doctor said, pleased as he removed his hands. “Can you see me yet?”

Things cleared even further and he finally realized why the doctor’s voice was familiar. The man standing over him was tall with broad shoulders, his plates and flesh muted shades of gold and the colonial tattoos on his face resembled a skull inked in blue. Saren had met the man a total of two times but he’d never forgotten him, never forgotten what he’d nearly allowed the man do to him.

 _I’m in hell._ He thought panicked; the monitor next to the bed went wild with beeps before Pollux shut the sound off. _I did die and I’m in hell._

“Yeah, you can see me. Try to calm down, take slow deep breaths Saren, slow deep breaths.”

It was an effort, but he did accomplish it. Gradually, his muscles un-tensed and his heart slowed to a normal pace.

“There you go, much better.” Pollux turned away for a moment to pull a chair closer to his bedside before sitting down and leaning forward over his knees. “Do you know where you are or what happened to you?”

Saren stared at him silently, thinking of hands that had gripped too tightly and teeth that had cut so deeply if it hadn’t been for Ieryan forcing medigel on him it would have scarred.

The other man sighed. “Alright,” He said. “I can certainly understand your reluctance in talking to me after what happened. No matter what occurred between us, whatever hurt feelings or bruised egos remain, you are _safe_ when you’re on my operating table Saren.”

He continued to glare at Pollux.

“You don’t have to believe me but our first encounter was so aggressive that when you said you wanted to be topped I assumed you were a sub. It was a huge misunderstanding on my part and I’m sorry for that. I know I should have been more clear with what I wanted, but in all fairness, so should’ve you.”

“Why didn’t you just explain yourself later?” He asked and his voice was hoarse with disuse, his tongue thick and clumsy, leading him to wonder how long he’d been sedated.

The other man gave a short laugh. “Are you kidding?” He asked. “You were beyond pissed off. My momma always said to never mess with an angry biotic so I didn’t. After that, well, I figured we’d never see each other again and I didn’t see the point in risking my life just to say I was sorry. This here?” He gestured to the room. “Luck of the draw. I happened to be the surgeon on call when you were brought in.”

While Saren was still a bit doubtful, he didn’t hear any hint of dishonesty in the man’s vocals. “Apology accepted.” He said after a few moments and his throat was itchy, causing him to cough.

“Here,”

The bed he lay on shifted and sat him up, allowing him to drink the water from the cup Pollux held to his mouth. Saren drank all of it, his achy throat soothed at last. The other man filled the cup again and they repeated the process, he hadn’t realized how thirsty he was until the doctor refused to fill the cup for a third time.

“In due time Saren, once that sedative is the rest of the way out of your system.” Pollux explained and took his seat again. “By now you’ve figured out you’re in a hospital and that you’ve been here a while, but I doubt you know how long. Do you remember what happened? How you were injured?”

Saren nodded but didn’t elaborate. Spectre business was classified even if it ended with an agent in the hospital.

“Good. I won’t sugarcoat it Saren, you were hurt very badly. The entirety of the left half of your rib caged was shattered, same with your collar bone and arm on that side. One of your lungs was pierced and it collapsed, there was a lot of internal bleeding as well. You’ve had several major surgeries to repair the damage over the span of…” He hesitated. “Quite some time. You’ve been in a medical coma for three months. It was necessary for your recovery. You were not easy to fix. Frankly, you’re lucky to be alive right now.”

Saren took the information in, he’d been injured badly a number of times but never to the point where he had kept in a state of unconsciousness. “What was done?” He asked, genuinely curious, he didn’t _feel_ any different after all.

“You received a bone weave to strengthen your ribs; the joints in your arm had to be replaced with cybernetics. In fact most of the left side of your torso is cybernetic now. You took to the procedure extremely well but you’re still going to need physical therapy. I can recommend you to someone for that.”

He nodded. “Just send the relevant information to my omnitool.”

“Sure.” Pollux stood and moved that chair back to its original spot against the wall. “The anesthetic will be wearing off soon so I suggest you take your pain meds preemptively and get some rest.”

“I will,” He said. “But first I need to speak with Spectre Kryik.”

The gold-plated turian looked at him in confusion.

“My protégé, probably the man that had me brought to the hospital.” Saren clarified.

“Ah. He wasn’t listed as an emergency contact. We did notify that person before we woke you.”

“Who did I have listed?” Spirits, he’d filled than thing out so many years ago, probably when he first came to the Citadel, he wasn’t sure what names he would have put.

“Someone named Ieryan Sparatus.” Pollux told him as he headed toward the door. “He said he’d be here in a few hours, plenty of time for you to rest Saren.”

 

When he woke again it was to the feeling of a hand gently petting the length of his fringe. Starting just behind the tip of his foreplate and following the spines all the way to their end before repeating. Saren angled his head into that touch with a soft purr of content before finally opening his eyes. A dark face with elaborate white striping greeted him. He still couldn’t move without the flashes of agony and currently, until he began the physical therapy, his left arm was close to useless. He flared his mandibles into a smile for lack of any other way to show his appreciation for the tender care.

“Nihlus,” Saren murmured and his voice still sounded hoarse and toneless to his ears.

“Sorry,” The man petting him joked lightly. “You’ll have to make do with me.”

He’d known the Councilor was coming but he certainly hadn’t expected the man to _comfort_ him in such a way as the familiar touch –a lover’s touch- on his fringe. Things had been different between them since they’d reconciled shortly before Saren had begun dating Nihlus and he was surprisingly grateful for that. He supposed he ought to thank Pollux for their newfound closeness and rekindled friendship; after all it was because of that disaster that he’d sought out the much older man.

“Ieryan,” He said with sincere warmth. “You’re here...”

The Councilor had not stopped the movement of his hand but it did slow and a little more pressure was added. “You scared the absolute shit out of me _Telum_.”

He hadn’t been addressed that way in so long; Ieryan’s pet name for his thorny personality. “…I’m sorry,” Saren said after a minute and he meant it. His only thought had been to save Nihlus, he hadn’t thought about himself or anyone else.

Ieryan gave him a strained, tired smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Just a little pain now and then, I’m not feeling too much else to be honest.” But that wasn’t exactly true; he was confused. Where was Nihlus? Why was Ieryan at his side? Had he _really_ seen Desolas while he’d lain on the ground struggling to breathe?

“Anything else? Are you dizzy or lightheaded?”

Saren shook his head. “What about the children?” He asked, suddenly remembering the events before he’d been injured. “What happened to them? Where are they?”

“The batarian boy eventually recovered and was released from the hospital’s care with the promise that he return often to be looked over. The last I heard he was doing well. As for the two girls, Executor Pallin pulled some strings and they were taken in by his niece, she’s a child psychiatrist specializing in prolonged abuse.” Ieryan explained, smiling. “I spoke to her yesterday and she’s made a lot of progress with the girls and they’ll be going to school soon. But it gets better; she and her husband want to adopt them.”

There was a kind of relief that he’d never felt before, like an unknown type of weight had been lifted off him. It was the best possible outcome, as incredible as it was. Nihlus was probably ecstatic at the news; the younger man wanted things to work out so badly that Saren had worried about his state of mind if they hadn’t managed to save any of the children. It would not have been good but now he could remove such fears from his mind.

“That’s…as satisfactory an outcome as could be hoped for.”

The Councilor snorted. “Don’t short change it,” He said. “It’s absolutely excellent and you know it.”

Saren nodded in agreement a moment later but said nothing else on the subject. He noticed that Ieryan was still caressing his fringe in that slow, too familiar way and it was beginning to make him uncomfortable. He shifted his head just a bit, not exactly shaking the man’s hand off him but made it known he wanted the man to stop.

“I am glad to see you Ieryan, but where’s Nihlus?”

“He’s on Thessia giving his testimony.” The Councilor told him. “He apprehended Miss Caderyn a few weeks ago, not long after your last surgery.”

“Oh.” He didn’t need to voice his thoughts on the matter. Ieryan could read him easily even if the other man wasn’t aware of that fact. It seemed odd though, after everything that Nihlus would have chosen to arrest Elisha rather than follow Councilor Tevos’ order of execution.

“Nihlus waited until you were stable before he left.” Ieryan continued quietly. “I believe he was more terrified than I was.”

He was perfectly aware of his protégé’s fear, he’d felt in in the shaking of his hands and heard it ringing clear in his voice. With as critically injured as Saren had been, the younger man must have been certain that he was going to die.

_Desolas said I was dying…_

Saren had never been a religious man and he’d never put much stock in the stories told by dying soldiers that had later survived by one miracle or another. He’d always considered them the half coherent ramblings of a highly medicated individual. No matter how often he’d heard the tales of Escorting Spirits, he always pushed them to the back of his mind without a second’s thought. But now he had seen his own and it left him feeling uncertain about quite a lot. Desolas had been adamant that Saren give into death and then he’d taken a look at Nihlus and left. Why? What had his brother’s spirit seen that changed his mind? Saren didn’t even have any theories…

The Councilor might though. While it wasn’t an uncommon practice for turians in general and he had seen Ieryan appealing to the Spirits from time to time during their relationship, asking the other man about the subject was far outside his comfort zone. But with Nihlus currently out of reach, there was no one else Saren trusted the same way to discuss those sorts of things with.

“Saren? What’s wrong?”

He realized several minutes had passed since the other man had spoken to him. “I…Can I tell you something?” He asked finally.

“Of course, anything.”

“When I was hurt I…” He hesitated, wondering if the other man would think he’d lost his mind. “I saw Desolas.”

“You did?” Ieryan’s tones were flat but it was probably because he didn’t know how to respond.

“He spoke to me, Ieryan. He said that he didn’t want me to suffer and that he was going to take me home…I refused.”

The other man was quiet for a moment, his head lowered in thought. “It’s not shameful to be afraid of death, Saren.”

He shook his head, that hadn’t been the reason at all. For a Spectre death was inevitable, it was only a matter of when, where and how. “I’m not afraid of death, I just didn’t want to go.”

Ieryan grasped his left hand in both of his gently and Saren had an exhilarating moment when he realized he could _feel_ that touch. He hadn’t had many expectations regarding his new cybernetics but he had sort of thought he’d lost that particular sense in his arm. It took a lot of effort but he was finally able to loosely close his fingers around the other man’s.

“Alright,” He conceded. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but why didn’t you go with him?”

On the whole, turians believed that as long as you did your duty to Palaven and the Cause, then it didn’t matter how else your life was spent. If you were cruel or kind, hated or loved, if you were loyal to Palaven you would receive the reward of peace after death. However if the opposite was done in your life, the punishment was a second go, another chance to serve the turian people through reincarnation.

Older beliefs lingered alongside that though, ones that were far less…benign. The stigma of being barefaced and a biotic was multileveled. Being without colony tattoos was bad enough when the lack of such was often associated with those that had been restored and were unworthy of their original colors or the colors of their new life and therefore _always_ untrustworthy. But add being biotic to that and you had a turian that had failed so badly in that previous life that he needed a little extra help the second time around. It didn’t matter that everyone –other species included- now knew biotics were the result of eezo exposure and not a type of divine intervention, some prejudices just never went away.

In asking, however delicately, Ieryan wondered why Saren hadn’t jumped at that reward when every turian was eager to return home, to the Spirit of Palaven itself.

“I didn’t want to leave Nihlus.”

Ieryan’s hand tightened minutely, so slightly that he barely felt it and then almost paradoxically, he smiled. “It’s good you’ve found someone that means so much to you.”

The phrasing was nebulous enough but Saren nevertheless heard what hadn’t been said. The Councilor’s tone had dropped into the lower registers and that meant he still cared about him in the same way he cared about Nihlus. Saren thought about the night they’d started rebuilding their friendship. He thought about the kiss he’d stolen at the beginning of that night and the one he’d been given the next day. It had never been about renewing a sexual relationship with Ieryan (even back then he’d known he wanted Nihlus) it had been about proving to himself that someone actually cared about _him_ and not just the pleasure he could bring another’s body. Saren had made his position known and the Councilor had proved that he meant more than just a casual fuck but if the way the other man was gazing at his mouth was any indication, he’d happily consider that type of rapport again.

If there was one thing he had learned during his youth it was that there were no benefits to being at the center of a love triangle. He knew Ieryan would do the gracious thing and step aside, that they would never be to each other what they had been but he also knew he should be perfectly clear about his wants so that he didn’t hurt the man like that again.

“Ieryan…”

The Councilor’s cerulean eyes met his own and the pupils were dilated with a certain kind of interest.

“I don’t know how to tell Nihlus that I…love him.” He confided quietly. “How did you ever tell me?”

Ieryan squeezed his hand and smiled at him again. “I just opened my mouth.”

Saren didn’t reply, finding himself suddenly very tired. It took a few minutes to realize that his IV had released another small dose of sedative; fine with him, his chest had begun to ache again. His eyes drooped and threatened to close completely but he was aware of Ieryan shifting his seat closer without ever letting go of his hand.

“Don’t you need to return to the Tower?” He asked, his words slurring as he was dragged into sleep.

The other man traced circles over his knuckles with him thumb. “Right now you’re more important.”

 

+_-_-_-_-_+

 

A week passed uneventfully. Saren spent the days trying to rebuild the muscles in his arm through therapy. There was still quite a bit of residual pain despite the months he’d spent healing in a forced unconsciousness and while he wasn’t dependent on or misusing the pain meds, he was taking more than he was really comfortable with. He’d learned from Pollux that one of the surgeries he’d undergone had been to align the new cybernetics with his nervous system which was why his arm still possessed the sense of touch. The man had advised Saren against reinstalling his bio-amp until he had complete control of the limb; no one wanted any biotic accidents while he relearned how to wiggle his fingers. He took to wearing his protective hood constantly, even when asleep to keep from agitating the open port along with clothes that were easy to slip on and off.  
  
Saren also spent a lot of time chatting with Ieryan and not just because Nihlus was still on Thessia and unable to communicate. Now that the Councilor was aware of his intentions for his protégé, that remaining bit of tension had finally disappeared and they were friends again.  
  
Another week passed before he was discharged from the hospital with the order to return daily for his therapy. In lack of anywhere else to go since Nihlus had borrowed his ship, Saren went to the Council Chambers with the plan of asking Ieryan if he could crash on his couch until his student returned. But the Councilor had been too busy to actually speak to him although he did steal a moment to inform him that the temporary apartment he’d shared with Nihlus was no longer temporary. Saren was grateful for the privacy.  
  
It was still a few more days until he heard anything concrete from Nihlus despite the numerous messages he’d sent and the one or two he’d gotten back that simply said “I’m glad you’re okay but I can’t talk now”. When the younger man finally sent him a reply that was longer than a sentence, it was both a relief and worrisome.  
  
 _“Hey. Thought you’d want to know the sisters were sentenced. Elisha was executed this morning and Lysandri will spend the rest of her life in solitary confinement. It’s not much, I know, but it’s something. There’s something I want to talk about when I get back, meet me at the apartment tomorrow afternoon. Nihlus.”_  
  
In Saren’s experience the words ‘I want to talk’ never meant anything good and were usually a precursor to bad news. He couldn’t prevent the thought that Nihlus wanted to talk about their relationship, maybe about the end of it. He hoped not, the possibility made him physically ill, caused his stomach to roil and his ribs to ache as his muscles tensed and refused to loosen again. He’d tried to message the younger man back but his fingers stalled and after the fifth time he had failed to type anything, Saren gave up, took his pain pills and went to lie down.  
  
It was no surprise when he was unable to fall asleep, his mind stuck in a repetitive loop, droning on and on. One moment assuring him that nothing was amiss, of course Nihlus wanted to talk, the last time they’d seen each other Saren had been nearly killed. The next moment his mind would insist that his student couldn’t possibly want to be with him any longer _because_ he’d nearly been killed…by trying to save Nihlus. Given the younger Spectre’s personality, it wouldn’t be out of character for him to have a sense of guilt even if the fault didn’t rest on his shoulders.

Saren turned onto his side, hissed in pain after forgetting that his left side was still too tender to lie on, and then threw himself onto his back. He knew he had to reply to Nihlus, say something, if only to let him know he’d gotten the message and would be waiting at the apartment for him. His earlier attempt notwithstanding, he couldn’t allow things to be unsaid, not when there was so much to say. He turned on his omnitool.

 _“Nihlus,”_ He began, erased it. _“Castanea, I’m eager to speak to you too. There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for so long-”_  
  
Saren growled under his breath and erased the entire line before starting again.  
  
 _“Nihlus there’s so much I want to tell you but every time I’ve tried-”_  
  
He erased it again but kept the same heading.  
  
 _“I miss you, you’re all I can think about and-”_  
  
Another fit of erasing the words.  
  
 _“I’m in love with y-”_  
  
Saren hit the backspace button so hard his knuckle cracked. When he finally told Nihlus how he felt, he would actually tell the younger man, not type it.  
  
 _“I can’t wait to see you.”_  
  
He stared at the words for a few minutes, his fingers hovering over the keys before he erased the line yet again and decided to keep his reply nonchalant. He had no clue to Nihlus’ actual state of mind, only guesses and hope. But hope could be a disastrous thing when it fell through.  
  
 _“I’ll be here.”_  
  
He sent the short message before he could change his mind and then dismissed the display. He still didn’t get any real sleep but his fears stopped tormenting him long enough to doze. It would have to do; he had another therapy session early in the morning.  
  
  
+_-_-_-_-_+  
Nihlus entered the apartment so quietly that if Saren hadn’t been waiting for him with his nerves on edge, he never would have heard him. The younger man set his armour case down and locked the door at the same time he rounded the hallway. The first thing he noticed was that Nihlus had put back that little bit of weight he’d lost during the months Saren had been on Palaven. He also appeared to have regained his confidence too, standing at his full height with his shoulders back but when Nihlus noticed him, he lowered his head and refused to meet his eyes.  
  
Saren wanted to grab him and kiss him, push him down on the floor and take him, and that had kind of even been his plan before he saw the younger man. But now he didn’t think it was a good idea, not when he could smell regret like decay in the air and had the sudden knowledge that his fears were well-founded.  
  
“It’s good to see you Nihlus.” He greeted, trying to keep his tones vague but even he could hear the way his harmonics wavered between emotions. “How have you been?”  
  
The younger man finally looked up but his gaze went to and stayed on Saren’s left. “They told me you were going to lose your arm.” He said morosely.  
  
Saren rubbed gently at his shoulder; no one had even mentioned that possibility to him. “Ah, well I didn’t there’s just a lot of…metal in there now. Pollux did a good job with the cybernetics; I can still feel things.”  
  
“It’s a good thing I didn’t kill him then, after…y’know.”  
  
 _…He’s as prepared to kill for me as I am for him._ “You didn’t answer me.”  
  
Nihlus sighed, ran a hand over his face and fringe. “People are calling me a hero,” He said with no small amount of disregard. “No one’s acknowledged that I’d be dead if you hadn’t… You were dying but you wouldn’t let me go, the medic had to pry your hand off me and I thought she was going to break your fingers to get you to let go. You were acting like… Spirits I don’t know how, you were unconscious but you kept saying my name. Do you remember that?”  
  
He shook his head. “No.”  
  
The younger man paced in front of him, both hands working over his fringe as he tried to rein himself in and calm down. He’d never seen his student behave like this before, not even during the past months while he’d been under huge amounts of stress. Saren held out a hand as if to grab him and make him stop but Nihlus shifted out of reach at the last second.  
  
“While I was on Thessia I thought about getting a ship and patrolling the ‘Verge by myself.”  
  
He stopped breathing. _This is it. This is the moment he tells me he’s done, we’re done and he still doesn’t know how I feel about him._  
  
“But the more time I had to think about doing that,” Nihlus continued. “The more I time I spent wondering ‘what if he gets killed because I’m not there?’ And I finally realized that I can’t do that.”

Nihlus stopped pacing and finally looked at him, stepping closer until there was very little space between them. Saren couldn’t move, frozen to the floor with his lungs burning and his heart stopped.  
  
“If-if you never want me to touch you again, I understand. I almost got you killed, my recklessness nearly cost your life and I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if that had happened. I’m so, so sorry Saren. I understand if you hate me for what I let happen but I’m never going to allow that to happen again, I will always be at your side.”  
  
It was like being punched in the chest when his heart restarted. Nihlus honestly thought Saren hated him, that he’d never trust him again all because of one (admittedly big) mistake.  
  
“I don’t hate you.” His voice was just barely a whisper but the other Spectre still flinched when he spoke. “I was trying to tell you something back in the tunnels, something I’ve been trying to tell you for…a very long time. I- would you look at me?”  
  
Nihlus met his eyes reluctantly and Saren could see just how affected he’d been, how worried. The younger man had allowed him so much of himself, without thought, without asking for anything in return. In the tunnels beneath the Citadel he’d let Elisha get away when Saren knew he’d wanted to kill her. Nihlus let her go to save _him_ and he didn’t seem to regret that at all. He’d chosen a specific type of loyalty over duty and there weren’t many turians that would do that. Ieryan hadn’t done that. He was everything in a lover- a companion that Saren thought he’d never have. There would be no more holding back, no more veiled words of care or half started confessions; he was going to throw his love at Nihlus’ feet and just hope it was accepted.  
  
“I love you.” He said and infused the words with every ounce of conviction and truth he could summon so that the younger man would know he meant it. “I’m in love with you Nihlus.”  
  
The other Spectre blinked and remained silent.  
  
Saren found himself fidgeting. “Do… you love me too?”  
  
“I-I knew you favored me,” Nihlus stammered. “But I didn’t realize you felt that way about me.”  
  
“I _was_ favoring you, and I did things with you I never do with anyone else.”  
  
“I’d noticed that, you’re always kissing me and you never,” The younger man shook his head, mandibles fluttering against his jaw. “I just figured you were doing it because you knew I liked it, not because you wanted to.”  
  
He made a sound of incomprehension, that didn’t make any sense. “Why would you think that?”  
  
He twitched a smile and his tone was dry. “Because you make manipulation an art form.”  
  
Saren gaped at him, shocked at the assessment but the younger man was right, further surprised to realize he hadn’t been wholly aware of that talent. “I’m not manipulating you.” He said quietly.  
  
“I know.” Nihlus took a hesitant step toward him and then another. “I have to be honest with you Saren.”  
  
He didn’t like the sound of that but he nodded his head so that the younger man would continue.  
  
“What I feel for you is… it’s intense and it consumes me but…I don’t know if that’s what love is.”  
  
“Do you still want to be with me?” _Please say yes, I don’t want to lose you like that._  
  
Nihlus brushed his fingers over one of Saren’s mandibles and he leaned his face into the other man’s hand. “After all we’ve done together, I don’t want to be without you.” The younger man lifted his head and pressed their foreplates together.  
  
The tension bled from Saren and he wrapped his arms around Nihlus’ middle and pulled them flush. He'd known after Kuril that he didn't want anyone else, but like him, Nihlus had always had a string of willing bedmates. Saren knew it was selfish but he didn't want to share him.  
  
He pulled back just enough until their eyes locked. “Given my history I don’t have the right to ask this of you but Nihlus I want us to…I swear I won’t fuck anyone else but I need you to swear the same to me.”

The younger man laughed in his face. “You’re an idiot.” He said but he was grinning. “When I said you were the only man I wanted I meant that you were the only one I wanted. I haven’t even looked at another person sexually since we got together, I can’t say if that’s love or not, but I can promise that I’ll only be with you. Is that enough?”  
  
He’d waited too long to kiss him and now he wound around Nihlus, capturing his mouth. Many long minutes had passed before he pulled away. “Yes, it’s enough.”  
  
“Good,” Nihlus suddenly gripped his waist. “Because you’ve got no idea how much I’ve missed you. I want to taste every inch of you.”  
  
He wanted the same thing and he promptly began tugging at the clasps of the other Spectre’s shirt. When his left hand refused to cooperate (he was still having trouble with things like buttons, buckles and zippers) he slipped the talons of the right between the clasp and fabric and pulled until he heard it rip. Nihlus gave him a low laugh and slid out of the garment, tossing it behind him.  
  
Saren kissed him again hard before he could make any smart comments about his ruined shirt; Nihlus always had been rather attached to his clothes. But the younger man kissed him back with a needful hunger that made him _want._ He grabbed Nihlus by the ends of his fringe and jerked his head back, immediately diving in to set his teeth to the dark skin of his throat. The other Spectre gasped and then moaned, winding his hand around the back of Saren’s neck, pulling him in and making him bite with more force.  
  
He could feel the heat radiating off of Nihlus’ hand through the fabric of his hood…and the talons that encased the back of his neck and continued onto the unprotected side of his throat as if taking his pulse. Saren broke away from the skin, teeth scraping and leaving marks as he started moving down toward the base of his throat. He slid his hands over Nihlus’ chest and sides, his mouth and tongue following in their wake, deliberately slow. Eventually Saren had to drop to his knees to keep going lower. He nipped and licked the flesh of the younger man’s stomach, going from one side to the other and then back, holding firmly to his hips to keep him still.  
  
Nihlus’ hands appeared on his fringe at the same moment Saren’s tongue reached the top of his pants. The younger man groaned and started petting the long spines through the cloth of his hood. Saren continued nibbling at his stomach, tightening his grip on his hips, talons spread over his lower back and gently digging in. Nihlus pushed the hood off his fringe and trailed caresses from his forehead all the way to the tips over and over.  
  
Saren purred into his belly, fluttered his mandibles and tongue against the skin. He loved the way the younger man pet him, utterly focused on the touch as if it were the only thing worth doing. It made him feel like the only man in the galaxy, as ridiculous as that sounded.  
  
 _He’s wearing far too much clothing._ Saren decided and without warning bit off the button holding Nihlus’ pants closed.  
  
The younger man sucked in a surprised breath and then laughed softly. “You’re gonna owe me for that.”  
  
“Anything you want _Castanea._ ” He said, hooking his fingers into the waistband.  
  
Saren pulled at his pants, inching them down just enough to expose his groin and the top of his seam. He leaned forward and licked slowly, above him Nihlus moaned his name. He licked harder, tried to push the tip of his tongue inside but the younger man tilted his hips back.  
  
“Stop,”  
  
He ignored Nihlus for the moment, grabbing the back of his thighs and pulling him close again. The slit parted the tiniest amount under his tongue and Saren got a taste of him.  
  
“I mean it, stop.”  
  
Saren growled playfully and the vibration made the younger man buck and curse at him. One of Nihlus’ hands was suddenly on his throat and he felt his own plates shift open with excitement, then that hand moved under his chin and compelled him to stand.  
  
He stroked one of Saren’s mandibles with his thumb. “We’re not doing this out here on the floor.” He said, a note of command in his harmonics. “And we’re not going to rush this either.”  
  
He nodded and let Nihlus lead him back to the bedroom.

Following after him, Saren couldn’t help but notice the way his hips moved and his opened pants slipped a little lower, allowing him just a peek of his rear. It made his mouth water and as he looked back up he found Nihlus watching over his shoulder smugly, a glint of triumph in his eyes before he looked ahead of him again. Saren figured he had every right to strut if he wanted to; he had felled one of the best Spectres without even trying to. But it didn’t stop him from wanting to shove Nihlus face first into the wall, pin him there and finish stripping him. He settled for grabbing those hips and pulling the younger man to him, teeth on the back of his neck and one hand sliding down between fabric and flesh.  
  
Nihlus shivered, grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand out of the front his pants. “You keep doing stuff like that and we’re not going to make it to the bed.”  
  
“I don’t see the problem with that.”  
  
“I told you I don’t want to rush this,” He said and pulled him along by the hand.  
  
Saren hadn’t bothered to make the bed when he’d left for his appointment that morning. It wasn’t a rare expression of laziness as much as it was a visible hope he’d end up there with Nihlus anyway. The younger man urged him to sit on the bed’s edge and he did so obediently, gazing up at him. Nihlus didn’t want to rush this encounter, then fine. Saren had no problem handing over his control.  
  
 _And for once that prospect doesn’t…scare me._  
  
The younger man cupped his chin, thumb sliding beneath his mandible and back toward the thin connection of its hinge. It was a very vulnerable position and Saren knew how easily he could be hurt but he also knew he hadn’t misplaced his trust in Nihlus; it had only been a test for that trust to be shown. As was the way his smooth talons traced over the veins of his pale throat with a firm pressure that was just shy of actually piercing his skin  
  
“Spirits,” Nihlus whispered and moved his hands to his shirt. “You’re really not playing me, are you?”  
  
“I love you.” He assured, half startled by how easy it was to say now.  
  
He opened the shirt and eased it off him. “I believe you Saren.” He gave a slow smirk. “But you can say it as much as you like.”  
  
A hand at the center of his chest shoved him onto his back and the other hand quickly worked open his pants. Saren raised his hips so they could be taken off but the other Spectre just pushed him flat. Nihlus’ hand slid down from his chest to his waist and massaged the muscles there before moving onto his hips and then his thighs, slipping between them to nudge his knees apart. He moved to stand in that void and leaned over him on hands planted firmly next to his head. After a moment’s thought, Saren reached up and fitted his hands under his lover’s, twining their fingers together. It gave the illusion of total submission, of capture; his hands pinned and his legs spread by Nihlus’ hips. He hadn’t lied when he’d told the younger man he’d been conquered, but it was time that he showed it.  
  
Heart pounding, Saren did something he’d never done before and let his head fall back, turning it to the side to expose his throat. He chirped a subharmonic request to be marked, to be bitten in that special place. He could sense Nihlus’ confusion although there was no way he could have misheard the sound he’d made or misinterpreted its meaning but still the other man hesitated.  
  
“Are…are you asking me to…?”  
  
He arched his throat as much as he could and chirped again with more insistence.  
  
“I…I don’t think I should do that Saren.”  
  
Saren squeezed his fingers tightly. “Please, I’ll put medigel on it later if you want me to, but I do want this.”

“I really don’t think I should.” He murmured but his subtones said something different, he was intrigued at the very least.  
  
“I want you to.”  
  
“I want to too, I just… Are your sure, really, really sure?”  
  
“I am. Please Nihlus, I want you to put your claim on me.” _Where everyone will see it and know that I belong to you._  
  
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d wanted anything enough to beg for it or if he’d ever wanted something that badly before. He’d certainly never wanted anyone the same way he wanted Nihlus in that moment. Saren bared and arched his throat as much as he could, made that requesting chirp one more time and waited for whatever the younger man was going to do. A few minutes went by and his pulse increased with every passing second but the nervous fear he’d harbored for years never appeared.  
  
At last Nihlus reached his decision and lowered himself, spreading his arms out all the way, taking his still trapped hands with him. Saren braced one foot on the bedframe as the other Spectre leaned in and rubbed his face over that spot where jaw and throat became one. Nihlus took in his scent, breathed deeply of his pheromones and then instinct took him over.  
  
The younger man pulled his arms further out to keep him immobile and softened that place on his throat with forceful swipes from his tongue. Saren sucked in a breath as his left shoulder flared with sudden pain and Nihlus let go of that hand, sliding his arm under his back, jerking his lower body closer to his own. He could feel the younger man’s erection through his pants and he rocked his hips up to rub them together, another hiss leaving his mouth for a different reason. Then finally Nihlus’ teeth pierced his skin and Saren fell into a static whiteout of bliss. There was no pain, just intense pleasure that raced up and down his spine. That was how being marked was supposed to feel, overwhelming, consuming everything else until the only thing you were aware of was your mate’s teeth in your throat. If he’d been able to lift his hand he would have wrapped it around the younger man and pushed his head down to make him bite harder, deeper, but his damaged arm stayed stubbornly at his side.  
  
If Nihlus noticed, he didn’t show it, still pushing his teeth through Saren’s skin until they were as deeply imbedded as they could possibly get. He was caught in that mindless state of absolute pleasure, his plates springing open and his cock hardening in a rush that made him whimper. Nihlus growled into his skin and slipped that hand underneath him inside his pants and started to massage his ass. His fingers boldly pushed at Saren’s entrance, cuing him in on just what the younger man wanted from him. But Nihlus only touched him there for a moment and then he shifted that hand around to the front of his pants. He jerked harshly at the waistband until he’d pulled them down far enough to free his dick and instantly enveloped the shaft.  
  
His hips bucked without his control and the younger man squeezed him at the same time he rocked his own hips. He could feel Nihlus’ dick straining at his trousers, could feel how it throbbed with need against his inner thigh. Saren’s throbbed in response and he rolled his hips forward then back. The younger man snarled through the bite and his teeth somehow dug in deeper as he still stroked him firmly, insistently. Saren’s vision went hazy and before he knew it, an orgasm ricocheted through him so hard that he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t make any kind of sound. Nihlus kept up the rhythm of his hand, thumb passing over the head once and pushing down in such a way that it forced him to start breathing again.

He didn’t realize the younger man had left his throat until his mouth covered his and his tongue slipped inside. The kiss went on for ages while Saren laid there boneless underneath him, dizzy, lightheaded and so zapped of energy and strength that he could barely return the kiss. Nihlus didn’t seem to mind the tiniest bit. When he opened his eyes – and he didn’t remember closing them- he found that he’d been moved fully onto the bed and was now stretched out along its middle. His lover grinned warmly down at him and lifted a hand to touch the spot on Saren’s neck with gentle talon-tips.  
  
“I’ve changed my mind,” He murmured almost absently with subharmonics that were overflowing with pride and satisfaction. “I want you to keep it. I like how it looks on you.”  
  
Saren gave him a weak nod, still drowning in the endorphins that being marked had released in his bloodstream.  
  
“And I’m sorry for wrenching your arm, I…forgot about it for a minute there.”  
  
He nodded again.  
  
“Are you ok? You were really out of it for a moment there.”  
  
Saren flared his mandibles in a wide, pleased smile. It had been better than he’d heard about and far more intense than he’d ever imagined it would be. He was still a bit dizzy and lightheaded, a side effect of the feel-good chemicals that were engulfing him, but he also felt so warm all throughout his body and there wasn’t a milligram of tenseness left in him. He felt like he’d float away and disintegrate into the air were it not for Nihlus’ hand gently rubbing his injured shoulder.

The younger man scooted a bit closer and it was then that Saren noticed they were both fully naked. If he’d had enough air in his lungs he would have laughed; he really had been out of it.  
  
“So um, that arm doesn’t have a lot of mobility yet?”  
  
“I’m working on it,” Saren rasped, and his tones were just as satisfied as his lover’s. “It’s still difficult to move from time to time and it’s going to take a while until I’ve built back the muscles.”  
  
“In other words, there’s no way you’d be able to support your weight on that arm.”  
  
“For a few seconds, maybe.”  
  
Nihlus hummed thoughtfully.  
  
“What is it _Castanea_?”  
  
“Well, I wanted you to fuck me but if you can’t hold yourself up I guess that won’t be happening.”  
  
Still mostly out of breath, Saren could only chuckle at his matter-of-fact tone. “Honestly, I had something else in mind.”  
  
“Yeah?” The younger man asked breathlessly.  
  
“Uhuh, I’m sure you can guess.”  
  
Nihlus rolled on top of him and Saren spread his legs to let him have his place between them. The younger man was still so hard and already pushing against him even as he asked if Saren was sure.  
  
“You keep asking me if I’m sure and I’m going to get annoyed with you.” He teased lightly.  
  
The younger man flashed him a grin and dipped his head to lick at Saren’s throat, paying special attention to the mark he’d left. He moaned and raised his arm to wrap it around Nihlus’ back, hand sliding down over his ass and giving him a fond squeeze before letting go. He gave Saren a series of nips and licks over that spot and each one made him gasp, his hips rocking to get a little more contact from the man above him.  
  
It was easier this time, letting Nihlus on top of and in him. There wasn’t any discomfort or pain, not that there would have been with all the medication against that in his blood, just the strangely comforting sensation of being stretched and filled. He wrapped the arm he could still move around the younger man’s back again, angling his hand down to curl over the arch of his hip bone. Above him, Nihlus murmured his name with concern. Asking if he was ok, if it was too much, and if he wanted to stop. Saren just tightened his hold in response.

They built a slow rhythm together. One that stayed at a leisurely pace even when Nihlus’ breath grew more rapid, his thrusts going deeper and when Saren dug his talons in the skin at his back. Neither of them were chasing the need to cum, they were simply taking the pleasure offered and giving it back to the other. It had been a very long time since he’d last made love, and like Nihlus, he didn’t want to rush the experience. He touched everywhere he could reach; mandibles, fringe, chest, and waist- every inch of his lover was given the same attention, the same loving caresses. Nihlus returned them all while murmuring affectionate tones into his ear when he wasn’t kissing Saren’s mouth.  
  
But really, he’d had enough of being on his back. He had a vivid mental image of Nihlus putting him on his stomach, lifting his hips and- but, no. That wasn’t what he wanted either. Saren shifted his legs until he caught the other man’s calf spurs with his own, smirking as green eyes widened and heaved his weight up and to the side. The move ended with him straddling Nihlus’ hips, the younger man’s cock in him at a sharp angle that literally took his breath away.  
  
“You like that, don’t you?” He said with that well-earned smugness, keeping the same pace they’d set as he arched his hips up.  
  
Saren couldn’t hold himself in that position for very long, only a few minutes, and by the time his left elbow went out from under him Nihlus had sat up and helped him loop his arms around his neck. The younger man supported him easily, though now Saren had most of his weight on his knees and in the man’s lap, head resting on his shoulder as they moved together. Nihlus gripped his hips, lifted and lowered them to match the cadence of his own.  
  
He was already close to his edge, the need inside getting more demanding with every thrust. Judging by the way Nihlus’ motions stuttered, his lover was close too. Left hand stubbornly uncooperative, Saren grabbed his jaw with the right and pulled their mouths together in a fierce kiss. It was then that Nihlus jerked him down and thrust up, emptying inside him with an almost pained whimper. Saren only needed a few strokes from his clumsy left hand to follow him over the precipice, his release staining the other man’s waist and chest.  
  
Clinging to each other breathlessly, Nihlus turned and lowered him carefully back to the bed. He prevented the younger man separating from him by keeping their spurs locked together and slinging him arm around his waist. He made an amused noise but acquiesced and settled himself across Saren’s chest with a contented hum. Eventually, he receded and it was just the feeling of skin on skin that had them connected. Chest aching from the pressure of Nihlus’ weight, Saren gently urged him to lie down beside him. Again the younger man consented to his will though he didn’t move away, keeping one leg between his and both arms around him.  
  
He tucked his head under Nihlus’ chin, flicking his tongue against his throat affectionately while the other man pet his fringe and occasionally stroked the length of his cheekspines. Sleep tugged at Saren’s mind but he resisted, unwilling to let the moment of intimacy pass him by. Reaching up, he traced the line of colonial ink on Nihlus’ mandible with a fingertip and smiled to himself. It seemed Desolas had allowed him a different kind type of second chance.  
  
End.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So this was the longest thing I've ever written. I'm proud of it and proud that I could do something that didn't just involve sex but had actual story elements. Thanks in advance for reading, commenting and the kudos, it's because of all that stuff I'm still listening to my muse.
> 
> There may or may not be a tiny prequel piece about Sparatus and Saren's relationship back when it was new. If you guys want it, tell me and I'll do it. Otherwise it will just stay a vivid image in my head.


End file.
